Changing my child's surnname

dreamer7

Hello,
I wonder if any one can help me. I have applied via court order to change my daughters surname. I feel like a fish out of water if I'm honest and anxious as it's brought up a lot of past feelings from my daughters father. I've sent the papers off and now it's a waiting game. I'm expecting it to take a while due to the pandemic but does anyone know what the next steps are?

Many thanks in advance

TBagpuss

Why are you looking to change it? I assume that you have applied for a Specific Issue Order? If so, then once the application is processed the court will write to you with a date for the first appointment, and probably for Cafcass to carry out basic safeguarding checks. Timescales can vary depending on busy your local court is but they normally try to list the first appointment within 6 weeks of processing the paperwork.
I assume, since you are applying to court, that your child's father has parental responsibility and hasn't agreed to a name change. You do need to be aware that in those circumstances, court's tend to be unwilling to permit a change, unless there are very good reasons for it . Examples of good reasons might include cases where the current name is both identifiable and notorious (e.g if the father has been convicted of a very high profile crime, and the name is unusual enough to associate the child with him and his conviction) 
Not having contact, or wanting the child to have the same name as you / younger half-siblings are not usually good enough reasons, if the application is opposed.(a request to change to a double-barrelled surname, e.g. yourname-hisname may be more likely to be allowed, as it enables the child to have a link with both parents (and any silings/half siblings, without losing the link to their birth father. 
As with any other application, a court is allowed to take into account the child's own wishes and feeling, and of course once she is 16 she can change her name herself, as long as she has permission from at least 1 parent or guardian.

dreamer7

Thank you for your feedback it's very much appreciated!
The reason for the change is for my daughter to have an identity with her family. From your comments it may not be likely but I have to try for my daughter.
Just a bit of background. I split with my daughter's father a couple of months after her birth. It was an abusive relationship but as soon as my daughter was born I knew that I had to get out of it. My daughter is now 6. Up until 2 years ago he was a part of my daughters life as I believe (and still do) that both parents are responsible. 2 years ago there was an incident whilst my daughter was with her father (he also has 2 other daughters that he no longer has access to) from this day I advised him that I would stop access. From that day he hasn't done anything to ensure that my daughter is safe to be in his care. The only action he's done is stopped maintenance which was never consistent any way. There have been many incidents, whilst I was pregnant the police and social services were involved. 
Yes it's a specific issue order I have done. 
My daughter's surname has never been an issue for myself (of course I wish I was stronger on that day at the registry office) but I always felt that hopefully one day she would marry. It's only since she has started school where she is learning about her own identity that she doesn't understand why she's different to me, her brother and her step dad (I am now married). I try to explain it as best i can and when she says her name but using my surname I just try to pretend I didn't here. She is known by her real fathers surname. Obviously only being 6 I haven't told her that I am doing this because I don't want to disappoint her.
Filling in the form was so difficult for me, it brought back some terrible feelings and if I'm completely honestly I would carry on as we are but I know I have to do this because it's what's best for my daughter.
I think if the courts decline then she can be known with my surname but it won't be on passports, nhs etc is that right? Or like you say I could go double barrel which I would be happy to do.

TBagpuss

Strictly speaking you need the agreement of the father, or permission from the court to have her known by another name 9even if it isn't official) or to change to make it double-barrelled - what I am saying is that a court might be more willing to allow it if you requested double-barrelled than a straight change.

Another option would be for you change you own name to go double barrelled - that way you would share her name rather than her changing to your husband's name, and you don't need anyone else's permission or agreement to change your own name. If you are not comfortable using his name you could consider whether to revert to your own original name - this wouldn't be the same as your daughter but it would mean that you have several different names within the family, rather than three of you having one name, and her being different, so she would not feel left out in the same way

It's very common today to have different names within one family so you can also explain that to her - I'm sure that she has friends / classmates whose names aren't the same as other members of their families, 

You and your husband could also think of other ways to reassure her - I know a family who had a naming day for their new baby but combined it with a ceremony of their own for the step-dad and step-daughter - basically him promising her that he would treat her as his own child and all three of them talking about being part of one family. It was in part because the step-child had her bio-dad's name and the parents had each kept their own name, the new baby was going to have both their names, and as she didn't have either name she was anxious - it was all about making a special day for her and explicitly  saying, to her and the families friends and relatives, that he saw her as as much part of his family as the new baby. 

RAS

dreamer7

I can understand why you might want to change your daughter's name but in my work life I encountered multiple cases where name changes have caused people problems when they applied to courses, jobs and things like passports and CRB checks.

The minute a birth certificate doesn't match exam certificates, current name etc, the applicant has to start explaining why. Which can be excruciatingly embarrassing. Some professional bodies insist that registration is in the full name on the birth certificate unless there is documented evidence supporting a name change (including a marriage certificate but that can cause problems for someone who is separated but not divorced). 

Some have done a deedpoll to resolve the issue, others chose to revert to their birth name having used the name of their mother's partners for years. 

If you can't get court approval, I think TBagpuss' suggestions are good. And are you in contact with the parent's of your ex's other relationships? Having half sisters on the other side of the family might make your daughter feel that her relationship with your husband and her brother is more normal? 

dreamer7

I appreciate your comments and the different ways of approaching it.
I know it's very common for families these days to have different surnames which is why I've never thought of changing really until my daughter discussed it with us.
In the nicest possible way I couldn't have his surname in my name.
My daughter has 2 sisters which we have a relationship with. One is 16 and one is 1 (from different mothers) I try to reassure her that her eldest daughter has the same name as her but the truth is she is known by her mothers name and the youngest sister took her mothers name on the birth certificate.
My daughter is always reassured that she is in our unit no matter what and that she has a her real fathers name because that's how it goes as he helped to create her. When we got married it really was a family marriage and my daughter had a ring to match mine and my husband promised to always be there for her. We had a welcome to the world party for my son, now 3. My daughter wrote the invites and really was a celebration of us. So if this doesn't go the way we hope, she is a part of us always.

dreamer7

Hi RAS
That's interesting thank you for that. I guess that's the case where they are 'known as' rather than going through officially with deedpoll or courts? It's not ideal I see.
I had my real fathers name on my birth certificate but my mom remarried when I was 8, I then took my step-dad's surname (although I class him as my real dad) he tried to adopt me but I was an award of court. A whole other kettle of fish! Hence why I want to do this right as there was confusion for me as to how they did it. Although I'm very happy they did. It would just be nice to have a certificate or something ha.
Yes so we have a relationship with her sisters, we try to meet up as much as we can as it's important to us they have a relationship. The youngest sister has down syndrome so I feel it's important we are part of her life and we can support her mom too. As mentioned above the eldest sister is known by her mothers name but hasn't had it officially changed and the youngest has her mothers name.

I appreciate the feedback!

gizmo111

I changed both my daughter's names by deed poll when I remarried, they were 7 and 9.  Their father consented to this so there was  no problem with it, previously they had been known as my maiden name at school as I changed back to my maiden name on divorce and they wanted to be the same as me - their father kind of objected through his parents but nothing officially.  Has he been notified of the application to the court - or do you not know where he is?

Swoosh84

My birth certificate had my mothers name on it but I used my fathers name 'unofficially' from a very young age. Never had any trouble with it, NI number, bank accounts, drivers license ect were all in my unofficial name.

The only time I hit a blocker was when I was getting married but at which point I was able to change it myself 26 years after I was born

J

dreamer7

Thank you both, I appreciate hearing your stories.

gizmo111 - I am unsure of his where-abouts now, I believe he has another partner now that he lives with (it's tragically a jeremy kyle situation). I have his mothers address though that I put on the order. His ex partner who I'm in contact with explained that he had been recorded? (not sure that's the right word) at his moms address and I have a mobile number.
I wish that it was that smooth for me. He would never agree with it because unfortunately he only thinks of himself.

swoosh84 - that's really interesting. I think things are different now. It was 1989 when my folks changed my name, there's no record, deedpoll. Their answer was 'we just changed it!' ha. I even made lots of phone calls to figure it out but they said 'what ever is on your passport, that is who you are!' funny. I haven't surprisingly had any blocker throughout with uni, or marriage?!

I'll see what the outcome of the order is, it's not sounding promising, crazy that someone who doesn't care one little bit about his children has so much power (still). 

Shelldean

I changed my daughter's name twice!
Both times by deed poll, I did have her father permission both times.
She now at 28, has a folder kept safely very safely, which contains her birth certificate, and two original deed polls. I also have an identical folder. This precaution was because the solicitor stated at the time of her name changes if we lost the deed poll certificate it couldn't be replaced, so we've been extra cautious.

The difference in my case is her father agreed. So didn't need court.

She's had no trouble applying for things, we just use the folder. It was used for secondary school, sixth form, university and various jobs.
She also has had several DBS certificates over the years and as part of her job holds an enhanced DBS.

She's just about to change her name again. Due to her own marriage, so will be on her fourth and hopefully final surname!!