When a partner doesn't get it

Marcon

anonmoose said:

I am getting increasingly frustrated with my husband who just seems to think we don't have to financially plan and everything will come good in the end.

I have spent many hours going over our figures and I have been asking him to increase his work contributions for around 2 months now.  I have probably mentioned it every other day with increasing urgency and this morning lost my rag and basically said if you don't increase your pension now I will be fine but you are on your own in retirement!  

This is known as nagging. When a man does it, it's called being in control!

anonmoose said:

So anyway my question isn't about numbers and financial planning as I am on top of that but how I can get my husband actively interested in this stuff.  I hope to retire in 10yrs but it would be nice for him to take an active interest in when he can/wants to retire.  Also I would worry that if I wasn't here he would have absolutely no idea where to start and make very bad decisions.  So how would you approach this situation?   Or would you just carry on by yourself and not worry his pretty head 

You probably can't - and as you've been married to him for 20 years, you should know how likely success is! What you can do is make it easy for him to give you the information you need to plan. Sit down on your own and work out a list of what you think you'd need to know if he died (gulp), then break the list down into short, simple questions which will require short, simple answers. 'What would I do if you died?' is too global to get a meaningful response, so try things along the line of where do I find x, who do I contact if y happens and see if you can give yourself some peace of mind and possibly give him some peace.

Best of luck!

MallyGirl

You are not alone - I do all the finances (inc mortgage, bills, insurances etc). OH is happy that I do it and trusts me to but I have had to get him more involved recently as he was on track to incur LTA taxes and action needed to be taken. He did click on a link somewhere about LTA which led to a call with a financial advisor who turned out to be aligned with St James Place. I suspect they don't anticipate getting his business after I sat in on the call

OH doesn't dislike his job as much as I do but he is up for early retirement (although not as early as I would like). I am the one who has to crunch the numbers so that we can go when we reach our 'NUMBER' - see https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/2146737/pensions-planning-the-number/p1. He wouldn't have a clue what that number is! He has been walked through it all, given access to the spreadsheets etc but is just not interested enough to do any of it. I can't change that.

If I died before retirement then it would be a fair bit of complexity for OH to get the hang of - once we are retired I will simplify things.

Fabtasia

My husband isn't interested too.

Because I had loads of pensions (changed jobs), it was useful to have an IFA go through what the joint position was.  I also do a monthly reconciliation of spending which I email to him - I know he doesn't read it  but at least it's there.

moving_forward

Mine never was that interested but again I keep on explaining as it's not fair for one partner to leave it all to the other. I have to write the increase pension letters then give them to him to sign and hand in to work.
He's gradually accepting he needs to be involved and will listen more if I don't go ott on things. I've also done the "well don't moan if I retire earlier than you" as I'm not prepared to be responsible entirely.
Reminding them why they need to know is good as well as explaining as a team everyone needs to be on board. 
Keep it simple. But ensure they know the basics.

anonmoose

MEM62 said:

anonmoose said:

I am getting increasingly frustrated with my husband who just seems to think we don't have to financially plan and everything will come good in the end.

anonmoose said:

I have always done everything with our finances and up until now haven't minded too much (we have been together 20yrs), but now I think he needs to start taking accountability.  

I think your expectation is unrealistic.  You have not asked him to play any part in your financial planning for 20 years yet expect him to change his attitude towards it just because you have changed yours.  That is unlikely to happen.  

You appear to have done a good job with your household finances thus far and have managed to get him to increase his pension contribution.  I would carry on as you are and save yourself the angst of trying to change him.          

Just to be clear I have asked him on many occasions to play a part in our finances for the last 20yrs but it has always resulted in the same outcome we have now with his pension.

Him not doing what he should and then me having to constantly remind him and get frustrated with the situation.

I have given up over the years as it's easier to do it myself than ask him to do something repeatedly, him not do it then me do it myself in the end as I don't want to keep "nagging"! 

Rightly or wrongly I have accepted long ago i cannot rely on him to do anything regarding our household other than financially contribute. Doing it myself has just been to save the inevitable stress and arguments. 

But I do think reflecting on all the comments the answer is to carry on but start putting things down on paper should he need it.

DT2001

My OH contributes most to our income. She is quite frugal and financially switched on re tax, funding ISA’s/SIPPs etc however I deal with the pensions, have worked out our number etc etc 

I keep everything simple - we can retire now with X or later with Y assuming Z. She knows I look at SWRs etc etc, being flexible with spending, downsizing, possible inheritance etc and is quite happy for me to continue with that whilst she concentrates on the here and now. I deal with all paperwork, online banking etc and everything is shared so it is about the person who is more interested sorting that.

A friend was recently widowed whose OH drove the finances. He with help from an IFA has moved seemingly seamlessly on as all finances were well organised.

I have one folder which refers to other files if more details are needed but ‘it’ looks simple and therefore manageable. DIY your OH will be happier that way.

anonmoose

OK and what do people do regards logins, passwords etc? As putting everything on paper seems important but if you have a "how to" of all your finances in one place surely that is a security risk? Is it best to keep things electronically or on paper? And password/login somewhere they know how to access but different place to account details?

SMcGill

I don’t know if you’d want to but you could keep responsibility for making sure that he will financially survive if you die first, but leave it up to him to make it better than basic? At least then you don’t have to worry, and you may feel less like nagging him

anonmoose

He will be fine if I go first as he would get my pension as well as his own plus his full  SP.

I am more concerned about the impact if we are still together as I am looking at our pots together as a whole for 2 people.  I have managed to get him to increase his contribution though so hopefully problem solved and I won't burden him further unless necessary.

It just feels a big responsibility to take alone. Retirement planning is very different to just dealing with household administration and it does feel like it should be a joint decision/responsibility. And I don't even have to start thinking about drawdown strategies yet!

cloud_dog

anonmoose said:

So how would you approach this situation?

Have you tried to project his current pension provision (growth and inflation) and, perhaps use the 3.5% (4%) drawdown rate, and ask him how or even if he would manage on £XXXX pa (compared to his current salary)?