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Finally accepted reality

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Hi everyone

I've not been one to use forums or anything similar before and it's perhaps why I'm in the mess I am.

Last week I finally told my long term partner of how I'd racked up nearly £45k on debts over the years and simply hidden it from her. Whenever she asked me about money I'd just say everything was fine.

It was far too easy for me to get cards, move debt about and take loans to pay off stuff before inevitably piling money back on the paid off cards. I wasn't being chased for payments, no defaults but the reality was that I was in a mess. I would simply ignore it and just think it'll be okay.

Coupled with this is that it seems quite likely that I have a level of ADHD which has made this worse (I am not using it as an excuse) and I have also damaged the relationships of those who I care for most because I was didn't ask for help.

I have a lot of things I need to sort but I am making the first steps at this. My partner has been incredibly supportive despite the fact I've lied and hidden this from her. Her mum has also been superb with helping to get a budget in place so I can keep a track of where I am with everything. 

Anyway, I promised them that one thing I would do would be to join the forum and share story and also seek help so if anyone has ideas or things they did to help get out of debt I'd love to hear them. 

Thanks 

Comments

  • Brie
    Brie Posts: 14,741 Ambassador
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Photogenic Name Dropper
    You already done the hardest bit - coming clean to your OH about the debt.  Not saying the rest will be easy but I'm sure this step has taken a load off you.

    So next thing is to post a statement of account (SOA) to show exactly what your budget is, income, expenditure, debts complete with interest rates etc.  And people will make suggestions about what you might be able to trim to make the debt go quicker.  
    I’m a Forum Ambassador and I support the Forum Team on Debt Free Wannabe, Old Style Money Saving and Pensions boards.  If you need any help on these boards, do let me know. Please note that Ambassadors are not moderators. Any posts you spot in breach of the Forum Rules should be reported via the report button, or by emailing forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com. All views are my own and not the official line of MoneySavingExpert.

    Click on this link for a Statement of Accounts that can be posted on the DebtFree Wannabe board:  https://lemonfool.co.uk/financecalculators/soa.php

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  • Hi Brie

    It has although I have a guilt about how I'm feeling a weight off and the weight has passed to others.

    We've got a budget sorted (first time in my life I have done that) and it's certainly helped me see the wood for the trees. As you say, it's not easy but I'm making the first steps at the moment.
  • Well done on opening up to your wife, that couldn't have been easy. You can do this. I started this year with £66k of debt and I honestly didn't know how I would do it. I'm now down to nearly £54k. I find other way to make money whether it be selling, surveys, bank switching and I pay it stright off the debt so I don't have the chance to spend it elsewhere.

    Writing a diary and posting everyday helps massively. Good luck with your journey!!
    Total debt when my journey began in December 2022- £66,133.42
    Current debt May 2024- £40,064.57
    Repaid 39.42%

    My Debt Free Wannabe Diary
    https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/6411146/the-final-bite-of-the-cherry-journey-to-clear-66k#latest

  • As suggested above posting a SOA will encourage others to offer suggestions and support.
    Here is the link
    https://www.lemonfool.co.uk/financecalculators/soa.php
  • If you aren’t ready to post your SOA, given you have had help with a budget, you could maybe post extracts from that e.g. phone costs, and seek input on how reductions could be generated.

    well done on telling your partner. My dh got himself into similar diffs at one point.  I was so relieved when he told me what was going on as I could see that something wasn’t right and my mind was considering all possibilities including major health problems.  I’m not being flippant but at least it’s only money.

    well done coming on here, start posting your progress and you’ll be cheered on every pound of the way.
    Mortgage at 01.01.14 £119,481.83:eek: today £0 Emergency fund £5.5/5.5k & £200/200 cash.:jWeight 24/02/19 14st 7lb now 12st determined to stop defining myself by my mistakes. Progress not perfection.:T100%through my 1% mortgage challenge. 100% through my pb challenge.
  • Spinayarn
    Spinayarn Posts: 230 Forumite
    100 Posts First Anniversary Name Dropper
    Hi and welcome. I would totally recommend the “debt payoff planner” app. It has been a total game changer for me, helping to see my journey ahead. 
    My Debt Free journey - started 1 May 2023. Goal date October 2026 May 2026 April 2026

    CC1 £180 £0.00
    CC2 £1948.18 £0.00
    O/D £1400 £0.00
    Loan 1 £6231.57. £0.00
    Loan 2 £6993.30  £3900.68
    Car Loan £11257.28  £9,025
    Total Debt: £28006.30  £12,790

    EF £1939.73
  • mnkone
    mnkone Posts: 35 Forumite
    Fourth Anniversary 10 Posts Name Dropper
    Hi, Just wanted to add a bit of input as it sounds very similar to where I was just over a year ago, just with a different amount of debt. 

    Your partner knowing is definitely the biggest step, that was the hardest part for me, but has been a massive weight lifted, as it being a secret is a constant worry. 

    The second biggest step for me was getting as much debt into one loan, with a decent interest rate, which I know isn't the best for everyone. But worked for me, as it was all in one place, after paying off the smaller bits I had.

    Then the next steps I took split opinion quite dramatically. My wife and I have arranged that she has the bills go from her account and that on payday I transfer all my wages except the loan payment and £100 for myself for the month as "fun money". Most of which I used to put towards days out with our children. 
    Then I looked at the root cause of the escalating debt and in the end I complained to the main lenders about irresponsible lending. It has taken almost a year, but the main complaint which was the last one, has now finished and now my debt has dropped by over 80%. If you had multiple loans, cards etc with one lender while other loans, payments etc showed in your account, I really think its worth doing. 

    The last thing I will say is, when paying everything down, you will likely have less to live on, but just savor all the little things that you may not have before. It really helps.   
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