Daughter has got us in debt!

Sammyjay137

Hi,
   This is an awkward one. My daughter suffers with Bipolar and other Mental Health illnesses . She has got myself, and my step-father in numerous debts. She had been allowed to do online shopping, using my dads credit card, in the past, and has paid him back, but has been using it on online shopping, without him knowing, and this month alone was for £337, which she cannot pay, and neither can my dad. The cards have been cancelled now. She has been going through psychosis for a while. She asked both myself and my dad, to take in parcels for her, at our homes, which we did, and signed for, our names were on the parcels, but we thought it was due to it being sent to our addresses! She has taken out 7 mobile phone contracts, in OUR NAMES and Addresses but has put her bank details down for the payments. As she has failed to pay, there are now debts on the accounts, and my dads Credit Card limit has been reduced from £4000 to £400. He has never been in debt in 84yrs! We will not attempt to report her to the police, as she has 3 beautiful children, that need their mummy, and cannot be put into care as my dad is 84, and I am disabled, and we are all they have. Can anyone please help us? Thank You

tacpot12

She and you need to pay off your father's credit card. If this leaves you both short of cash, so be it.
You and he need to talk to the mobile phone company. Don't say that she committed fraud (which she did) otherwise you will get nowhere with them. Act as through you are the customer and say that you have changed your mind and want out of the contract. They might let you return the phones, if you act quickly and if the boxes have not been opened. If they won't let you out of the contract, sell the phones on eBay for as much as you can get, and use the payment to make the contractual payments for the phones. She, you and your Dad will have to pay for what she has contracted to pay if you don't want county court judgments and bailiffs to remove your belongings.  
If she has sold the phones already or won't give you them back, you are just going to have to pay more. 

Smashingitnow

I just wondered...this is obviously a horrible situation for you and I can imagine there has been a lot more leading up to this to cope with and it's been a worry for you for a long time, so I don't want to speak out of turn...but the one thing you don't seem to consider is holding her accountable. Other people with mental health issues don't have someone to bail them out always, and sometimes people learn through facing up to reality. You don't mention what her source of income is, what this goes on, any ability she has to repay this. I know you don't want the children to suffer, but that doesn't mean she can't repay this. I appreciate things are difficult for her and she struggles with practicalities more than most, but she still will have known that this is wrong. I do mean this helpfully and am sorry if it reads in any other way.

Smashingitnow

Also, her children will not be put in care solely because she has a debt issue from what I know.

sourcrates

Hello,

Please disregard the above advice, it may have been given with the best intentions, but its not the way to deal with this.

First you need to determine the scale of her spending, find out exactly how many accounts have been opened in other peoples names, its not fraud when someone with mental health issues, such as biploar, do such things, fraud is an intentional act, if your bipolar you lack capacity to understand what it is your doing during an episode, and usually you will be treated as a victim, rather than an accomplice.

You need to write to all the creditors concerned, and explain what has happened, make sure you address your letters to the "mental health awareness team" but before you do that, have a look at the National Debtline factsheet on "Debts and mental health", the link is here -

https://www.nationaldebtline.org/EW/factsheets/Pages/debt-and-mental-health/mental-health.aspx

You may also want to give them a ring for more tailored advice, they are a free to use service, they are not tied to any particular brand or company, so are not here to sell you anything, any advice given is truely independant, i would strongly urge you to speak to them before you do anythng else

It may seem like a big mess right now, but there is not much that can`t be fixed by talking to the right people.

However it may not be easy to always get through to the right people, so don`t expect this to be a quick fix.

Sammyjay137

Smashingitnow said:

Also, her children will not be put in care solely because she has a debt issue from what I know.

I was referring to the fact that if she received a prison sentence for the fraud.

Sammyjay137

. 

tacpot12 said:

She and you need to pay off your father's credit card. If this leaves you both short of cash, so be it.
You and he need to talk to the mobile phone company. Don't say that she committed fraud (which she did) otherwise you will get nowhere with them. Act as through you are the customer and say that you have changed your mind and want out of the contract. They might let you return the phones, if you act quickly and if the boxes have not been opened. If they won't let you out of the contract, sell the phones on eBay for as much as you can get, and use the payment to make the contractual payments for the phones. She, you and your Dad will have to pay for what she has contracted to pay if you don't want county court judgments and bailiffs to remove your belongings.  
If she has sold the phones already or won't give you them back, you are just going to have to pay more. 

Smashingitnow said:

I just wondered...this is obviously a horrible situation for you and I can imagine there has been a lot more leading up to this to cope with and it's been a worry for you for a long time, so I don't want to speak out of turn...but the one thing you don't seem to consider is holding her accountable. Other people with mental health issues don't have someone to bail them out always, and sometimes people learn through facing up to reality. You don't mention what her source of income is, what this goes on, any ability she has to repay this. I know you don't want the children to suffer, but that doesn't mean she can't repay this. I appreciate things are difficult for her and she struggles with practicalities more than most, but she still will have known that this is wrong. I do mean this helpfully and am sorry if it reads in any other way.
We definately hold her accountable, and have a strained relationship, which is sad. I understand you feel she is getting bailed out, she isn't, we are trying to stop the debt collectors coming to our homes. 

sourcrates said:

Hello,

Please disregard the above advice, it may have been given with the best intentions, but its not the way to deal with this.

First you need to determine the scale of her spending, find out exactly how many accounts have been opened in other peoples names, its not fraud when someone with mental health issues, such as biploar, do such things, fraud is an intentional act, if your bipolar you lack capacity to understand what it is your doing during an episode, and usually you will be treated as a victim, rather than an accomplice.

You need to write to all the creditors concerned, and explain what has happened, make sure you address your letters to the "mental health awareness team" but before you do that, have a look at the National Debtline factsheet on "Debts and mental health", the link is here -

https://www.nationaldebtline.org/EW/factsheets/Pages/debt-and-mental-health/mental-health.aspx

You may also want to give them a ring for more tailored advice, they are a free to use service, they are not tied to any particular brand or company, so are not here to sell you anything, any advice given is truely independant, i would strongly urge you to speak to them before you do anythng else

It may seem like a big mess right now, but there is not much that can`t be fixed by talking to the right people.

However it may not be easy to always get through to the right people, so don`t expect this to be a quick fix.

THANK YOU so very much. I understand others thoughts on this, and do not expect people who haven't got a child/relative with severe mental health, to understand how debilitating it is, for all people close to them. I feel let down, angry, hurt, and petrified as to what the outcome of all this will be, but, I brought her into this world, and would never turn my back on her. Whislt I find it hard to look at her sometimes, because of what she has done, that goes in an instant, when she is having a melt down, due to the guilt she feels, or like now with the psychosis, along with the effects Covid has had on the Mental health teams input, I happily sit all night with her, while she struggles to cope with just being alive! I think people think Bipolar is just up and down mood swings, if only! Thank you x