Child's birthday money

erasmus666

I'd appreciated comments on the following:

I normally give £40 to £60 to each of my two grandchildren on their birthday and at Christmas. Both are under six years of age. However, I feel reluctant to give this amount. It's usually in excess of a month before I have any communication from their parents about coming over which is usually only for a few hours and often involves me paying for a meal. I get no phone calls in the intervening period asking if I'm ok. I could be sittng there decomposing in a chair for weeks and they wouldn't know about it.  I'm a retired person in their late 60s living on my own on the state pension and the income from a part-time job to pay for luxuries. The crux of the question is 'what's a fair amount to give in this situation, if anything' ? Thank you for taking the time to read this posting and I look forward to reading your replies in due course. Kind regards.

DE_612183

I think the issue is not about how much, but about contact.

Perhaps you should instigate the communications - ask if it would be ok to come over to their house to see them and the children - or even have a telephone call or facetime ( if you're able to do this ).

Also a month may seem a long time for you, but for busy parents with children time can pass quite quickly.

sheramber

There is no set 'fair amount'. 

It is a gift and you give what you want whether that is £1. £5, £10 whatever.

I personally give my grandson a present worth about £20 for birthdays and £50 for Christmas but there is no set amount. It depends what he has designes on.

My children were taught to send thank you letters from an early age and my grandson  has also been taught to say thank you- nowadays by Facetime if I do not see him at the time.

Pollycat

There is no 'fair amount' to give as a gift.

You don't say how far away your relatives live but if you feel that you don't have enough contact with them you could initiate a conversation about it.

Given the age of the children, I don't think it's fair to penalise them because of their parents' lack of contact with you.

DigForVictory

I agree with Pollycat that this lack of contact is mostly in the hands of the parents. Under sixes can be noisy messy & effortful to transport & by no means the delightful guests we might hope they would be (mother of sons, here, one who was a devout travelsicker & has deo g outgrown it after 20). So maybe ask when would be a good night to phone & chat (after all, wouldn't they like 10 minutes to sit with a brew after fetching the little dears from dance, or rugby, or advanced French?) Plus I found the lads spilled Far More Beans to Nan than they did to me... 
So see if you can get pencilled into the diary as a regular call, now & then let the conversations steer your mutual understanding. My lads benefited hugely from their nan's unconditional love & affection & approval & raucous laughter even when (ahem, especially when) they'd caused mayhem. She saved up and was giving them £50 20 years ago. Which we diligently spent on things they wanted. Not a penny went on the gas, or advanced French. (Yes, ToysRUs did well, but as years passed they still have the custom metalwork & the bandsaw & some other pretty serious tools.)
Another reason to get pencilled in - you will hear all sorts of things their parents might rather you didn't. A peeved 6 year old, having received an envelope with their name on & a card addressed to them with notes falling out for them, & mum or dad picking them up & there being Any sense of Injustice - you'll very probably hear about it. You can also ask them if they've done you a nice drawing to send as a thankyou note. or hear the muttered reminder "say thankyou!" in the background. Says she with all-too-clear memories of the bentwood chair whip & pistol but also the handwritten thankyou letters which I had to find stamps for, & supervise the postage of (& then cop flak for the spelling.)

Try making time for a regular call with the little monsters darlings at a time that works for both households & see how it unfolds. Hoping it turns into a regular & delightful call & that when you eventually find yourself in a hospital bed, a grandchild is the one with the Vaseline stick muttering "Pucker up, darling" and applying same to you deftly...

pinkshoes

I'd buy a gift for £10 to £20 then call and arrange to go and drop them off the weekend before or after their birthday.

bouicca21

I’d be calling my child and asking what the grandchildren actually want/need.  Under 6s have no concept of money.  

But really this post is about OP’s relationship with his/her child.  Why not just ring them up?  Offer to babysit or take the grandchildren out? I bet they’d enjoy feeding the ducks with grandpa/ma more than cash.

Sea_Shell

OP Did you bring your children up to say "Thank you" from an early age?  Did you ensure that all gifts they received were thanked, promptly, even if by you on their behalf?

If you did, then it's a shame they are not doing the same thing as adults.

If you didn't, then ...


I understand how un-thanked gifts can stick in your craw...been there with my own sibling and niblings. ☹️

sk2402005

Im in the posistion of the parent with the 6 year old.

As others have mentioned, life is incredibly busy, either at work (including nesassary overtime), or looking after the house and child, i have literally no time for myself.

You are retired, so you have much more time on your hands than your children and its much easier for you, so i hate to say it, but if you want more interaction with your family, you will need to be the one to make more of the effort.

And why stop there, help your children (DIY, tidying, take the gran children to the park or cinema), and they will have more time as a result.

Im in exactly this posistion, and i only manage to see my parents occasionally, and thats with them mostly coming to us, i would love them to do more stuff with my child.

Im sure your grand children would love to see you more often, and thats worth more than money.

Mojisola

erasmus666 said:

I normally give £40 to £60 to each of my two grandchildren on their birthday and at Christmas. Both are under six years of age. However, I feel reluctant to give this amount. 

It's usually in excess of a month before I have any communication from their parents about coming over which is usually only for a few hours and often involves me paying for a meal. 

I get no phone calls in the intervening period asking if I'm ok.

I think I would just send a card next time and see how quickly the parents get in touch to ask where the birthday money is.

If their lives are really too busy to Facetime/Skpe with you on a regular basis, you won't hear from them about the missing money.

If they get in touch quite soon, it shows you just aren't a high priority for them unless they're getting money from you.

You could try to be more pro-active with contact and see if they co-operate.

The amounts you give seem quite high, considering you still need to work to cover treats for yourself. 

I would consider putting a smaller amount into some kind of savings to keep back for the children - you can decide if and when they get the money in the future.

Exodi

sk2402005 said:

You are retired, so you have much more time on your hands than your children and its much easier for you, so i hate to say it, but if you want more interaction with your family, you will need to be the one to make more of the effort.

As with others, I agree with this view.

It may sound odd but as a married full-time working couple in their 30's I am envious of your situation (and you may be envious of mine - grass is always greener and all that).

My wife and I constantly talk about how much we'd love to just spend a few weeks doing nothing ('decomposing' if you will). It is depressing to finish ironing at 9.30pm on Sunday night, standing in the shower before bed, knowing it starts all over again when I wake up.

I don't think this issue though (how you feel about the amount of contact with your children) is of any relevance of how much you gift your grandchildren? Surely you don't mean to blackmail your children with the money?