Living in the present for 2022

Hollie_Hobbie

Hi @makingmehappy

You've been through so much with looking after your parents.  One thing I would say is make sure that you look after yourself first and make sure you are fit and well, both physically and mentally - you need to be tip-top to be able to keep looking after them.

makingmehappy

Thank you @Hollie_Hobbie. Things are starting to settle down a bit, but I'm still stuck in emergency mode and can't seem to relax at all. You are so right about needing to look after myself, so I'm making that my focus for this week. I'm starting with a leisurely cup of tea in bed

makingmehappy

It's been quite a long time since I've updated my diary. Things have been and still are a bit fraught. My mother's showing some signs of dementia and my father's just not able to cope with anything. The carers have taken a bit of getting used to, but I'm glad for the extra help. I'm slowly accepting that it needs to be one day at a time and I'm very much living in the present at the moment.

I'm trying to turn my attention back to managing my money and clearing stuff out. Not the most exciting things, but it helps to feel a bit more in control.

So, today I'll be brave and face up to the disaster that is my finances after the last few months 

foxgloves

@makingmehappy - It's sad & difficult when our parents become elderly & progressively unable to cope due to illness & other issues. I remember it well with my Dad, whom I lost in 2017 & Mum barely a year later. Sorting out care for people who have always been independent is always tricky. 
Re your finances. Definitely try to have a look at them today if you can, especially if you haven't for a while, because even if the numbers are not looking good, you will at least feel better for getting back in control. 
F

doingitanyway

Hello @makemehappy it sounds as if you are doing well by your parents. Do take time to support yourself too.
How are things at work? How long are you off for?
Good point @foxgloves I always feel better for having faced my finances and gotten back into control.

makingmehappy

I didn't realise that it had been so long since I updated my diary. I draft it in my head all the time but don't get round to actually posting it 

Thank you @foxgloves, you have explained it so well, that's exactly how things are. I was/am always trying to sort a thing out and thinking let's just get through this and everything will be better, but the next thing just keeps coming out of left field. Sorry to hear about your parents.

Thank you @doingitanyway, I have until the end of the year to make a decision about work, so that gives me some breathing space. 

Okay, back to what I said 2 months ago that I was going to do - clear things out and face my finances 

makingmehappy

As usual, despite all best intentions, life has got in the way and I haven't updated for a month.

My mother is confused about the days and times, so is up and about in the night, and I've had a lot of sleepless nights which I'm definitely feeling the pain of much more than when I was younger. My own head just feels like mush. The GP told me to "have the talk" to parents (about moving into residential care). I've tried but it's not going down well and I'm filled with worry and doubts and guilt that I might be trying to push them into something just because it will make my life easier. 

In terms of my own finances, I am now receiving carers allowance and have put a pension into payment. This is just covering my usual bills for rent, utilities, broadband and phone etc. Money for actual spending for everything else - groceries, transport, gifts, everything else, is needing to come from savings and any extra MSE money I can bring in.


I've gone back to using cash and saving for future spends by cash stuffing in wallets. I've got a bit addicted to watching the budgeting videos on you tube, but I do actually feel more in control of my spending and money this way. I've just this month started using a proper budgeting notebook I bought ages ago, and it's really making me face up to what I'm spending and what I have left. 

On a positive note, it's not raining!

Topher

makingmehappy said:

As usual, despite all best intentions, life has got in the way and I haven't updated for a month.

My mother is confused about the days and times, so is up and about in the night, and I've had a lot of sleepless nights which I'm definitely feeling the pain of much more than when I was younger. My own head just feels like mush. The GP told me to "have the talk" to parents (about moving into residential care). I've tried but it's not going down well and I'm filled with worry and doubts and guilt that I might be trying to push them into something just because it will make my life easier. 

In terms of my own finances, I am now receiving carers allowance and have put a pension into payment. This is just covering my usual bills for rent, utilities, broadband and phone etc. Money for actual spending for everything else - groceries, transport, gifts, everything else, is needing to come from savings and any extra MSE money I can bring in.

comment:

Since entering the realm of caring for parents, I’ve had many discussions with people in the same position and have found that it is a difficult world of its own with no handbook.
If you have carer’s allowance I assume your parents already have Attendance allowance, for which they have had some level of assessment about their conditions? And that one parent’s obvious condition isn’t diverting attention from the other parent’s emerging condition? 
Do you have activated LPA for H&W and LPA for P&F? (Activated is very important and not at all evident as a secondary stage after being granted it - granted and further activated are two very different states). 
After these basic initial preparations, responses to how to go forward diverge - please don’t think you have to be forced into selling their property to pay for residential care. I got financial advice from someone who specialises in adult social care and recommend you do the same to find out specifically what applies your situation. 
In general getting Carer’s allowance as a daughter puts a lot of responsibility and time commitment on you and puts you all in a situation which works primarily to save tax payers money by using you and your time, energy, loyalty and guilt, not to mention diverting your attention from the things your parents might be entitled to. For example after an event / accident that put my mother in hospital, there was a duty of care for the hospital to only discharge Mum back to her home If she was going to be safe. The first approach was to try to guilt me into filling in the gaps, (move in with her or visit her twice a day (15 miles away) take responsibility for her medication, meals, safety in the home, showering & personal hygiene, continence, & take her to optician, dentist, doctor, continence clinic,). OR the hospital would have to be sure all of those functional aspects of Mum’s life were sorted in other ways (other than me) for a safe return to her home. 
It takes a certain amount of steel to stand your ground, and let the relevant agencies play their part. Thank goodness I did, I made sure I dedicated many hours and journeys to make sure I was present for everything and offered my insight, but didn’t step in and offer to do it myself. 

Carer’s allowance is (up to) £76. 65 for 35 hours per week  
Really?