When a partner doesn't get it

bownyboy

Lots of good advice in the thread and I'll echo what others have said. In my experience there's always one person who 'gets' the finance side of things and one who doesn't or has no interest. I don't think that's a problem as along as you are aligned on your goals.

My wife has no interest in the numbers, her eyes glaze over; but she is very happy knowing when we can both retire and how much we can spend!

Like others I have created spreadsheets with all the details along with scanned documents and they are saved in google docs and also iCloud shared folders. 

For passwords we use a shared BitWarden which is free online and also an app.

We also recently did our Living Power of Attorneys using the gov.uk website for health and wellbeing and finances which is another weight off our shoulders should anything happen to either of us. 

I also found a website yesterday called Life Ledger which looks really interesting; you add your details, your parter and all your account names and when one of you dies it automatically contacts all the companies informing them, so you don't have to.

purplelady99

I think that many people are just not interested in financial planning and are never going to be. I think you said you and your husband are in your 40s so maybe retirement seems something in the very distant future and if he’s more a ‘live for  today’ person it’s probably not even on his radar. Myself and my OH haven’t really done much financial planning - either during our working lives or for retirement - we will both have DB pensions and it’s only now when we’re in the last few years of our working lives that I’ve started looking into how much we’ll have etc so I can appreciate where your husband is coming from. Your husband obviously has absolute faith that you have everything under control so doesn’t feel the need to involve himself in something that is of no interest to him. I’d also say be careful what you wish for! If your OH did take an active interest you might find yourselves having disagreements about your financial strategy whereas this way there’s no conflict! 

strawb_shortcake

Seems to be a theme here my Husband is exactly the same! He doesn't work and only has a state pension to look forward too. 
I tried getting him to set up a private pension and was almost there and backed out. 
He's not convinced he'll reach 68 so a pension is way down the list of his priorities. He does have some assets which I could sell but that'll be time consuming.
All the bills are on DD out of the joint account, I have a book detailing all home and financial matters. And the emergency fund is in a joint savings account.

If I die first, he'd have no mortgage, a pension and six figures in the bank.
If he dies  first, I get to starfish every night 

michaels

MY wife and I split the finances 50:50 - I earn, she spends.

When I suggest she spends less as we somehow need to pay for a 3k increase in our utility bills them I am being 'financially controlling' like what they talk about on day time TV.

When I suggest that we (she) spend less so we can invest more and I can retire early she just laughs and asks why I would want to retire early as she certainly doesn't find being a SAHW tiring

Ibrahim5

I remember when I was retiring early my wife went out with a group of housewives for lunch and they all agreed that my wife shouldn't permit me to retire. I also did a job where we got lectures about financial abuse. The implication was that if I tried to restrict her spending in any way that would be abuse.

ex-pat_scot

michaels said:

MY wife and I split the finances 50:50 - I earn, she spends.

When I suggest she spends less as we somehow need to pay for a 3k increase in our utility bills them I am being 'financially controlling' like what they talk about on day time TV.

When I suggest that we (she) spend less so we can invest more and I can retire early she just laughs and asks why I would want to retire early as she certainly doesn't find being a SAHW tiring

Ibrahim5 said:

I remember when I was retiring early my wife went out with a group of housewives for lunch and they all agreed that my wife shouldn't permit me to retire. I also did a job where we got lectures about financial abuse. The implication was that if I tried to restrict her spending in any way that would be abuse.

This is what I'm slightly nervous about.

Mrs XPS dismisses my financial planning, assuming all the while that (a) I can continue to earn enough to feed the family expenditure that requires ongoing furnace-loads of cash (b) I am making sufficient provision for long term planning and retirement (c) I will carry on regardless.
Any suggestions on budgeting or cutting back are met with hostility and complaint about being controlled.

It's a bit "having your cake and eating it."  She trusts that enough will be there when it is required, Micawber-like, and that it's my ongoing role to plan and provide.
I'm a few years away from stopping, but rather suspect that I will get a fair bit of pressure to carry on in a "one more year" style. Ie we might have to slightly cut back because of my selfishness. Or why not carry on so that we might afford "x"?

It's fine to discuss vague plans at the moment - along the lines of sharing the progress and milestones on the size of the pot, but it's rather abstract to her and not something on her radar.
Of course, the trigger, whenever it comes, might well be precipitated by other matters such as failing health, caring responsibilities etc. 

anonmoose

Wow I thought I had problems! We both work full time and neither of us are big spenders and have the same goals (even though husband can't be arsed to actually put the plans in place to make it happen).

I am shocked at the last few posts and it puts my worries about my husbands lack of involvement in perspective.  The situations I have just read about in the above posts really don't sound fair.

jim8888

It's interesting how couples manage their finances. I have two male friends who are "the earners" and give their wives (effectively) pocket money. My wife and I, when we worked, totalled our joint incomes, paid the bills and divided any remainder equally by two (although I was the bigger earner by some way). "The bills" also included anything I was salting away into savings and investing, which she left me to manage. Now we're both retired, we're trying to jointly understand and manage the finances whereas before I did it all. I think some of the concerns raised above - growing older, knowing about joint pensions, Power of Attorney, no income coming in - helps to focus your attention on the importance of it all. 

MallyGirl

anonmoose said:

Wow I thought I had problems! We both work full time and neither of us are big spenders and have the same goals (even though husband can't be arsed to actually put the plans in place to make it happen).

I am shocked at the last few posts and it puts my worries about my husbands lack of involvement in perspective.  The situations I have just read about in the above posts really don't sound fair.

Another shocked person here. We both work full time these days although I was part time for a few years when our daughter was small. Before maternity I was the higher earner but these days he is, by quite a bit. I am naturally more cautious on spending - he is happy to spend more for better quality and would rather work for one more year to be able to continue with that mindset. I can cope with that. We have always just had a joint account which all earnings go into - no concept of mine or his, it is all ours regardless of who contributed what. All the retirement planning is based on us stopping at the same time - if he really wants to carry on at that point I would be disappointed as I want us enjoying it together.

anonmoose

It does personally make me uncomfortable when I hear of wives with 'pocket money', as we have always just shared a joint account even when I wasn't working for a year or so when my youngest was a baby. I was working as hard as my husband at that time and would have been insulted. As it is me who manages the finance it was never an issue!

But I can see not everyone is sensible with money and sometimes it is necessary for the good of the household.

Also there is a big difference between a stay at home mum with young kids working her socks off running a home, toddlers etc with little or no outside help and a lady of leisure with older/grown up kids who has housekeeper, gardener, dogwalker etc. I have worked for a number of the latter and always feel sorry for the husbands.