Job hunting advice for a graduate with no confidence

Sapindus

I have my 24 year old son living with me.  He graduated with an IT degree during the pandemic.  By great good luck a year after he graduated he found a job with a friend which lasted 18 months and gave him some useful experience but the friend has now wound the business up.  Other than this his only workplace experience is limited volunteering.  He suffers from self-confidence and anxiety issues which frequently manifest as major procrastination/avoidance strategies and have done since GCSE age. He has a small circle of friends from uni but they all live some way off so he sees them rarely.  He is currently on his third attempt to learn to drive and only after relentless nagging by me has booked a test, otherwise I believe he would carry on having lessons for ever.  He doesn't want to try and get a diagnosis of autism in case tests come back normal and he is just plain weird.

The last few days he has been up in his room "working on his CV".  I could knock him up a CV in a hour and will probably have it out with him this evening, but I am fed up with being the relentless nagger and the motivator in all this.  I want to move house in a year or so and I don't want to have to take him with me.  I want him to get a decent job with enough job security that he can afford to rent or buy his own place.

I know it looks like he is the feather-bedded freeloader taking advantage of an easy life, but he is more than happy to pay his way.  I could give you multiple examples of the real agonies he has put himself through whilst trying to overcome his confidence issues.  Just literally throwing him out and hoping he will learn to stand on his own two feet the hard way is not an option, I think he would do himself harm in that situation.

What advice would you give him/me?  

TBagpuss

It's very diffiuclt since you ant him to progress but also don't want to take responsbility for nagging him.

Is it possible for you to sit down and have a conversation with him where rather than nagging him you set out some specifc fcts and epectations?

e.g. "I don't want to be constnatly nagging you aso you need to start to setting yourelf speci timescales to get things done by. For instnace, you've been telling me you are 'working on' your CV - I'd strongly suggest that you set yourself a deadline to start sending out jjob applications - afterall, if your CV isn't perfect it may still be good enough to get you an interview, but f you aren't applying at all you defintely aren't going t get any interviews. - I am willing to review your CV for you if you would like a second opinion before you send it off"

Maybe also:

You are an adult, so it's uyp to you hether you decide to get a formal assessment to see whether you are autistic, if you don't want to to do that, or even if youdon't tick the right boxes to be officially diagnoed, you might find it helpful to look at resoeuces for people who have autism or ADD to see whether any of the resources are useful for you - many people who are neurotypical stil lhave issues with procreaastination, anxieety or organisation and there are lots or things that can help regardless of whethr you have a speicfc dignosis or label.

And even;
"You are my son and I love you. But you are also now an adult, and it'simportnat that you start to become more inependent. I am hoping to move house within the next 12-18 months and I'm planning to downsize, it's unlikely that it will be feasible for you to carry on living permanently with me once I move - I am letting you knio now, as it does mean that there is som urgency about you finding work and getting to a point where you are able to move out, not least s a alot of landlords will need to see that you;ve been in your job for several months before the start of a lease, so it's not something you can leave until the last minute."

You could also suggest to him that if he gets an autism assesment and it suggests he doesn't have autism, that doesn't mean he is 'just weird', it may mean that he is neurodivergent in a differnet way, or that he has some of the characteristics but they don't wuite meet the height that would tirgger a formal assesment - and either way, whoever does the assesment may be able to help him to identify specfic areas where he stuggles and therforeto help him look for more tailored solutions  to help him manage those kinds of situations .

Teapot55

Although long term it wouldn’t give a person financial stability or a massively good income, short term temping can be very good. 

Once your son has a cv done (with your help if it’s quicker) he could approach agencies and start getting a few bits of work. Of course with temping, if you don’t like somewhere you don’t have to go back. On the other hand it can be a good way to find a job/ employer you like and if you’re getting on well and they offer you a job you can consider accepting their offer. 

Teapot55

Another thing to consider if you can afford it is to buy another place to move to but leave your son there as your tenant. That leaves him with a landlord (you!) who’ll have his best interests at heart. If it doesn’t work out you could review the situation down the line. 

Brie

Another vote here for temping via an agency.  The agency will also help style the cv to help him get his foot in the door.  

And if it's proper temping ("we need you to start Monday for 10 days at XX") then there's no interviews but he still gets to meet people and make connections and see what's available.  

Teapot55

Brie said:

Another vote here for temping via an agency.  The agency will also help style the cv to help him get his foot in the door.  

And if it's proper temping ("we need you to start Monday for 10 days at XX") then there's no interviews but he still gets to meet people and make connections and see what's available.  

Definitely agree with the above. I’ve had some brilliant jobs in the past that I got by being a temp there already and no stressful interviews to contend with. 

theoretica

Have you both read about demand avoidance?  eg https://www.pdasociety.org.uk   You might find some coping strategies or concepts that feel useful/appropriate - you don't need a diagnosis, or even to think you have the medical condition to borrow useful ideas.

GiantTCR

Enrol him in the army and at least you'll get him out of the house.

bartelbe

I have some sympathy for son. In theory employers should recruit the best and most capable person for the job. That is the rational thing for a business to do. In reality they tend to recruit the person who looks best in a suit and is good at blagging in interviews, even if they are useless.

So being someone who is shy and lacking in confidence can be a massive handicap when dealing, with to be blunt, poorly managed British businesses.

The best I can suggest is he continues trying and in the meantime gets a survival job.

Marcon

Sapindus said:

He doesn't want to try and get a diagnosis of autism in case tests come back normal and he is just plain weird.

That's a curious old sentence. People don't generally 'want' to get a diagnosis of anything - certainly not a condition which can't be cured and may or may not be ameliorated by what are described (sometimes optimistically) as 'coping strategies'.

Could it be that you want him to get the diagnosis? if so, why autism? Self confidence and anxiety issues are extremely common and if that's his only, or main, problem, however serious, trying to get it labelled as autism won't tackle the root cause.

You are to a large extent, wittingly or unwittingly, enabling the situation to continue:

Sapindus said:

He is currently on his third attempt to learn to drive and only after relentless nagging by me has booked a test, otherwise I believe he would carry on having lessons for ever.  

Who is paying for the lessons and why? Simply passing his test won't make him a confident and safe driver, whereas going on having lessons might keep his parent quiet...at least for a bit.

Your sound very torn between being a loving and supportive parent, and being an adult with your own life which is currently restricted by your son's needs. The problems are ultimately your son's to deal with, but given that it's easier to change your own behaviour rather than trying to change someone else's, why not get yourself some professional help to try and cope with what is obviously a frustrating situation, especially if you want to move house. 

MalMonroe

Oh dear, some of these comments are awful. I think your son would benefit from seeing his GP and having tests. Autism doesn't make people 'weird'. And people shouldn't be judged as 'weird' if they don't have autism! One of my best friends has it and was diagnosed at the age of 50. She said it was a relief to know. I met her at Uni when we were both mature students and she graduated with a first class degree. She's as smart as a whip but like your son, has very little confidence. It may be that your son has ADHD or he could be autistic but there are different levels of autism. I know someone with 8 year old twins who are both autistic and both very intelligent. They just need guidance as to how the 'normal' world works. They don't always conform. And really that's not a terrible thing. 

With your son, nagging is not going to help. In fact, it probably hinders. I wouldn't consider your son to be a "feather-bedded freeloader taking advantage of an easy life" at all. He is someone who needs some help. If he sees his GP then I'm sure that would start him on the road to getting more help. And if he has to go onto benefits for a while as he's gaining more confidence and understanding more about why he is as he is (not abnormal, by the way, just different) then what's wrong with that?

Your son needs love and understanding. Not tough love either. I'd encourage him to get the help he needs rather than trying to bully him into getting any old job right now. He's qualified in IT - that's the way forward for him. 

I'm the only carer for my daughter who had to leave Uni half way through her undergrad year because she developed ME/CFS after suffering from glandular fever. She still lives with me and relies on me a lot but she now has a part-time job she can do from home and she has also just finished a part time online MA from a Russell Group university (without having completed an undergraduate degree) with distinction. Yet people who don't understand ME have labelled her 'lazy' and for all we know, 'a feather bedded freeloader' in the past, who knows. She's tried a lot of different therapies and the only one that has worked for her is EMDR  (short for Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing). It could be that your son might find some kind of therapy helpful. But he shouldn't feel ashamed of not being like everyone else. He's unique, he's himself and he's your son. He's graduated with a university degree, he really is quite wonderful! You may be frustrated with him but he can't help how he is.

It took quite a while before my daughter was given a diagnosis and I realise that your son doesn't have any of the same symptoms but sometimes it does take time to find out what the real problem is. At least autism and ADHD are recognised conditions, whereas ME/CFS still struggles to be recognised by professionals.

I do hope that you'll be able to help your son (glad to see you won't chuck him out!) because he needs you more than ever now.