Child refsuing to come - does additional maintenance need paying.

leanne83

Hi all
My partners son is 14 and has recently stopped visiting, (it was Weds evening into Thursday evening, followed by all day Saturday and all day Sunday into Monday morning) - his choice to stop coming! My partner still turns up every week to pick his sister up and he refuses to come, he waits outside every time to see if he changes his mind but he doesn't. Now his ex wife is demanding more money than what she currently gets(she's more interested in money than trying to sort things with her child and his dad)... Can she do this?, its his choice not to come and my partner is there waiting ....... Where does he stand ?

ZaSa1418

How long has he not been coming for?  Does he give reasons why he does not want to come? 
Technically if this terms into a long term thing of him not coming then yes she will be entitled to more maintenance.
Do they use the CMS? 

leanne83

ZaSa1418 said:

How long has he not been coming for?  Does he give reasons why he does not want to come? 
Technically if this terms into a long term thing of him not coming then yes she will be entitled to more maintenance.
Do they use the CMS? 

2 months now, he says its because he doesn't like me (I'm the evil stepmom obviously)... he doesn't talk to my kids either or reply to his dads texts, so its not just me. Unfortunately he's a mommy's boy and she holds his balls! So anything she says is gospel. Unfortunately she's bitter and jealous because she cheated and he's done better than her since their divorce, she cant compete so tries to hit him where it hurts - his kids and his wallet. No they dont use CMS, they just sort it themselves.

riotlady

leanne83 said:

ZaSa1418 said:

How long has he not been coming for?  Does he give reasons why he does not want to come? 
Technically if this terms into a long term thing of him not coming then yes she will be entitled to more maintenance.
Do they use the CMS? 

2 months now, he says its because he doesn't like me (I'm the evil stepmom obviously)... he doesn't talk to my kids either or reply to his dads texts, so its not just me. Unfortunately he's a mommy's boy and she holds his balls! So anything she says is gospel. Unfortunately she's bitter and jealous because she cheated and he's done better than her since their divorce, she cant compete so tries to hit him where it hurts - his kids and his wallet. No they dont use CMS, they just sort it themselves.

If that's the way you talk about a 14 year old child I can see why he might be a bit uncomfortable around you 

ZaSa1418

leanne83 said:

ZaSa1418 said:

How long has he not been coming for?  Does he give reasons why he does not want to come? 
Technically if this terms into a long term thing of him not coming then yes she will be entitled to more maintenance.
Do they use the CMS? 

2 months now, he says its because he doesn't like me (I'm the evil stepmom obviously)... he doesn't talk to my kids either or reply to his dads texts, so its not just me. Unfortunately he's a mommy's boy and she holds his balls! So anything she says is gospel. Unfortunately she's bitter and jealous because she cheated and he's done better than her since their divorce, she cant compete so tries to hit him where it hurts - his kids and his wallet. No they dont use CMS, they just sort it themselves.

Okay, so technically she could be due more maintenance but if she doesn't go through the cms then your partner would have to agree. Get him to look at the calculator and work it all out and go from there.
In regards to the contact get your partner to call him and say he wants to speak to him and try and sort things out. He could offer to take him out just the 2 of them and see what happens to that offer as technically he shouldn't say no to that as 'evil stepmum' isnt there. 

leanne83

ZaSa1418 said:

leanne83 said:

ZaSa1418 said:

How long has he not been coming for?  Does he give reasons why he does not want to come? 
Technically if this terms into a long term thing of him not coming then yes she will be entitled to more maintenance.
Do they use the CMS? 

2 months now, he says its because he doesn't like me (I'm the evil stepmom obviously)... he doesn't talk to my kids either or reply to his dads texts, so its not just me. Unfortunately he's a mommy's boy and she holds his balls! So anything she says is gospel. Unfortunately she's bitter and jealous because she cheated and he's done better than her since their divorce, she cant compete so tries to hit him where it hurts - his kids and his wallet. No they dont use CMS, they just sort it themselves.

Okay, so technically she could be due more maintenance but if she doesn't go through the cms then your partner would have to agree. Get him to look at the calculator and work it all out and go from there.
In regards to the contact get your partner to call him and say he wants to speak to him and try and sort things out. He could offer to take him out just the 2 of them and see what happens to that offer as technically he shouldn't say no to that as 'evil stepmum' isnt there. 

Thanks and he's tried all that. Since being together we've always done our own things with our own kids as well as as a family (well used too) as we wanted to show them that the new partner didn't always have to be there. He has done so much to try to stabilise the relationship with both his kids, but as soon as they have fun at our house, his ex slams us and the kids for doing so, slags off what we do and always tells us and them that we haven't spent enough money on them - in my world a snuggly day in, baking or a day at the park is quality time - not throwing money at them.  She only still sends her daughter as she cannot cope with her as she's naughty, otherwise she would turn her against him to, she tells her how horrible we are and how our house is boring and that daddy doesn't buy her enough, unfortunately she is starting to show traits of her mother with regards to materialistic things. I'm sure he will sort it in time.

ZaSa1418

leanne83 said:

ZaSa1418 said:

leanne83 said:

ZaSa1418 said:

How long has he not been coming for?  Does he give reasons why he does not want to come? 
Technically if this terms into a long term thing of him not coming then yes she will be entitled to more maintenance.
Do they use the CMS? 

2 months now, he says its because he doesn't like me (I'm the evil stepmom obviously)... he doesn't talk to my kids either or reply to his dads texts, so its not just me. Unfortunately he's a mommy's boy and she holds his balls! So anything she says is gospel. Unfortunately she's bitter and jealous because she cheated and he's done better than her since their divorce, she cant compete so tries to hit him where it hurts - his kids and his wallet. No they dont use CMS, they just sort it themselves.

Okay, so technically she could be due more maintenance but if she doesn't go through the cms then your partner would have to agree. Get him to look at the calculator and work it all out and go from there.
In regards to the contact get your partner to call him and say he wants to speak to him and try and sort things out. He could offer to take him out just the 2 of them and see what happens to that offer as technically he shouldn't say no to that as 'evil stepmum' isnt there. 

Thanks and he's tried all that. Since being together we've always done our own things with our own kids as well as as a family (well used too) as we wanted to show them that the new partner didn't always have to be there. He has done so much to try to stabilise the relationship with both his kids, but as soon as they have fun at our house, his ex slams us and the kids for doing so, slags off what we do and always tells us and them that we haven't spent enough money on them - in my world a snuggly day in, baking or a day at the park is quality time - not throwing money at them.  She only still sends her daughter as she cannot cope with her as she's naughty, otherwise she would turn her against him to, she tells her how horrible we are and how our house is boring and that daddy doesn't buy her enough, unfortunately she is starting to show traits of her mother with regards to materialistic things. I'm sure he will sort it in time.

That is sad, hopefully it will get better in time.
As for the maintenance tell her no and let her go to the CMS if she doesn't like it. Does he base the maintenance off that calculator or does he pay more etc? 

leanne83

ZaSa1418 said:

leanne83 said:

ZaSa1418 said:

leanne83 said:

ZaSa1418 said:

How long has he not been coming for?  Does he give reasons why he does not want to come? 
Technically if this terms into a long term thing of him not coming then yes she will be entitled to more maintenance.
Do they use the CMS? 

2 months now, he says its because he doesn't like me (I'm the evil stepmom obviously)... he doesn't talk to my kids either or reply to his dads texts, so its not just me. Unfortunately he's a mommy's boy and she holds his balls! So anything she says is gospel. Unfortunately she's bitter and jealous because she cheated and he's done better than her since their divorce, she cant compete so tries to hit him where it hurts - his kids and his wallet. No they dont use CMS, they just sort it themselves.

Okay, so technically she could be due more maintenance but if she doesn't go through the cms then your partner would have to agree. Get him to look at the calculator and work it all out and go from there.
In regards to the contact get your partner to call him and say he wants to speak to him and try and sort things out. He could offer to take him out just the 2 of them and see what happens to that offer as technically he shouldn't say no to that as 'evil stepmum' isnt there. 

Thanks and he's tried all that. Since being together we've always done our own things with our own kids as well as as a family (well used too) as we wanted to show them that the new partner didn't always have to be there. He has done so much to try to stabilise the relationship with both his kids, but as soon as they have fun at our house, his ex slams us and the kids for doing so, slags off what we do and always tells us and them that we haven't spent enough money on them - in my world a snuggly day in, baking or a day at the park is quality time - not throwing money at them.  She only still sends her daughter as she cannot cope with her as she's naughty, otherwise she would turn her against him to, she tells her how horrible we are and how our house is boring and that daddy doesn't buy her enough, unfortunately she is starting to show traits of her mother with regards to materialistic things. I'm sure he will sort it in time.

That is sad, hopefully it will get better in time.
As for the maintenance tell her no and let her go to the CMS if she doesn't like it. Does he base the maintenance off that calculator or does he pay more etc? 

He did work it out on the online calculator, but does pay a  bit more. He requested that she has them one weekend a month recently (as he has had them 51 weekends out of 52 for years, from 10,.30am Sat Morning until Monday Morning). This was based on his kids saying they missed there mom at weekends and his daughter having to see a behavioural therapist and this was the therapists advice -   and the first thing his ex said was ''you'll have to pay me more money then'' - Her kids missing her and advice from a professional clearly wasn't enough of a motivator to have her kids one weekend a month. 

ZaSa1418

leanne83 said:

ZaSa1418 said:

leanne83 said:

ZaSa1418 said:

leanne83 said:

ZaSa1418 said:

How long has he not been coming for?  Does he give reasons why he does not want to come? 
Technically if this terms into a long term thing of him not coming then yes she will be entitled to more maintenance.
Do they use the CMS? 

2 months now, he says its because he doesn't like me (I'm the evil stepmom obviously)... he doesn't talk to my kids either or reply to his dads texts, so its not just me. Unfortunately he's a mommy's boy and she holds his balls! So anything she says is gospel. Unfortunately she's bitter and jealous because she cheated and he's done better than her since their divorce, she cant compete so tries to hit him where it hurts - his kids and his wallet. No they dont use CMS, they just sort it themselves.

Okay, so technically she could be due more maintenance but if she doesn't go through the cms then your partner would have to agree. Get him to look at the calculator and work it all out and go from there.
In regards to the contact get your partner to call him and say he wants to speak to him and try and sort things out. He could offer to take him out just the 2 of them and see what happens to that offer as technically he shouldn't say no to that as 'evil stepmum' isnt there. 

Thanks and he's tried all that. Since being together we've always done our own things with our own kids as well as as a family (well used too) as we wanted to show them that the new partner didn't always have to be there. He has done so much to try to stabilise the relationship with both his kids, but as soon as they have fun at our house, his ex slams us and the kids for doing so, slags off what we do and always tells us and them that we haven't spent enough money on them - in my world a snuggly day in, baking or a day at the park is quality time - not throwing money at them.  She only still sends her daughter as she cannot cope with her as she's naughty, otherwise she would turn her against him to, she tells her how horrible we are and how our house is boring and that daddy doesn't buy her enough, unfortunately she is starting to show traits of her mother with regards to materialistic things. I'm sure he will sort it in time.

That is sad, hopefully it will get better in time.
As for the maintenance tell her no and let her go to the CMS if she doesn't like it. Does he base the maintenance off that calculator or does he pay more etc? 

He did work it out on the online calculator, but does pay a  bit more. He requested that she has them one weekend a month recently (as he has had them 51 weekends out of 52 for years, from 10,.30am Sat Morning until Monday Morning). This was based on his kids saying they missed there mom at weekends and his daughter having to see a behavioural therapist and this was the therapists advice -   and the first thing his ex said was ''you'll have to pay me more money then'' - Her kids missing her and advice from a professional clearly wasn't enough of a motivator to have her kids one weekend a month. 

If he pays a bit more then just ignore her requests, if she really doesn't like it then she can go CMS.

MalMonroe

He's 14. A teenager, of course he doesn't want to come. It's not fair of you to slag him off and say he's controlled by his mother. He's controlled by his hormones, he's probably just as disagreeable with her. 

If there is no official arrangement about money I don't see how your partner's ex can get any more out of your partner. She can ask for more but it doesn't mean she will get it. 

You'll have to leave this lad to come around in his own time, which he will. 14 is a difficult and strange age and it's nothing personal to any of you. Also his life will have been turned upside down when his parents split up. Try to understand things from his point of view. People always say that children are resilient and adapt to change but that is just not true. Teenagers are immature and they are starting to want more independence. Let this boy have some. If he doesn't want to come, he doesn't have to. Has he actually told you that he doesn't like you? Or is that just gossip? 

All the adults in this scenario need to grow up and start acting like adults.

If your partner cannot afford to give his ex any more money then he has to tell her so. And she has to stop being so demanding. I've been in her position, it isn't nice having to fund your children as a single parent. If she is asking for more money, believe me, it's for her children and not because she's being greedy or awkward. You have no idea how she feels. The fact that your ex's daughter has to see a behavioural therapist should be a red light for you all.  She's obviously been deeply affected by her parents' split. And his son is too but obviously never talks to anyone about it.

All the aggression that's happening between your two households is petty and isn't helping anyone. Understanding is what's needed here, not sarcasm and vitriol.

*their mom, not there.

leanne83

I'm not slagging him off, I'm stating fact - his mom has said many times ''he is a mommy's boy and nothing will change that, you will never have a relationship with him like i have'' (that's too his dad btw way, not me)
I have been in his position, not only as a child myself with parents separating when i was 7 but also as a divorcee with an ex husband so know exactly how all parties are feeling. Its not about whether my partner can afford it or not, its the principal that she thinks because he's being a stroppy teenager that my partner should pay more - and believe me the money is not for the children, its for her lavish weekends away and holidays to places like Disney Land Paris with her boyfriend whilst she leaves her kids elsewhere - but that's another story!
Their daughter is naughty as she seeks attention off her mom as gets dumped left right and centre with anyone that will have her on the days she's not with her dad. Hence her dad paying for a professional to help her out.
I was hoping to come on here for a bit of legal advice minus the ins and outs of their lives - Please don't worry about replying unless you have something constructive to say regarding any legal aspects of my original post. 

Thanks