Getting started getting sorted

LemonHead0102

@Makingabobor2
Thank you for your support. As mentioned about, I will tell her when the situation has improved slightly and the new lifestyle on the DMP is in motion and stable. I'll be the first to admit that she is much better with her money than I am with mine. This is due in part to where she grew up being slightly behind the times (for lack of better words) so everyone she grew up with knew and always taught her to spend what you've got and no more. It's also due to the small wage she gets paid, being on just over £600 a month she has to be good with it because she knows that she wouldn't be able to afford hefty repayments. That's why I trust her with a lot of the financial decisions, which mortgage offer to take, which bits to buy when we do food shopping, where to get the cheapest XYZ etc.

There will be an update on here when I have told her to debrief how the conversation went and how we're proceeding further from it. But for now it's remaining my secret while I get things to stabilise.

Makingabobor2

LemonHead0102 said:

@Makingabobor2
Thank you for your support. As mentioned about, I will tell her when the situation has improved slightly and the new lifestyle on the DMP is in motion and stable. I'll be the first to admit that she is much better with her money than I am with mine. This is due in part to where she grew up being slightly behind the times (for lack of better words) so everyone she grew up with knew and always taught her to spend what you've got and no more. It's also due to the small wage she gets paid, being on just over £600 a month she has to be good with it because she knows that she wouldn't be able to afford hefty repayments. That's why I trust her with a lot of the financial decisions, which mortgage offer to take, which bits to buy when we do food shopping, where to get the cheapest XYZ etc.

There will be an update on here when I have told her to debrief how the conversation went and how we're proceeding further from it. But for now it's remaining my secret while I get things to stabilise.

Good luck with it all then. I just personally can't get my head round any married couple having secrets, especially financial secrets. I really hope it works out ok for you. 

Bluegreen143

Please do think about honesty. I don’t think I’m alone in that I’d be very, very hurt and betrayed if my husband had taken out a DMP without consulting me. If she only works half the time for childcare, you are effectively the breadwinner and she is depending on you as wouldn’t be able to pay the bills etc without you so she deserves to know.

Also, two heads are better than one when it comes to finding solutions - she may have her own ideas at how to solve the problem and may actually be able to help you. For instance, maybe as a family you can’t actually afford for one of you to work part time, but if you don’t talk about it then you’re working blind.

I admit I’m a fan of joint finances when you’re committed and have a family, without transparency and teamwork how can you work towards your dreams? Whether that’s adding to your family, early retirement, paying for kids’ weddings/education, buying a bigger house or doing building work, investing in a holiday home, travelling together, one of you starting a business or retraining in a new career, having a career break, the added stability of a big emergency fund to buy peace of mind… most of us have a life dream or two that we can’t really reach without the buy-in and support from our partners. 

With the above in mind, do think carefully before you make any permanent decisions without consulting her. If you lock yourself into a DMP that WILL affect her life experiences and lifestyle over the next decade or two til it’s paid off. She deserves to know. 

LemonHead0102

@Bluegreen143
I do understand, really and I am going to have the conversation however difficult it may be. I know she would likely say the same thing about feeling betrayed and I would totally understand that perspective, I'm hoping that when I have that talk with her, she lets me have the opportunity to explain how it all happened to begin with and how I'm going about fixing things for us both. I'm just very fearful about how it'll go I don't think anything bad would come of it other than her not wanting to speak to me for a bit perhaps but it's the unknown that's keeping me from going forward with it at the moment. I had family issues last year and now don't speak to really any of my family spare one set of grandparents so without my partner I have nobody and don't want to risk a situation where I don't have anyone. The fact that we're not married either makes me feel worse about it because in my head it would be easier for her to leave me so to speak as there'd be no paperwork to go through. I'll likely do some reading on how best to start that conversation and possibly even call StepChange to see what their advisors have to say on the matter.

enthusiasticsaver

LemonHead0102 said:

@Bluegreen143
I do understand, really and I am going to have the conversation however difficult it may be. I know she would likely say the same thing about feeling betrayed and I would totally understand that perspective, I'm hoping that when I have that talk with her, she lets me have the opportunity to explain how it all happened to begin with and how I'm going about fixing things for us both. I'm just very fearful about how it'll go I don't think anything bad would come of it other than her not wanting to speak to me for a bit perhaps but it's the unknown that's keeping me from going forward with it at the moment. I had family issues last year and now don't speak to really any of my family spare one set of grandparents so without my partner I have nobody and don't want to risk a situation where I don't have anyone. The fact that we're not married either makes me feel worse about it because in my head it would be easier for her to leave me so to speak as there'd be no paperwork to go through. I'll likely do some reading on how best to start that conversation and possibly even call StepChange to see what their advisors have to say on the matter.

I would say the dishonesty in not talking to her may well be more painful than how the debt occurred as I would imagine she would get that her income dropping may well be a factor in how the debt built up.  You say that you cannot speak to any family so your partner is all you have to talk to so it is sad that you cannot be completely open with her. Maybe just start talking more about money and how difficult it is to make ends meet so it won't be a complete bolt out of the blue when you do eventually tell her about how your finances got so out of control. Make a budget with her so you decide between you how much you can afford to spend on food, fuel, entertainment, clothes etc etc. Talk about saving for holidays and birthdays and christmas. 

LemonHead0102

@enthusiasticsaver
Thanks for the advice. I think you might be right there on what would hurt more. We're getting a new mortgage deal coming in from Decembers pay and have agreed to do a financial review at the time so we can re-organise how much we each pay to bills etc. so I'll start sewing the seeds from that point.