Money Moral Dilemma: Do I give a gift when it's a 'pretend' wedding?

MSE_Laura_F

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

I'm going to a family 'wedding' that has been years in the planning while the groom waited for his divorce to go through from his previous marriage. The couple have told the family he's now divorced and the wedding is going ahead, and they've asked for money as a wedding present. But I've found out that the divorce isn't through yet, so it won't be an official ceremony in law and is probably little more than a party in reality.

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74jax

I'm one of these people where if I'm invited round to a friends for a dinner party I'd take a bottle of wine, if I was invited to a bbq I'd take something too.

I'd definately take something to a party, regardless what it was. I don't 'do' cards, but I'd take something.

Equally though, if I was hosting 'something' i wouldn't mind in the slightest if friends came empty handed.

Everyone does their own thing.

I'm not well at the minute and a friend popped to check up on me for 5mins and brought a plant, maybe it's just me and my friends... 

Pollycat

Bit 'off' to lie to friends and family that he's divorced when he isn't.

Why would anyone do that?

I really don't like anyone asking for wedding presents.

It was different many years ago when couples got engaged, set a date for the wedding and lived at home until after the wedding, then set up home together.

Towels, irons, kettles were welcome gifts.

A lot of people nowadays seem to want money so they can spend it on a honeymoon.

As for the 'dilemma' - as long as the ceremony is the only 'do' they're having i.e. they are not going to have another one when the real ceremony takes place - I'd do what I usually do when invited to a wedding - buy a gift.

NBLondon

Have they said what the money is intended for?  A "honeymoon"?  Paying the costs of the divorce?  Who's footing the bill for the reception?  Do they know there's no legal ceremony?

To be honest - it might not matter that much to the guests/family whether there is the legal element or not.  If this is the celebration of the couple then treat is as such with the proviso that Pollycat offers - they don't get another go when the paperwork arrives in 18 months time.

thorsoak

For a "pretend" wedding- give a "pretend"present ....a beautifully wrapped empty box - with no gift tags!

HampshireH

I think it's very weird someone is having a wedding before they are divorced.

I think I'd give a card with a note saying your gift will be given when it's official

Torry_Quine

Thankfully I never have any weddings to be invited to so the problem never arises. 
I don't like being told what's accepted as a gift especially money. If someone asks what the recipient would like that's fine.

Grumpy_chap

Pollycat said:

A lot of people nowadays seem to want money so they can spend it on a honeymoon.

When this is the case, how do you set the amount?

Far easier when it is a thing as you can flex the spend to the "right" present.

Pollycat

Grumpy_chap said:

Pollycat said:

A lot of people nowadays seem to want money so they can spend it on a honeymoon.

When this is the case, how do you set the amount?

Far easier when it is a thing as you can flex the spend to the "right" present.

I've no idea how you set the amount.
I don't do 'money for wedding presents'.
It was just an observation.

Spendless

That's a tough one because the wording is as though you've found out but others are oblivious. Do the couple know that you know their secret.

I suppose it depends on what sort of gift giver you are. If you're a take something along to any occassion person and that would include if the couple were just hosting a party (as you've pointed out that is what this amounts to) then give something by all means. If you're more of a stickler for only giving wedding presents that are more formal and would only give x and not y at an actual wedding, then maybe don't and save it for an actual ceremony if one is going ahead at a later date. 

bikaga

Honestly, I'd just ask them rather than second-guess. Could be they had a date for the divorce and planned everything according to that, but it's been put back due to Covid - lots of official appointments have been in the last 18 months. If you're really bothered about it, just get in touch. It sounds like you've heard from a third party rather than them, so you can't even be 100% sure.