What's my purpose?

gettingtheresometime

Firstly let me stress I'm not suicidal. 

As posted before I became a widow at the grand old age of 53 quite suddenly back in October and as strange as it sounds I can deal with the fact my husband died. I've accepted that. I've accepted that the life I thought I was going to have is not going to happen and I'm on a completely different path now.

I'm struggling with the lack of purpose in my life though.

We've got a grown up son who had left home well before before his dad died & I can't live my life through him. Have no grandchildren and I doubt I'll ever be a grandmother. Again I can't dictate how his lives his life.

Our married life was a hybrid of a modern & traditional one - we both shared the household chores but I felt that it was my job to make sure that the household ran smoothly so he only had to worry about running the company so it was me that made sure meals were planned, shopping done, that sort of thing. 

Now I haven't got that. I get up, go to work come home with a little going out but that's it. 

I've tried telling people how I feel & for purpose they're hearing lonely. Yes I am lonely but I can deal with that. It's the lack of purpose I'm really struggling with.

Any words of advice ?

[Deleted User]

Hi,

heh, you're only 53, life in the old dog yet.

Your purpose in life is to help make others happy, and through that you will find happiness.

Could you get involved in community projects, do voluntary in a charity shop?

Flugelhorn

I think I understand and can sympathise - I am a decade older and retired, can do whatever I want and go wherever  I like (ho ho covid permitting)  but to what purpose, sometimes it feels like just making time pass - am sure some people enjoy volunteering but it is just a way of being occupied. 

Sorry not sure what to suggest 

tooldle

I’d start with small things, if this were me. So have a think, what have you wanted or considered doing but put off for any reason? Maybe it is a new recipe, a walk in the local park, trying a new coffee place or tidying your front garden. Make a list and start tackling a few of these. Small actions will have a cumulative impact over time.  Most people don’t have a big purpose, more a series of small pleasures. I’m not a believer that anyone’s purpose is to make others happy. All we can control is our own actions and reactions. Myself I work full time, I’ve a house and garden in need of extensive refurbishment and a parent with care needs. I feel purpose through my work and I prioritise well-being to allow me to do the other things that need doing. For me that means dog walks and swimming several times a week. I also have some downtime each week and will normally sit and read of do a jigsaw puzzle. Good luck OP

Sea_Shell

I'm sure many people have thought this during their lives, I know I have.

I'm 50 and early retired, through choice, and thankfully still have my DH.

We don't have children, so I haven't even "achieved" that!!

I'm not really a "people person" either, so I'm not sure volunteering is for me either.  It also requires commitment to "be" somewhere at a given time and place...sounds too much like "work" !! 

Maybe I would be inclined to do that sort of thing more if I were on my own?

But for now I'm... "busy doing nothing, working the whole day through, trying to find lots of things not to do". 



Unless you do such great things in life that you are rewarded with a Queen's Honour, or a Blue Plaque above your front door....realistically what IS anyone's purpose ?

It gets even more profound when you start watching programmes about Space and the Universe....then my head explodes due to the WHY of it ALL.   

Flugelhorn

^ 
@Sea_Shell - yes exactly that 

I did try CAB but it felt too much like being at work and being tied down to times and being assessed etc I freaked & left.

best to avoid purpose 

Sea_Shell

tooldle said:

I’d start with small things, if this were me. So have a think, what have you wanted or considered doing but put off for any reason? Maybe it is a new recipe, a walk in the local park, trying a new coffee place or tidying your front garden. Make a list and start tackling a few of these. Small actions will have a cumulative impact over time.  Most people don’t have a big purpose, more a series of small pleasures. I’m not a believer that anyone’s purpose is to make others happy. All we can control is our own actions and reactions. Myself I work full time, I’ve a house and garden in need of extensive refurbishment and a parent with care needs. I feel purpose through my work and I prioritise well-being to allow me to do the other things that need doing. For me that means dog walks and swimming several times a week. I also have some downtime each week and will normally sit and read of do a jigsaw puzzle. Good luck OP

I agree with the BiB.    Do things that make YOU happy.   

If that has a natural knock on effect that it happens to make someone else happy too, that's a bonus.   But never try and just make someone else happy, if its in any way detrimental to your own wellbeing.

This can be especially hard to balance when it involves family!

bouicca21

Actually I think what OP is experiencing, even though she does not recognise it as such, is grief.

Pollycat

I agree with Sea Shell, Flugelhorn and tooldle.

I too retired early (almost 20 years ago) and sometimes I feel that I'm not using my time in the best way.

Could you increase your 'going out' a bit more?

How about hobbies?
Do you have time to expand existing ones or start new ones?

I really think covid has made things much worse as we were all been forced to give up things we used to enjoy for such a long time and you've had a double-whammy in losing your husband.

theoretica

There is volunteering, and volunteering - just like jobs really.  For some people, being a small cog in someone else's project doesn't suit them, but seeing what needs to be done and starting something, setting it up does.  Whether some area of the neighbourhood needs a clear up, or a derelict building needs fundraising and a plan, or setting up a knit and chat group.

KxMx

I volunteer in a role that I find very fulfilling and rewarding- caring for rescue cats and kittens - and I'm basically able to set my own days/times to suit me, unless there are bottle babies who need feeding earlier than I'd normally start, so I make a temporary adjustment to my arrival time. 

I don't foster them myself but support a lady who does. I'm known as a Cat Cuddler. 

Not all volunteer work is rigid or feels like work. It's just a case of finding the right fit for you.