Paying for an 'adult' child

p00

I'm posting this more for reference than advice to others.
My son has a daughter who is now 21. He has paid between £200 and £400 a month for donkeys years even though I did advise him to check last year if she was in education still. Bearing in mind he has seen her once in 18 years and that was in 2020 as her mother ruined any relationship they may have had . Some of the time his daughter lived with her auntie but he couldn't prove she wasn't actually getting the money but her mother was keeping it.
Anyway  her mother complained that she hadn't received the payment (£340) in June and my son was chased by the CSA or whatever they are called now. He didn't know why it hadn't gone from his bank.  He spoke to CSA and sent them a link to his daughters Facebook. They investigated and found she was working full time and not at UNI at all.
After the CSA investigated they sent my son a letter to say his payments would stop in September. He thought they meant THIS September BUT NO - SEPTEMBER 2018. So he paid for 3 years he didnt need to.
The CSA explanation was that as long as child benefit is being claimed they don't bother to check any claims. I don't know the rules for claiming child benefit I must admit.
There is no chance of getting the money back  according to the CSA unless he does a civil case. No point to that as she would end up paying £2 a week probably. He's going to ignore it now and move on. I sincerely hope the mother is investigated by the benefits office if she's claimed benefits when she shouldn't have done. Maybe the CSA are making excuses for their own incompetence.
Just do be aware that things like this do happen and its up to you to stay on top of it as the CSA wont.

p00 x

MalMonroe

I think this is really sad. That's your granddaughter you're talking about, no matter how you feel about her mother. The saddest sentence in your post has to be "He's going to ignore it now and move on." He's going to move on and ignore the fact that he has a daughter? 

It's just not clear why your son hasn't done everything in his power to make a relationship with his daughter. That's something that really can be achieved, no matter how difficult it is at the outset. I know because my husband left home when our daughter was small and although I'd have preferred it if he'd just disappeared, he was determined to have a relationship with her, in spite of me. Years later and a much more mature me realises that I was very wrong (as is your granddaughter's mother) and I'm so glad my daughter's dad made such gargantuan efforts to have a relationship with her. I know that she and I wouldn't have had such a close relationship if I'd tried to keep her away from her dad because I know now that it wasn't anything to do with me. He and I also had and have a much better relationship as a result. 

Even so, I did struggle to raise my child alone and was grateful for the maintenance he paid and which continued even after our daughter went to Uni. He has never begrudged her a penny. And I don't think your son should either. No matter whether her mother benefited or not. Your son brought a person into the world. It's not to late for him to try to reconnect with her as she's now an adult and not under her mother's thumb. In fact, my own daughter always made her feelings known. She wanted to see her dad and would have hated me had I tried to stop her. 

I really do feel sad for you as you only seem to be concerned about the money. You have a granddaughter out there, didn't you ever want a relationship with her? My daughter was my parents' only grandchild and they would have been devastated if they hadn't been able to see her regularly. My daughter benefited greatly from her relationship with them. 

In fact, it's a really sad situation altogether. You've all missed out - and I'm not talking about money here.

Spendless

I have a 21 year old child and an 18yo one. Though I am married to their Dad, I am aware from friends with children of similar ages it was a lot more difficult for unmarried fathers to have rights back then. The situation was different if you were married to your children's mother and then PR came about for children born after a certain date in the year my youngest was born.

https://www.gov.uk/parental-rights-responsibilities/who-has-parental-responsibility


Going back to your timeline about maintenance paid. It sounds like she finished yr11 around 2016. Then did 2 years of A level/College and from September 2018 was either working or at Uni. She could have started a degree in Sept 18 and graduated earlier this year, hence the now working full time.

What I can't work out is how Child Benefit has been continued to be paid until now. If in England (or I think Wales, unsure about rest of UK) then after yr11, there are 3 funded years of further education available. This allows kids to re-sit a year, change courses, have to pass a lower qualification first before being allowed onto a level 3/A level course, child benefit is paid whilst doing these but not once the child turns 20.

As mine have left each stage of their education (school/college) I have been contacted by the CB office and need to fill in the relevant details, including place of study and the course they are doing. I don't understand how someone has continued to claim CB after eligibility has stopped if that is what the CSA (or whatever they are now called ) is saying for their reason for your son continuing to pay. Maybe that is an angle your son wishes to persue with the CSA.   

p00

MalMonroe said:

I think this is really sad. That's your granddaughter you're talking about, no matter how you feel about her mother. The saddest sentence in your post has to be "He's going to ignore it now and move on." He's going to move on and ignore the fact that he has a daughter? 

It's just not clear why your son hasn't done everything in his power to make a relationship with his daughter. That's something that really can be achieved, no matter how difficult it is at the outset. I know because my husband left home when our daughter was small and although I'd have preferred it if he'd just disappeared, he was determined to have a relationship with her, in spite of me. Years later and a much more mature me realises that I was very wrong (as is your granddaughter's mother) and I'm so glad my daughter's dad made such gargantuan efforts to have a relationship with her. I know that she and I wouldn't have had such a close relationship if I'd tried to keep her away from her dad because I know now that it wasn't anything to do with me. He and I also had and have a much better relationship as a result. 

Even so, I did struggle to raise my child alone and was grateful for the maintenance he paid and which continued even after our daughter went to Uni. He has never begrudged her a penny. And I don't think your son should either. No matter whether her mother benefited or not. Your son brought a person into the world. It's not to late for him to try to reconnect with her as she's now an adult and not under her mother's thumb. In fact, my own daughter always made her feelings known. She wanted to see her dad and would have hated me had I tried to stop her. 

I really do feel sad for you as you only seem to be concerned about the money. You have a granddaughter out there, didn't you ever want a relationship with her? My daughter was my parents' only grandchild and they would have been devastated if they hadn't been able to see her regularly. My daughter benefited greatly from her relationship with them. 

In fact, it's a really sad situation altogether. You've all missed out - and I'm not talking about money here.

I think you assume and misunderstand. My son is ignoring the fact that he has overpaid 3 years when he didnt have to IE to be clear: not chasing after it being repaid.. NOT IGNORING HIS DAUGHTER. And the money went to the mother not his daughter. How do we know? Her auntie she lived with for a long time accused my son of never paying a penny for his daughter.
I have 9 grandchildren all as important as each other whether I see them or not. This granddaughter lives 100 miles away. I dont refer to her by name because I dont want it known by people who may know them.
Dont assume people only care about money when you dont know them. I am simply letting people know that these things happen and to be aware of it.
p00 x

WYSPECIAL

The CSA explanation was that as long as child benefit is being claimed they don't bother to check any claims. I don't know the rules for claiming child benefit I must admit.
There is no chance of getting the money back  according to the CSA unless he does a civil case. No point to that as she would end up paying £2 a week probably. He's going to ignore it now and move on. I sincerely hope the mother is investigated by the benefits office if she's claimed benefits when she shouldn't have done. Maybe the CSA are making excuses for their own incompetence.
Just do be aware that things like this do happen and its up to you to stay on top of it as the CSA wont.

The PWC was obliged to inform CSA of change of circumstances when child left FT non advanced education and it appears they failed to do so.

If he wishes to have the money back then he can claim it from CSA. They will attempt to recover it from the PWC but whether or not they are successful is their problem.