Why have I done this again...

Verysillywoman93

Hello, please can someone give me advice, I need to get this off of my chest as it is eating away at me.

I've got into debt again... I am so stupid, I am so level headed with almost everything but let myself get into debt with nothing to show for it.

Back in 2018 I confessed to my hubby about debt that I had racked up totalling around £6500. I've never been great with money and in my late teens would spend money for fun and was always late paying my phone bill etc. I was very young and stupid and at the time didn't really care (I really do care now and honestly wish that instead of some pointless school subjects they should really teach pupils about real financial situations and impacts) I was earning a full time wage and wasn't actually in debt. When I first starting dating my hubby we were living at home, I then became pregnant around a year later but due to my previous issues not paying mobile contracts on time we couldn't get a mortgage ( my hubby is very good with money and has thousands saved up) because of this we had to rent, hubby wasn't happy about this and really made me feel bad about it, I ended up footing most of the bills as he was mad about us wasting money on renting. I paid out although I couldn't really afford it as was on mat pay and this is where my debt started racking up going from one credit card to £6500 4 years later. In 2015 we managed to get a mortgage with ybs. I also found out I was pregnant and carried on using credit Cards, this then turned in to using loans as I couldn't afford the repayments but hubby was a very hard person to talk to about money. Me and hubby are in a much better position now and I can now talk to him more and he pays the bills whilst I pay our mortgage it is basically a 50 50 split.

Back in 2018 we made a payment plan and he paid off my debt using his savings and I pay him back. I have 1 more year of payments and then all is paid back from that debt. I am actually quite proud of how quickly I have paid it off as I do only work part time to look after the children. 

My hubby said if I ever did this again he would leave me.. I've done it again

I always knew I wasnt great with money but I honestly don't know why I've done it again and why I'd be so stupid! 

It all started at the end of 2018 when my phone broke, I bought one off of ebay and went to check out, a banner came up offering me PayPal credit for 12 months interest free, because I work part time and could do with the spare money I opted in thinking it would be fine and I'll pay it off earlier. The phone was £100 however they gave me a 250 limit. I didn't use it for a bit but then started dabbling in that. I then went to buy an item off of studio and again went to checkout they offered me free delivery and so much off of my first order if I opened up an account so I did it and ended up ordering on that. Then I needed to order something from very same happened there and the same again with Argos. I keep kidding myself that I won't spend on them and before I know it I've reached my maximum limit. I didn't want hubby finding out that I had done it again so consolidated the credit accounts that would send statements through the post and got an online loan so I could close them accounts. I also have a bit of a nasty habit of gambling mostly football bets. I can go months without a bet then as soon as I do one I'm hundreds down and I don't know why I don't stop. I overpay out mortgage every month and have built up a decent overpayment amount but I haven't paid it for the last two months which has eaten into my overpayment amount which hubby doesnt know about. 

I honestly feel like I am two people. I know what I've done is wrong but I just can't seem to help myself. 

I have lovely home, family and hubby is a changed man. He was very angry before and I honestly created the first debt to try to keep him happy. He honestly is a changed man and is helpful and kind now so I don't know why I've done it again. I have no reason for I this time. 

I've worked it out and it is around £3500. I've stopped borrowing and blocked myself from gambling sites. Ive reduced my bills as much as possible and I am quite comfortable paying the debts off but I just feel so awful about it all and I'm really disappointed in myself. I cannot tell my husband as I fear it will be the end and I couldn't do that to my children. I am a good mum and wife but I am completely crap with money. I am good at giving advice to people but don't seem to follow my own advice. 

I really appreciate anyone reading this. I am only 27 but have the weight of the world on my shoulders

Kakiste

He doesn't sound like a very good husband. Especially the bit where you had to pay most of the bills whilst on maternity leave as a 'punishment' for renting..... that's not normal within a relationship. 
I accrued most of my debt whilst on maternity as well- it sucks but £3,500 is a relatively small amount. I would stop gambling completely, commit to not using store cards and then look at how to best pay off your debts. Could you increase your working hours temporarily to have more income available for debt repayment? 

ryanm8655

I have to agree with the above.

I assume he earns much more than you do?

It sounds like the reason you’re in debt is because of an unfair split in terms of living expenses. How can you be expected to pay the mortgage while on a part time wage due to looking after the children? And making you pay more as a punishment is just messed up and counterintuitive.

Who pays for food/things for the kids etc. I’m assuming you aren’t given money by him for this?

Maybe I’m just weird but when I’ve lived with my partner the bills etc. Have been split on the basis of income (which meant I paid more) in the interests of fairness and that was without them having to take time off to look after my kids.

Well done for confronting the debt before it spirals anymore. Good move on blocking yourself from gambling sites, perhaps you need to address why you were on them in the first place? Boredom? Unhappiness? Stress? 

Singlespeeder

" wish that instead of some pointless school subjects they should really teach pupils about real financial situations and impacts"
Been saying this for a while now. I'm old , we had Home Economics ... mistitled tbh... it was cookery... You are taught absolutely nothing about Home Economics at school, no meter reading, budgetting, the pitfalls of oh too easily available credit, pensions, mortgages vs renting, food shopping it's not a surprise so many people end up in a mess.!

tacpot12

Well done for taking positive steps. This shows that you are improving a bit. By taking these positive steps now while the debts are relatively small you have given yourself the best chance of dealing with them. You are young, which means you have time on your side to recover the situation, and by making your mistakes early, you stand a better chance of a prosperous middle age. 

If you focus on clearing your debts, you will clear them. This should be your target. Once the debt are clear, you need to pre-prioritise you spending. You need to start saving some money, both for your retirement, but also for emergencies and all the other things that need replacing in a household; furniture, appliances, boilers etc. As your debt approaches zero don't see this as a sign to start spending again, but as a sign you can start saving. Set yourself some targets, e.g. to save £20 per month to an emergency fund and at least £100 per month (as couple) of household expenses. You will feel more relaxed when you can have money in an account and not feel the need to spend it. If you do feel the need, think about what is driving that need.

Keep up the good work. You are improving. Most importantly you want to get better at this, so you will. 

enthusiasticsaver

Thankfully the amount of debt is relatively small so hopefully you can deal with this easily.  The gambling and mindless spending is more common with some people than others and I honestly do think (unpopular though this may be) that if you have the type of impulsive personality that does things like this then putting safeguards in place is the only way you will sort this for good at least in the short term.  So blocking gambling sites is good, cutting up credit cards and dealing only with a debit card and no overdraft so you have to  think before every spend as to whether there is money in the account is sensible to avoid this happening again. Stop going on ebay.  Stop looking at catalogues and taking out store cards when you know you will be tempted to spend on them. Make it a rule that all future spending is planned and budgeted for. 

In this day and age with phone apps etc it is easy for most of us to keep track of our money so  doing a budget and sticking to it at least until the debt is repaid would be wise. Checking your balance often is good to keep you focused. As tacpot says rewiring your brain to move towards saving rather than spending will make life a lot easier for you and you will feel less guilty.  

Communication is crucial when you are in a relationship as your actions re your finances affect your partner too.  As you have seen this can have an impact on future plans and your relationship.  There is another thread on here tonight about a husband who looked after finances and was in heavy debt and the wife was annoyed with him for not telling her and letting her continue spending. It is a similar scenario to you and your husband.  Your husband is not innocent in all this.  He let you pay the bills on a part time reduced income because he was cross at not being able to get a mortgage.  He must have known you were getting further into debt but chose to let you carry on sabotaging yourself.  Family finances should be both partners responsibility whether they are kept separate or joint. Not paying your mortgage can have serious repercussions so if you are not  able to pay it then you need to talk to him about the distribution of bills and mortgage costs. Yes if he finds out you have got back into debt he may well be cross but it will be much worse if he finds out through a late mortgage payment letter etc. As you say luckily you have been overpaying but it might have been better to sort out the debt rather than doing this as the interest rates on that are probably much higher than your mortgage. 

I agree that finances should be taught in school as although we taught  our daughters how to manage money  from their early teens not everyone is able or wants to do that so having a backup plan is good.  I am not sure though that teachers are any better qualified to teach personal finance than anyone else though. The calculations about APRs etc would go above most kids heads but compound interest is what has led many on here into debt spirals.   I think there should be more discussions about peoples relationship with money and why some want to spend it before it even hits the account and actually look on credit card limits and overdraft limits as an invitation to spend.  Drawing up a budget is an essential life skill which should be taught to  teenagers but as in most things some will get it immediately and others will have to make mistakes and learn from them.  I think often the problem is that budgeting, saving up for things rather than buying them instantly, spreadsheets and being disciplined with money is seen as boring and generally people do not want to be seen to be that person. I would say  in general if people are stable financially although that will not make them happy by itself it at least means they are not stressing about their finances. You are only 27 so you can turn this around. 

HummingBird76

Your husband may be a "changed man" now, but it was his unreasonable and immature behaviour that led you into debt the first time. And why is the split now 50/50 when you only work part time and clearly earn less?

It's good that you have acknowledged you have a problem, but you absolutely have to talk to your husband about this. He should surely be understanding given how he acted in the past..

[Deleted User]

I don’t see how you can avoid talking to your husband about this. He is going to find out sooner or later when he realises the mortgage isn’t being over paid. It’s better he finds out sooner and that it comes from you. 

It’s not just your debt that you need to discuss with him but the split of the household expenses as the current arrangement clearly isn’t working. 

zcrat41

A man who makes you repay debt on a p/t wage whilst looking after his kids and paying 50% of the bills is not a changed man. He's taking you for a ride. You haven't been innocent in this but from what you've written I'd call him a bit of a snake. 

The woman going p/t should not impinge on her as financially badly as it has you.