Wanna break free from this hand to mouth life !!

Lesleyhay

Bit about me - 58 year old working full time.  Engaged but no wedding plans at moment .  My Fiance is younger than me (4 yrs)  but is registered disabled,(multitude of medical issues including Chronic Arthritis) and also high functioning aspergers. 

 I have cleared all my debts from previous marriages following tips from diaries on here but I personally want to have  some savings /backup funds in case something happens to me or him.  Also I want to have something to look forward to as currently in rented accomodation with no likely hood of retirement. 

We have separate bank accounts and I pay the rent, council tax, water & TV licence whilst he pays for food, phones, Internet and elec.  He has a mobility vehicle and I sold my car last year as I got a job where I can walk to work almost as quickly as it would take to drive. He does have credit card debt but he won't tell me how much.  I suspect around £6,000 and he won't let me help pay it off. 

I have told him my ideas but not sure he will be much help.  Any ideas to help get him on board greatly appreciated. 

1. My personal aim is to have at least 60% nsd's a month.😄
2. Build a £500 pot by July 2021 for emergencies (starting target) 
3. £1000 pot by christmas🎊
4. Convince him to let me help with his cards. 
5. Not let him drive me stir crazy (love him to bits but the aspergers is very hard to handle and he's getting worse) 😍

MalMonroe

I'm not sure exactly what you are wanting help with. If it's to change someone else's personality then that really is a no-go area. You cannot do it. And should never try. Especially someone with high functioning Aspergers. They have their own ideas and plans and to be honest, so does everyone else, to a lesser degree. It's not fair to try to change anyone else to fit in with your idea of how life should be. They'll resent you for it and nobody will be happy.

It's like that old saying "I don't love you in spite of your faults but because of them". Do you ever think that?

If you can't love your partner as he is then it's unfair to keep him tied in a relationship that is causing you, without his knowledge, to consult strangers on an online forum with the heading 'wanna break free!!'.  If you do wanna break free, then do so. Don't stay with your partner for misguided reasons. You are his partner, not his parent. Although most successful relationships survive because the people involved really care for each other, it's not a good idea to try to mother your partner, viz "I personally want to have  some savings /backup funds in case something happens to me or him". And "He does have credit card debt but he won't tell me how much.  I suspect around £6,000 and he won't let me help pay it off." Why should you help pay it off? It's not your debt and he is an adult. And, it seems, a very capable one too. 

Do you really think you have a future together? He's hiding things from you and won't get on board with your plans. You are wanting to mother him, want him to do as you say, disloyally write about him on a forum full of strangers and insist that you wanna break free.

Something else that's a bit worrying is when you say "no wedding plans at moment not ready to take that step yet been burnt twice before." And again I'd ask, is it fair to keep your partner dangling on a string?

You need to sit down and have a think about what it is that you really DO want. And then when you've reached our decision, you can work out whether you can make a go of this relationship or not. If not, then you need to let go and definitely break free. If you think you can make a go of it then you need to try to find out, together, how to go forward with two points of view, not just one. But to be honest, from what you've said, I don't feel that either of you is committed to your relationship.

MalMonroe

Sorry I mean "And then when you've reached your decision" of course, not OUR decision. Ooops.  Also wanted to say Good Luck with whatever you do decide to do.  

Blackcats

Hello Lesleyhay - hello and welcome.
I didn't interpret your post in the way that Mal did.  If you are looking for hints and tips and support to improve financial habits, build up savings and share snippets of your challenges and successes then this is exactly the right place.  It's also a great way to be able to look back on your progress and to share things with a virtual community who cheer you on.  Often it's not so easy to talk about finances and life goals in real life.

good luck with your first £500 - I'm motivated by drawing a 100 square grid where each square represents £5 so you can colour in square by square as you head towards your target.  

See you again soon I hope

enthusiasticsaver

I would strongly urge you not to help your fiance repay debt especially as you have been burnt with debts from other partners previously.  It does not help him sort out his attitude to finances and the fact he wont talk to you about the debts would indicate for your own sanity you sort out your own and leave him to his. You cannot change someone with Aspbergers even high functioning but you can help him learn to manage it if he wants to.  It is tough to live with someone like that but presumably you are prepared for that. I would set yourself a savings target as that is your immediate priority but keep your finances separate.  

Jill12

Hello Lesley,

I would encourage you to save some money for your future at the moment as you have already completed the hard slog of paying off deb and secure your own future. Let your fiancée tackle his own finances and make sure he is paying for his own short comings. I would only be willing to help him once we were married but from what you write it does not sound if you should be considering marriage untill you are 100% sure this is the man you wan to spend the rest of your life with. I hope you find the guidance and support you need on this board x

Lesleyhay

@MalMonroe I think I may have given the wrong impression with my post (probably should have waited till I was awake to post and not half asleep)   
Yes I do want to break free but not from my partner more from the boring everyday plodding with no possibility of ever giving up work to get out and enjoy freedom. 

@enthusiasticsaver @Jill12 thanks for your kind words.

I have various workplace pensions but none of them amount to any considerable sum.  Note to self make an appointment to see a Financial Consultant and see if any of them are worth consolidating.

I have just re-activated my ISA that I started years ago but never really added anything to so that is going to start now.

I have planned out my budget to allow personnal spends( I have a separate bank account for that) as well as savings into specific pots for holidays, xmas and emergency fund.

I also need to come up with a way to make some extra income so I am going to tackle my material stash and get some bunting made that I can post on facebay for sale especially with the Jubilee coming up in June it will hopefully be quite popular.

Lesleyhay

Been a quiet few days.  Had a trip to L**l saturday for the weekly shop (paid for on OH's card) and really cut back the costs.
We try and meal plan to help keep the costs down and it also helps OH's aspergerus as he knows there is a plan in place, he likes things just so.

So this weeks menu is:-
Saturday  - OH lasagne, Me pizza  ended up with F&C at Mum and Dads so lasagne in freezer and pizza cooked and used for a lunch.
Sunday    -  Roast chicken, potatos, carrots and peas
Monday   -  Gammon, home made wedges and fried egg
Tuesday  -   Fajitas made with left over chicken, homemade seasoning, wraps from freezer and salad
Wednesday - SFC steaks that were part of freezer stash probably with oven chips and beans
Thursday  -  Jacket Potato, chilli (can) and baked beans, salad
Friday       -   Fish & Chips (out of freezer)

Remaining chicken was used in lunches. 

I think OH is coming round to thinking about what he spends (well some days anyway)

No monies moved around but do need to work out how to treat my Mum in a few weeks for her 80th birthday on a budget.  Have her main present already just would like a few extras to finish it off.  Thinking cap is on!!!!!