Controlling Ex Refusing Access - CSA Situation

lixhul

I genuinely don't know where to post this, I need help. So many issues lately.

My ex has controlled my access to my daughter for the entire 5 years she's been with us. She don't like what I do? You're not seeing your daughter. Doesn't like I've started a new relationship? You're not seeing your daughter until it ends. Won't do a chore for me? You're not seeing your daughter for a month. Yesterday, she blocked access in front of my daughter and I was heartbroken seeing her cry. This has to end and end now, so I have decided to do something. Looking online and at the law, it's all in favour of the mother and I am at a loss.

I am not on the birth certificate. I have paid what the CSA calculator states for the entire duration and more of her life. I have asked for the ex signature to be put on a certificate change request and she has refused to sign, so what's my best course of action? End game is I want to go to court and gain access, pay my dues, and not let her control our relationship any longer. It's destroyed my being and harmed my daughter's relationship.

The hardest thing in trying to stop this is that I have little money and I am hugely in debt. I need to do this concisely and smartly. Her control must end, it's changed who I am and I am afraid of disapointing her as I am afraid she'll, as before, block access. It has to end and I would absolutely love any advice on what next to do now.

Thank you.

tightauldgit

Well sounds like you need to get a child arrangements order sorted so that you have a legally agreed and enforceable set of arrangements. In order to do this you need to apply to a court for an order. 

Before you submit the application you will need to have attended a MIAM meeting with an mediator though. Probably worth approaching your ex and asking her is she would consider mediation - but even if not you still have to jump through the hoop of the meeting.

The child arrangements process is not that difficult and it's not necessary to have a solicitor for it but you may wish to take some advice from one if you think the situation might become complicated. 

If you are paying CMS then obviously the parentage is not disputed so I don't think it will be an issue.

lixhul

I don't dispute it and never have, but she won't sign a birth certificate change because she doesn't want me to have any rights. So how best is it to get my name on the birth certificate? I've read it involves a DNA test which is fine, but again I don't know what to do with it. Nothing is clear

BAFE

The easiest thing might be to go and see a solicitor who specialises in family law - they can advise you the legal route to follow.

Brie

If you have no/little money check what legal help can be had for "free".  Sometimes motor or house insurance has this as an add on.  Otherwise check with your employer to see if it's a benefit, possibly a union could help, or an occupational association - SSFA if you are ex military, BWC if you (or your ex) have ever worked in a bank or some other financial institutions, BCE for construction etc.  Or check with your local CAB too as they may have some ideas.

And head over to the debt free forum for advice on how to get your budget sorted and get on a more solid financial footing.

tightauldgit

lixhul said:

I don't dispute it and never have, but she won't sign a birth certificate change because she doesn't want me to have any rights. So how best is it to get my name on the birth certificate? I've read it involves a DNA test which is fine, but again I don't know what to do with it. Nothing is clear

You'd have to go to court and get a Parental Responsibility Order then. That will get you your parental rights. 

I don't see that a DNA test is needed as she's not disputing you are the dad. You'd have to make the case that it's in the best interests of the child for you to have parental rights.

MalMonroe

Hi, I'm with Brie, above on this. 

Info in the following link about legal help - 

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/law-and-courts/legal-system/finding-free-or-affordable-legal-help/

For debt help you can also contact one of the free debt help agencies for sensible and non-judgemental advice about debt. 

StepChange   https://www.stepchange.org/
National Debtline  https://nationaldebtline.org/
Citizens Advice (same link as above)

I went through a similar thing in the past except I am the mother who at first wanted to keep our daughter from her dad when he walked out and left us for another woman. My attempt at controlling was simply brought about by being so badly hurt by what he'd done. 

However, it was pointed out to me by several people - friends, relatives and my solicitor - that the only person I was truly harming was my daughter. And she wanted to see her dad and resented the fact that I wanted to prevent that. 

Your daughter is being used as a pawn and it isn't on. You really do need to get some legal help because you have parental rights and, as your daughter gets older, she's going to really resent her mother, who is doing more harm than she realises. She's not just punishing you (for what, I'm not sure - I only know that I was also very unreasonable for a period of time after my ex and I separated so maybe your ex just never came out of that phase). I came out of my stupor to realise that it wasn't up to me to keep my daughter from her dad because of course she still loved him and wanted to see him. Your ex hasn't managed to separate your relationship with her from the relationship you need to have with your daughter. 

You might be surprised to know that the law isn't all about the mother. Where children are involved, the law is all about them and their welfare. As it should be. I wasn't allowed to dictate terms and conditions when my marriage folded, even though I am the mother. I had to agree to terms and conditions given to me by a judge. And thank goodness I did because at the time I really wanted my ex to disappear completely. Which I realised later was very selfish because my daughter has benefited so much from the great relationship she had and still has now with her dad. So glad I wasn't allowed to interfere with that. She still has two very loving parents, even though she's now an adult. And he and I are now able to speak in a civilised manner to each other. Even if he is now on his fourth marriage. . . (another story!)

I really do feel sorry for you but I feel sorry for your daughter more. I hope you can manage to get things sorted out properly because that poor girl is suffering. All the best to you.

lixhul

MalMonroe said:

Hi, I'm with Brie, above on this. 

Info in the following link about legal help - 

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/law-and-courts/legal-system/finding-free-or-affordable-legal-help/

For debt help you can also contact one of the free debt help agencies for sensible and non-judgemental advice about debt. 

StepChange   https://www.stepchange.org/
National Debtline  https://nationaldebtline.org/
Citizens Advice (same link as above)

I went through a similar thing in the past except I am the mother who at first wanted to keep our daughter from her dad when he walked out and left us for another woman. My attempt at controlling was simply brought about by being so badly hurt by what he'd done. 

However, it was pointed out to me by several people - friends, relatives and my solicitor - that the only person I was truly harming was my daughter. And she wanted to see her dad and resented the fact that I wanted to prevent that. 

Your daughter is being used as a pawn and it isn't on. You really do need to get some legal help because you have parental rights and, as your daughter gets older, she's going to really resent her mother, who is doing more harm than she realises. She's not just punishing you (for what, I'm not sure - I only know that I was also very unreasonable for a period of time after my ex and I separated so maybe your ex just never came out of that phase). I came out of my stupor to realise that it wasn't up to me to keep my daughter from her dad because of course she still loved him and wanted to see him. Your ex hasn't managed to separate your relationship with her from the relationship you need to have with your daughter. 

You might be surprised to know that the law isn't all about the mother. Where children are involved, the law is all about them and their welfare. As it should be. I wasn't allowed to dictate terms and conditions when my marriage folded, even though I am the mother. I had to agree to terms and conditions given to me by a judge. And thank goodness I did because at the time I really wanted my ex to disappear completely. Which I realised later was very selfish because my daughter has benefited so much from the great relationship she had and still has now with her dad. So glad I wasn't allowed to interfere with that. She still has two very loving parents, even though she's now an adult. And he and I are now able to speak in a civilised manner to each other. Even if he is now on his fourth marriage. . . (another story!)

I really do feel sorry for you but I feel sorry for your daughter more. I hope you can manage to get things sorted out properly because that poor girl is suffering. All the best to you.

Hi, thank you for the link, I will go on the site and get some advice on how to best approach this. It sounds similar, I left her for another women and ever since she has used my daughter as her controlling mechanism to get to me. It's over, I want it stopped and will do whatever is necessary, and that starts with the birth certificate, so I will ask Citizens Advice on how best to get there.

Once again thank you.