Son's debt and how to help him

enthusiasticsaver

I agree you should not pay off his debt. He needs to learn himself how to budget and manage money responsibly. If you just pay it off he learns nothing other than his parents will step in to bail him out and there is a strong possibility he will do the same thing again. He is young and having a bad credit record is not the worst thing at his age if it stops him going mad on credit cards again. I suggest you offer emotional support rather than financial. 

Graham1982

Hello:

Not really a helpful suggestion but an observation:

I can sort of echo the statements of others saying "When I was 18 I was offered X"; however, fortunately I think by the late 90s or early 2000s banks were a bit more sensible in terms of offering me an 800 quid limit on a 10/11k salary rather than an 8k limit like that mentioned above.

I understand the idea that the person involved needs to pay back the debt themselves so that they learn, however, when I maxed my card I fortunately had a very good older friend who basically took the card off of me and forced me to budget and pay it back. In effect she set the budget and I didn't complain so I wasn't taking full responsibility but if I am honest, looking back at the age of 40, and despite being academically smart, I really don't think I was emotionally mature/financially literate enough to understand/care about the ramifications of spending money that wasn't mine. Sure, I felt embarrassed that I had no money and nothing to show for my lack of money, but I wasn't able to face the fact that I was being idiotic. Getting your son to that point might be difficult.

Thanks

Graham 

FindMyWayBack

When my son got in a mess, about 9K I got his credit reports and bank statements and together we got a low interest loan from his bank and paid off all the credit cards. We then closed the accounts. I then did a budget with him and included the loan payment in his monthly expenditure. He hates that monthly payment but it serves as a reminder and stops him from being foolish again.
Does your son have a steady income? Is this a possible way forward, or has it all gone too far?

fatbelly

Fortunately this guy's credit history is probably so trashed that no bank would lend to him for the next six years

He needs to repay this rather than be misled into thinking that consolidation serves any purpose

FindMyWayBack

fatbelly said:

Fortunately this guy's credit history is probably so trashed that no bank would lend to him for the next six years

Maybe you mean unfortunately. My son was fortunate that I have always taught him to make payments so as not to trash his report, so even when he ran this debt up he was paying the minimums on time, so we were able to avoid his report being ruined, and then get the cheaper APR loan to get these things paid off, and not ruin his reports.
After reading the post in more detail I see the defaults are already there so it's too late.
OP, I know it will be hard but be welcoming to him and work with him to contact one of the debt charities and get started on sorting this out.
Stepchange would be my suggestion.

poppasmurf_bewdley

I had all this with my son when he hit 18 (why never daughters?), but your son can easily do something about it.

If he's not aiming for a career that would be affected, then he should apply for bankruptcy. Everything will be wiped away and he will be able to start afresh within about 12 -18 months. 

And don't feel sorry for the credit card companies that prey on people like him.  

Nearlydebtfree

FindMyWayBack said:

When my son got in a mess, about 9K I got his credit reports and bank statements and together we got a low interest loan from his bank and paid off all the credit cards. We then closed the accounts. I then did a budget with him and included the loan payment in his monthly expenditure. He hates that monthly payment but it serves as a reminder and stops him from being foolish again.
Does your son have a steady income? Is this a possible way forward, or has it all gone too far?

Hi

My son does have a steady income which has made this more frustrating I suppose. He has told his Dad that he is entering a DMP with Stepchange but he is yet to speak to me properly. I have backed off so he can approach me in his own time, as ultimately it is just debt and not the end of the world - it felt like it last week but it is nothing that can't be fixed. I suppose his attitude towards us has been worse than finding out about the debt, but I actually feel relieved that I now know what has been wrong with him the last few months as my mind has been thinking all sorts. 

I had considered the bankruptcy option for him but he does have means to repay it and whilst I know we shouldn't feel sorry for the banks, I also believe that if he can pay the money back then he should at least try. I worry if he did bankruptcy then he'd do the same thing again in 12 - 18 months time whereas a DMP may help to change his approach to money and appreciate it more? 

I really do hope that he can deal with this now and find some headspace and start to enjoy himself again but with his own money! 

sourcrates

Bankruptcy would not be a good thing at his age, better to go down the DMP route and pay it back over a longer period of time, it might help him develop better future decision making skills when it comes to finances, so these mistakes are not repeated into adult life.

Stateofart

 He has had depression and a significant mental health episode at the end of last year and I can see where the spending has occurred and why.

Why is this used as an excuse so often in this forum?  I sympathise but I think youngsters are molly-coddled a little too much and therefore can shift the blame from 'spending beyond their means' to 'it's because of depression', especially if stakeholders are perpetuating it.  It's an easy get-out and doesn't allow ownership of mistakes in my view.

Hi, this is very difficult but you need to let go. You cannot take responsibility for sorting this out, and paying off even part of his debt has the potential to cause further problems.

This.  You seem more bothered than him. 

Floss

Stateofart said:

 He has had depression and a significant mental health episode at the end of last year and I can see where the spending has occurred and why.

Why is this used as an excuse so often in this forum?  I sympathise but I think youngsters are molly-coddled a little too much and therefore can shift the blame from 'spending beyond their means' to 'it's because of depression', especially if stakeholders are perpetuating it.  It's an easy get-out and doesn't allow ownership of mistakes in my view.

Could I ask if you have ever suffered from any form of mental illness? For those of us who have, it is not an "excuse" for things or "easy get-out" of commitments.