I'm 30, single and have no children but want to be a parent - I feel as if time is running out

braskasfinalaeon

Hi. This post represents something of a leap into the unknown for myself as I seldom discuss personal matters. I'm a man. I have known for a long time that I want to settle down and have children. I've wanted to since I was in my early 20s. I turned 30 recently and I was hoping to have already had children (or at least one child) by this stage of my life. I appreciate the fact that men aren't subject to the same reproductive time limits as women, and can father children well into old age. However, I can't say I find the idea of being a geriatric dad particularly appealing, and I'm not exactly getting any younger myself. I am comfortable financially and content in other areas of my life, but I desperately want to be a parent.

Within the last couple of years, multiple members of my social circle have become parents, while some are currently either expecting a baby or are actively trying for one. Some are already onto their second child. None of them regrets having children; rather, those I've asked about it consider it to be the best thing that has ever happened to them, which I believe to be a view which is shared by many parents. This has served to reinforce my concerns about time slipping away. I feel I am in as good a position in life as I ever will be to become a parent, but it takes two to tango as the famous adage goes. I have not found a girlfriend who wants the same thing as me. The issue I have with apps is that they are generally populated with people (men and women) who are just looking for casual sex. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but there aren't many who are looking to settle down and have children. I sometimes hear stories about people meeting their perfect partner unexpectedly as they go about their life, but hoping for that to happen seems not dissimilar to hoping to win on the lottery. I also must confess, I feel quite wistful when I see men who appear around my age with (who I presume to be) their girlfriend or wife, and they are accompanied by their child or children. I certainly have a lot of things to be grateful for, but sometimes when I see a couple who appear to be new parents, I can't help but think to myself that I wish it was me in their position. I suppose I'd like to ask, is there anyone here who didn't have their first child until later in life - specifically after 30? If so, do you ever regret not starting a family sooner? Do you think my thoughts about ticking clocks and running out of time are warranted given my situation?

shiny76

braskasfinalaeon said:

I suppose I'd like to ask, is there anyone here who didn't have their first child until later in life - specifically after 30? If so, do you ever regret not starting a family sooner? Do you think my thoughts about ticking clocks and running out of time are warranted given my situation?

I don't regret starting a family later into my 30s.  I constantly feel exhausted but there is no telling I'd be any less tired if I'd started in my early 20s - which like you, I'd originally envisaged.  The main difference I see is being one of the slightly older parents in the playground, but this makes little difference.

The one piece of advice I'd give would be to concentrate on forming the strongest relationship you can.  A strong relationship between you and a partner will be a good foundation for any future family.

london21

I can relate with your post been a single female in her 30’s.

Having children is important to me but also more importantly is marrying and having children with the right person.

Not something to be rushed into.

I feel as though I have been focused on been the best version of myself, I see people online but prefer to meet in real life than dating apps. With dating apps feels like have to communicate with so many people and might not be compatible can sometimes be draining.

I am comfortable financially, have my own property but there is also the added complexity of some people online doing menial jobs and I do not want to be the breadwinner for example. Also does not help than I am the youngest and all my siblings are married. Social media feels like everyone is either getting married, having a baby shower etc.

Just so complex and scary. I try not to be fearful but hopeful.

pinkshoes

Do you want biological children? Or would adoption as a single person be an option?

My DH was 37 when we met (I was 29). We now have 3 kids!

There are all sorts of ages in the playground. Sometimes I'm not sure if it's the grandparent or parent collecting!! No one cares. In the Y2 class (kids age 6 and 7) there are parents into their 50s, and some in their early 30s!

[Deleted User]

A general observation really, I was a single mum at 37, a relative was  a married father at around the same age. I think we'd both like to have had children earlier if only because we would have been able to be more active now and as we age possibly less of a future burden to them?  But that is more about health than actual age. 

But do get into a solid relationship first is my advice, being a single (or divorced) parent is hard, not having someone to share the worry ( and the joys of course!). Being in an unhappy relationship with children is much worse for them and you, and there are plenty around that fit that description, I see them every day.    

 Don't worry too much about being 30, your partner is possibly going to be younger, or the same age, and also still looking for someone who is a) not married and b) not just casual. It's a cliche but look for someone through a mutual interest, maybe whatever you enjoy as a hobby? 

h1rs

I wouldn't sweat it too much. I met my now wife in my early thirties. Got married at 35. Had first child at 38 and second at 43. Like you I tried dating apps (also blind dates and singles nights) however ended up marrying a girl I went out with in my late teens after bumping in to her on a random night out. I don't for one second regret having kids later in life, in fact I think it's becoming more normal. 

Spendless

I know several people who have hit 30 single and childless and by the end of that decade are married/in a serious relationship with child/ren myself and Mr S included. 

What about meeting someone in a different way to apps, any friends who know someone, hobbies where you  might meet someone? 

powerful_Rogue

Met partner on Plenty of Fish when I was 32.

Married at 36.

Father at 39.

No regrets at all.

katkatmachine

OP meet london21 (see 2nd reply/comment above). 

Exodi

Like many others above, my partner and I are 31, we've been together for 3 years (we actually got married last month), and we're not tripping over ourselves to have kids, it is nice having no responsibilities and going on fancy holidays together.

We are however planning to start having kids in a years time, and we're both more than comfortable with this. I've seen firsthand the difficulties of having children very young before you are settled, my sister had a child at 18.

We're also pretty realistic regarding the whole thing. While I'm sure everyone will nostalgically attest that having kids is the best thing that happened to them, and it's all selfies of their babies in cute clothes doing funny things, I'm not naive to the fact that it will be incredibly taxing, physically, emotionally, financially and on a relationship.

But I digress, to the OP particularly, you can relax. You won the gender lottery. As a male, you still have a few decades to reproduce - the blunt reality. It is much harder for women.

pickledonionspaceraider

I can honestly see the benefits of having children slightly later

As a (now older) lady who had children young - I think I would have been a far better parent had i waited until i was in my 30s