Dating post divorce ~ no 'umph'

Alias_Omega

Hey all, 

This is a post for those have walked the road of divorce and moved on in life. 

I am currently on the dating scene, plenty of people interested, but I am lacking the 'umph'; the drive to meet up week after week. The repetitive dance of getting to know someone new, for it to fail early on, smashing hope and all that. 

Instead, I find myself spending nights alone, maybe watching netflix on the sofa, out running, or gym classes.

Its been 2 years since separation, 1 year since divorce. I am happy to carry on the way I am, but...

I ask, when does this feeling end and I start wanting to put myself out there, 24/7, moving on in life?

Thanks all. 

MalMonroe

Hello.

I'm sorry to hear about your divorce because even when people want a divorce, it's still a big thing to come to terms with.

I divorced many years ago - unfaithful husband left me with our 9 year old child to raise. I never wanted to be a single parent but I didn't have any choice in the matter so just had to get on with things. Eventually. It was such a smack in the face though, as I didn't realise what was happening until the last minute. (Wife's always the last to know and all that . . . ) My ex is now married to his 4th wife, not the person he left me for. I think he's trying to equal Henry VIII and our daughter is wondering who her next stepmother is going to be. He may stop at four though, who knows?

Anyway, having been through it I just think that everyone has to recover at their own pace. Don't forget that 'experts' say that divorce is one of the most stressful life events and you do need to take time to adjust. No-one can really say how long it will take, as everyone's different.

At first I thought I had to get out there, get a new life, find someone new - my poor daughter had to spend many nights with her grandparents while I was having a busy whirl - which she told me later she actually enjoyed as my parents doted on her (only grandchild) and spoiled her to bits.

I joined all kinds of groups, enrolled at ballroom dancing, went out with other divorced and separated groups of people, went out on some dates and generally panicked like nobody's business. I met someone at ballroom dancing and he asked me out so we went out a few times but then he said he'd like to start getting serious and I froze. Couldn't do it. Then a married man I knew as a friend - or so I thought - asked me out for a meal as his wife and son were away. Naive, I was. He seemed to think I was going to be his substitute wife and when I said 'you're married!' he just said, 'well, she's not here right now'. And then, neither was I. 

I didn't find any 'umph' either because I realised later that I wasn't ready. I hadn't recovered from being dumped and then divorced. I had a child to take care of and my head was in a terrible place.

You said " I am happy to carry on the way I am" and that really is okay. Two years isn't long at all. Just try to be kind to yourself, treat yourself now and then, chat with friends, etc. You will get there.

I've done all kinds of things since my marriage ended, that I am sure I wouldn't have done. I went out to work full time to support us and then I went to study full time at University for a degree and graduated with a 2.1 BA hons. I made more friends than I'd ever had - strange how you seem to get bogged down when you're married - I did have friends but not as many as I made later. 

I never did find another partner but that's my own fault because I gave up trying and concentrated on raising my daughter and really couldn't bear the thought of someone else coming to live with us. 

But you are a different kettle of fish and you WILL start wanting to go out again and your social life will pick up but it seems that for now you are still in the recovery phase. Another relationship may pop up when you least expect it. In fact, that's how a lot of good relationships begin. You'll know when the time is right. Coronavirus is still around and it's putting a damper on things, even though things are improving. It doesn't seem quite as easy to get out and about to meet people. An ideal time to look after number 1. 

All the best   

tacpot12

It took me a couple of years to start dating again, but probably a good ten years before I was truly over my failed marriage. My current partner, on the other hand, seperated from her ex (that she wasn't married to but had had two children with) and met me after six months. We had a long distance relationship for at least five years before we decided we wanted to be and live together. I guess my point is that it takes different people different amounts of time, but it generally takes more than two years before you are ready to move on. 

The ending of a marriage can cause a very real grief as it often represents the ending of all ones hopes and dreams for your relationship with the person who was special enough that you wanted to marry them.

Hang in there, life is what happens while you are making other plans. 

MovingForwards

I set about creating a single life as my old one collapsed.  Planning what I would do, where I would move and also had over a year's wages of historical debt to contend with. I was ready to sell everything I owned and move abroad, instead I started chatting with someone I knew to see if there was the romantic spark from his side. The rest, as they say, is history and we've just celebrated 5 years together.

It's been 2 years for you, only those 2 years have not been normal ones.

Give yourself a break, enjoy the gym and Netflix, appreciate only being accountable to yourself. Build up a mixed bag of social events rather than feeling obliged to date and wait until there's a bit more normal going on. The weather is turning, evenings getting darker and I'm not surprised you've no umph. Read a book, learn something new, discover who you are.

When the time is right, you'll click and it won't be an effort, you will want to do it.

Jim80

I have just passed the 3 year mark myself and have to say that the dating game is awful. As a slightly podgy dad of 4 kids who live with me full time, trying to find a time when I could actually go out was tricky enough if I could even find someone to chat to not scared off by baggage of kids/recent divorce. Had a few gaps away from the scene over the year, went back a bit. Eventually started re-dating the very first person I spoke to coming up to about a year together. Its not concrete yet, but its got to the stage where I needed to stop over-thinking the situation, kinda like what you are doing , and just live a bit and see what happens. I had this expectation of being in a long marriage from a young age, that relationships should be solid and known and always perfect. Not sure I am over the pain of the past, however life does not stop just because I wish it to. Date when you feel ready, sit on the sofa and watch everything on Netflix (I do!) and if you feel like meeting someone don't think too much about what could go wrong, have fun in the moment and if it does not work, then there is always new shows on Netflix.

lincroft1710

From parting from ex to meeting current partner was 9 months with 1 short term relationship in between. Previous timespans have been around 12 months.

boxer234

Your not not moving on with your life because your single.  If you don’t want to date don’t.  There’s nothing wrong with being alone.  I divorced over two years ago and love being alone. 

tightauldgit

I'd say enjoy what you enjoy. If you want to date, then date. If you don't feel like it then don't. I'm 4 years divorced and had a nightmare of it the past few years and haven't found a new relationship yet but I'm enjoying being free, able to travel, able to do what I want, etc. Just do your thing and don't worry too much about whether it's the right thing or the wrong thing or whether you are fitting in with other people's expectations.

prowla

Since my separation & divorce I've never for a single minute missed being married.

I did spend a couple of years dating & meeting people, but I had a couple of liaisons which sort of put me off for a bit.

Then COVID came along.

I might venture out at some point again; who knows.

Marvel1

Not divorced, but single for many years and love it - no-one else to consider in any plans for anything.

KxMx

I'm very unhappy alone but dip in and out of online dating when I do/don't have enthusiasm for it. 

There is no way you should be feeling or a timeline you should be on.

Whatever works for you at that moment in time is the right path to be on.