What is my child doing? Right to know?

T4i

OK. So my daughter is now 16 and completed her GCSE.

I've not seen her for over 2 years now as she cut all contact when I got with my partner 3 years ago.

I have a private arrangement with daughter's mum for maintenance. This was in her favour as she is a benefit cheat.

My daughter also cut all contact with all my side of the family too. I presume so non of us knew what she is up to so I carry on paying as I don't know any different.

Am I legally allowed to know what she is doing with her life in terms of work/education? If so, where do I look?

tacpot12

Do you have parental responsibility? If you do, and while she is under 18, you have a right to be involved in major decisions that she my want to take such as getting married or joining the Army. Apart from that you don't have any rights, e.g. you are not entitled to know when she has stopped (or not started) going to college. 

You can ask the Child Maintenance Service to check if your daughter is still in full-time education (this usually means that they are at college for more than 12 hours a week), and you can supply any evidence that suggests that your daughter is working, e.g. Facebook profile and posts. 

My advice to you would be to plan on paying maintenance until the September after your daughter has turned 20, however if you are concerned about the cost of this, you might consider employing a firm of private detectives. They are allowed to surveil your daughter, and I would suggest that if they did so for a week during term-time, they could confirm whether she is attending college still, going to work, or just hanging out with friends. Given that she may be ill at any particular time, it may be necessary to repeat the surveilance. You will have to decide whether the cost of this outweights benefit of having some insight into her situation.

poppy12345

tacpot12 said:

My advice to you would be to plan on paying maintenance until the September after your daughter has turned 20,

Why? Even if a young person remains in full time non advanced education then child benefit only continues up until the day before the person's 20th birthday. This means the child maintenance also stops because once child benefit ends, they are no longer classed as a dependant.

poppy12345

T4i said:

I have a private arrangement with daughter's mum for maintenance. This was in her favour as she is a benefit cheat.

Do you have proof of this? Even if the mother is claiming a means tested benefit, child maintenance is disregarded so it makes no difference whether you pay £20 a week or £200 a week.

MalMonroe

I don't agree with this - "while she is under 18, you have a right to be involved in major decisions that she my want to take such as getting married or joining the Army." We're not living in the 1950s any more.

Your daughter may not yet have achieved the age of majority but sadly she has made it quite clear that she wants nothing to do with you or your family. If her mother had stipulated no contact, then that would be a completely different matter.

Neither do I agree with this "You can ask the Child Maintenance Service to check if your daughter is still in full-time education (this usually means that they are at college for more than 12 hours a week), and you can supply any evidence that suggests that your daughter is working, e.g. Facebook profile and posts."

That is just creepy, as well as being a total invasion of your daughter's privacy. If she wants you to know anything, she will contact you. I would definitely NEVER spy on her or try to find out what's happening, without her express permission. That will just alienate her for life as she's bound to find out. 

If you just go along with her wishes, she may come around when she's older and want to have a relationship with you - it sounds as if you would be amenable to that - but please don't go snooping. She will never trust or respect you.

It's a very sad situation. I have been in a similar situation except I was the ex-wife left with a daughter to raise when my husband went off with someone else. My daughter has always made her own decisions regarding whether or not to be in contact with her dad and although she's not always been happy with his life choices (he's now living overseas with his fourth wife) she has never wanted to cut him out of her life.

You may have to bide your time although it's not a satisfactory situation for you. However, although you are still paying for her, it's not about you. Do you want to stop paying? Don't you want your daughter to benefit from your input? Because this really is not about you but about your daughter. It really isn't easy to cut your own dad out of your life but she's still very young and may decide she wants to contact you later. But she definitely won't if you go behind her back trying to find out what she's up to. Raising children alone is not easy, no matter what you may think of your ex. But please do think of your daughter. She appears to be acting like a diva but she was obviously very hurt when you left - and she will grow out of it. 

ZaSa1418

Do you have a contact for you ex? If so contact her and tell her that as daughter is 16 and completed year 11 maintenance will stop unless she can provide you with evidence that daughter is still in education. 
Without snooping this will be the only way you can attempt to find out. If you don't have a contact for the ex just stop paying and see if she gets in touch either herself or via the CMS. 

Borders2017

Also make sure to report you ex wife to the benefit fraud helpline. No one should be allowed to defraud the system.

poppy12345

Borders2017 said:

Also make sure to report you ex wife to the benefit fraud helpline.

Why? OP said this.

T4i said:

I have a private arrangement with daughter's mum for maintenance. This was in her favour as she is a benefit cheat.

  As previously advised, child maintenance is disregarded for all means tested benefits so having a private arrangement doesn't make them a benefits cheat.