We really can't afford the house we want/need will things get better for us or just forget it?

Sunsaru

Tokmon said:

Sunsaru said:

Tokmon said:

mrsmortgage said:

Tokmon said:

Yes indeed!.

I have not idea why the title is asking if things will get better for when in 8 years time they know they will be able to get a job paying £70k+ and have £500k+ cash.

They also own a property abroad which if sold would give them enough money for the house they want/need.


There aren't any financial issues here it's all to do with family and personal "issues"

You're indeed correct that it is more personal  issues than anything else, but 8 years to me do feel like an eternity (as much as I know there's light at the end of the tunnel).  But ultimately we need this bigger house NOW and that's something that no matter what can't be changed, nor the possibility to afford it. 

To clarify, one flat is solely mine, and the other two are co-owned. (Family business and home, which will be dissolved at some point). 

The only reason that you said you won't sell the flat you own is because it will upset your mother. So your effectively choosing to keep your mother happy instead of choosing to make yourself happy by selling it and buying a bigger house.

You may choose to acknowledge this or not but there are some culture's where it is almost beaten into you at an early age that you respect your elders and you never go against your parents.... EVER.

If the OP's mum has said that then it might as well be law. Don't question it any further, it is what it is.

and no, I'm not being sarcastic. I come from a very similar upbringing.

Yes i realise that but it's very clear the OP here respects her mother far more than she respects her daughter so I'm giving my opinion on the situation.

Just because the culture is to respect all elders doesn't mean it's right.

mrsmortgage said:

Tokmon said:

mrsmortgage said:

Tokmon said:

Yes indeed!.

I have not idea why the title is asking if things will get better for when in 8 years time they know they will be able to get a job paying £70k+ and have £500k+ cash.

They also own a property abroad which if sold would give them enough money for the house they want/need.


There aren't any financial issues here it's all to do with family and personal "issues"

You're indeed correct that it is more personal  issues than anything else, but 8 years to me do feel like an eternity (as much as I know there's light at the end of the tunnel).  But ultimately we need this bigger house NOW and that's something that no matter what can't be changed, nor the possibility to afford it. 

To clarify, one flat is solely mine, and the other two are co-owned. (Family business and home, which will be dissolved at some point). 

The only reason that you said you won't sell the flat you own is because it will upset your mother. So your effectively choosing to keep your mother happy instead of choosing to make yourself happy by selling it and buying a bigger house.

It's not as easy as that. I won't go against my mother (and late uncle wishes). Ultimately (and it can be cultural) I owe the most respect to my mother / uncle etc... Also do I really want to get into a fight and not talking to my mother ever again? no thank you. I don't think any house is worth that.

My mum is staying under my daughter's captain's bed.

Yes the sellers are still hanging on, why wouldn't they? I'm still viewing one house on Thursday, and offering on the other one on Friday. 

You have explained how you need a bigger and better house for your own happiness and to improve your children's living situation.

If your mother would get into a fight with you and not talk to you again when your doing it for the right reasons then she is the one in the wrong and maybe doesn't deserve as much respect as you give her.
Why does your mother deserve so much respect when you she doesn't respect you enough to want you to be happy and your children to have a suitable home?

If your late uncle cared about your enough to leave you a flat then surely he would want you to use that flat to improve your life and happiness?

You just don't get it do you? Your biggest mistake in your responses is that you're getting emotive about it.

The repercussions of going against her mum's (or her uncles wishes) far out weight whatever is right or wrong. Period. It is final. You do not argue, no "yea buts" or "it's not right" you just don't. 

I forgot to add, it gets worse if money is involved 

mrsmortgage

Tokmon said:

mrsmortgage said:

Tokmon said:

You have explained how you need a bigger and better house for your own happiness and to improve your children's living situation.

If your mother would get into a fight with you and not talk to you again when your doing it for the right reasons then she is the one in the wrong and maybe doesn't deserve as much respect as you give her.
Why does your mother deserve so much respect when you she doesn't respect you enough to want you to be happy and your children to have a suitable home?

If your late uncle cared about your enough to leave you a flat then surely he would want you to use that flat to improve your life and happiness?

My mother hasn't seen this house, so I don't know what she'll think, but even then, I don't think I'd sell it, the rent (to us) is a fairly decent income and I might need that flat one day to buy my sister off the family home. 

I (as an adult) chose to marry a man with other children. I (also as an adult) chose to have another baby. That's why I think that ultimately I (as the adult who made those choices) be responsible for it. If ultimately that means sleeping in the living room, well so it goes. 

I also come from a culture were "children suck it up" , so definitely I wouldn't get any understanding from my mother. but ultimately, I don't hink the flat is worth selling, especially when one day in the not so distant future the family business will be sold. (I mean who know in the end, but at least I wouldn't have a fight with my family over it).

Ultimately then if you don't think the flat is worth selling anyway and you made the choice to marry and have another baby because it must have been the right one for you (or at least right at the time), then just be content and appreciate what you have and not keep thinking what you could do if "x" was different.

There no point in thinking that your just waiting for 8 years to go by and then you can be happy in your life. If you keep looking to the future then you will never be happy in the present. 

45 pages of this thread has shown there isn't much you can do currently so just be happy with what you have and what you can realistically afford now. Don't put too much hope into potential future events being the thing that will finally make you happy because that only leads to disappointment. 

I'm actually content with that (as much as I can be).... My only frustration left is living in Cornwall! (and trying to buy a house only reminded me of how much I don't like it). I go to therapy for ALL of that. After three years of underemployment, my current job ticks most of the boxes and I'm very happy in that regard. Sometimes I just need patience for the things I cannot change. (That 8 years in the future do look a lot happier as I'll finally be able to move away hooray!)  

GaleSF63

Tokmon said:

Ultimately then if you don't think the flat is worth selling anyway and you made the choice to marry and have another baby because it must have been the right one for you (or at least right at the time), then just be content and appreciate what you have and not keep thinking what you could do if "x" was different.

There no point in thinking that your just waiting for 8 years to go by and then you can be happy in your life. If you keep looking to the future then you will never be happy in the present. 

45 pages of this thread has shown there isn't much you can do currently so just be happy with what you have and what you can realistically afford now. Don't put too much hope into potential future events being the thing that will finally make you happy because that only leads to disappointment. 

All the way through this thread I've been reminded of a friend who went through her working life like this. Each place she lived she was always talking about the next place being the one, and it was if she was treading water till she moved and then things would be fine. Not till she retired did she start saying what a good move it was and how much she liked her house. But she's reiterated it so often, too often, so I wonder. Is she trying to convince me, herself, or is she really happy now? I don't know. Perhaps being unsettled is a personality thing and it doesn't go away. 

mrsmortgage

GaleSF63 said:

Tokmon said:

Ultimately then if you don't think the flat is worth selling anyway and you made the choice to marry and have another baby because it must have been the right one for you (or at least right at the time), then just be content and appreciate what you have and not keep thinking what you could do if "x" was different.

There no point in thinking that your just waiting for 8 years to go by and then you can be happy in your life. If you keep looking to the future then you will never be happy in the present. 

45 pages of this thread has shown there isn't much you can do currently so just be happy with what you have and what you can realistically afford now. Don't put too much hope into potential future events being the thing that will finally make you happy because that only leads to disappointment. 

All the way through this thread I've been reminded of a friend who went through her working life like this. Each place she lived she was always talking about the next place being the one, and it was if she was treading water till she moved and then things would be fine. Not till she retired did she start saying what a good move it was and how much she liked her house. But she's reiterated it so often, too often, so I wonder. Is she trying to convince me, herself, or is she really happy now? I don't know. Perhaps being unsettled is a personality thing and it doesn't go away. 

I was very happy in London though... And I really never wanted to from there. But that being said... I do have a nomadic nature. I've lived across the pond, France, Australia, and the UK has been my home for the past 12 years. I would definitely be happy in London (like I was) I had a community I belonged to, friends I would visit, concerts I could go to. My daily commute was something I always looked forward to. Country/seaside life is definitely not for me at all. 

Slinky

mrsmortgage said:

Tokmon said:

mrsmortgage said:

Tokmon said:

You have explained how you need a bigger and better house for your own happiness and to improve your children's living situation.

If your mother would get into a fight with you and not talk to you again when your doing it for the right reasons then she is the one in the wrong and maybe doesn't deserve as much respect as you give her.
Why does your mother deserve so much respect when you she doesn't respect you enough to want you to be happy and your children to have a suitable home?

If your late uncle cared about your enough to leave you a flat then surely he would want you to use that flat to improve your life and happiness?

My mother hasn't seen this house, so I don't know what she'll think, but even then, I don't think I'd sell it, the rent (to us) is a fairly decent income and I might need that flat one day to buy my sister off the family home. 

I (as an adult) chose to marry a man with other children. I (also as an adult) chose to have another baby. That's why I think that ultimately I (as the adult who made those choices) be responsible for it. If ultimately that means sleeping in the living room, well so it goes. 

I also come from a culture were "children suck it up" , so definitely I wouldn't get any understanding from my mother. but ultimately, I don't hink the flat is worth selling, especially when one day in the not so distant future the family business will be sold. (I mean who know in the end, but at least I wouldn't have a fight with my family over it).

Ultimately then if you don't think the flat is worth selling anyway and you made the choice to marry and have another baby because it must have been the right one for you (or at least right at the time), then just be content and appreciate what you have and not keep thinking what you could do if "x" was different.

There no point in thinking that your just waiting for 8 years to go by and then you can be happy in your life. If you keep looking to the future then you will never be happy in the present. 

45 pages of this thread has shown there isn't much you can do currently so just be happy with what you have and what you can realistically afford now. Don't put too much hope into potential future events being the thing that will finally make you happy because that only leads to disappointment. 

I'm actually content with that (as much as I can be).... My only frustration left is living in Cornwall! (and trying to buy a house only reminded me of how much I don't like it). I go to therapy for ALL of that. After three years of underemployment, my current job ticks most of the boxes and I'm very happy in that regard. Sometimes I just need patience for the things I cannot change. (That 8 years in the future do look a lot happier as I'll finally be able to move away hooray!)  

Take That 'Never Forget' 

"Someday soon this will all be someone else's dream"

purplebutterfly

mrsmortgage said:

I would definitely be happy in London (like I was) I had a community I belonged to, friends I would visit, concerts I could go to. My daily commute was something I always looked forward to. Country/seaside life is definitely not for me at all. 

You'll never find a house in Cornwall that you like.  What you want isn't a house, it's a specific community and way of life - and possibly a specific job.

You have mentioned that you have mental health issues.  As someone who also has them, might I suggest that what you want isn't a house, or even a location, but a return to a particular time of your life when things were different? 

Remember that humans often remember the past through rose tinted spectacles.  We remember feelings of youth, freedom - times when there was less stress because there was less debt or fewer children or more time.  It's not the house that held those feelings, it's the time period and you'll never get that back.   Even if you do go back to London, you can't guarantee things will be the same as they were.

You say you used to enjoy your commute and now you work from home. Do you feel isolated and trapped not being able to go out to an office full of people to chat to? 

 You repeatedly talk about being "underemployed"  (a word I had never heard before, despite having worked in recruitment) and I wonder if you felt more personally fulfilled by your old job?  Was it more challenging and stimulating? 


 I would suggest you reframe things in your mind and stop using the word "underemployed" as it is clear that you equate personal value with professional success. 
 Think of it as  just "employed" and remember that there are people with incredible skills and qualifications who are happy to stack shelves in Aldi because a job is a job. 


Perhaps the need for things and people to occupy your time is what you are craving.  Could you look at volunteering nearby or getting more involved in local activities and groups?  

mrsmortgage

@purplebutterfly I'm really surprised you've never heard of the term underemployment, it's commonly used... https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Underemployment even in my mother tongue it's quite common "sub-empleo" . If there's something that I've learned of so many years of therapy, is that it doesn't really matter what other people are going through, my feelings are still very much valid. 

I didn't get an LSE degree just to stack shelves, that would definitely lead me to consider my life choices... And I was a receptionist and a KP! (I actually enjoyed being a KP!) 

But you're right, no house is going to make me happy in Cornwall, because Cornwall doesn't make me happy, it just brought misery to me. I can't leave, so I'm happy with what I've got. I'm very much capable of compartmentalising my feelings/thiughts in that way. Before this whole "let's look for another house" I was in a slightly different mental state.

It's very hard for me to be so isolates, to have no friends, nor family no matter how  hard I try. I have my religious congregation and they're the closes to both. 

I don't see London with rose tinted glasses as professionally yes I was very happy, but I was very unhappy in many other ways, my job and what came with it were a means to escape that too. 

As someone who has had jobs that are jobs that doesn't really apply to everyone.  

purplebutterfly

mrsmortgage said:

@purplebutterfly I'm really surprised you've never heard of the term underemployment, it's commonly used... https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Underemployment even in my mother tongue it's quite common "sub-empleo" . If there's something that I've learned of so many years of therapy, is that it doesn't really matter what other people are going through, my feelings are still very much valid. 

I didn't get an LSE degree just to stack shelves, that would definitely lead me to consider my life choices... And I was a receptionist and a KP! (I actually enjoyed being a KP!) 

It's very hard for me to be so isolates, to have no friends, nor family no matter how  hard I try. I have my religious congregation and they're the closes to both. 

I'm not saying your feelings aren't valid - of course they are.  I was simply suggesting that it might make you feel better not to have your own self-worth dependant on your occupation.  Although I realise that there are some complex cultural issues at play that I have no knowledge of. 

I have a BA, Masters degree and would have completed a PhD had I not become ill, so I do understand how it feels to be qualified for something and unable to do it.  I just took the first job that came along which paid the bills!   Perhaps it was easier for me to accept because I had no choice.  

It's very sad that you feel so isolated.  Again, it's not something I understand as my husband and prefer to exist in a bubble most of the time.  I also love my seaside life as there's nothing like a walk along the beach with a brisk wind to make you feel alive. 

 I can't imagine how hard it must be for you and I really hope you manage to find a compromise between London and Cornwall somehow.   

mrsmortgage

Thank you @purplebutterfly. That was a very kind reply. I think it's very hard for people to understand where in coming from as Cornwall is seen as such an "idyllic" place. I'm most certainly not a beach person, when I lived in Australia, I lived in a sea side town, it was actually a lot closer to what I would call a perfect beach... I think in the whole year I lived there, I only went to the beach maybe 6 times? Most of the time I was in Sydney, I think that really showed my priorities. I think of Cornwall was closer to more "stuff" I wouldn't mind it so much but everything is at least 3 hours away.

The things that bring me happiness are irrelevant of location. Definitely this location doesn't account to any of my happiness at all. (Which also explains why I desperately need holidays I need to escape from there at least a couple of weeks a year!) 

I'm in a much better place now though, my job is great, pay is a lot more decent and that does open some doors  

Ramouth

I really think you should should consider moving away from Truro.  It really isn’t a good place socially.  So many people commute into the city to work it is weirdly dead in the evenings.  

Falmouth might suit you better - there is loads more going on and it is somewhat more multicultural.  Falmouth is likely to be too expensive to get the size you need and I know you ruled out Penryn as being too small but I would suggest you reconsider.   It is affordable, only a couple of miles walk / quick bus / train journey into Falmouth and also has trains to Truro every 30 min.  There is a nice community atmosphere and lots to get involved with if you want to.  Penryn primary school doesn’t have the best reputation but you can apply to one of the Falmouth schools or Flushing if you prefer and the secondary has an excellent reputation.  

8 years is a long time to live somewhere you dislike so much and Truro really isn’t the only option.