Bankruptcy & Marriage- help! 14 July at 8:13PM in Bankruptcy & Living With It 9 replies 379 views

flowergirl86

Hi all,

Not looking for any judgment just some advice from you lovely people. 

Following a bad break up 4 years ago I had to declare bankruptcy. I have since been discharged and counting down the next 2 years until it falls off my credit report. 

I am engaged to a lovely human and we are due to marry in Winter 2021. He does not know about my financial history - I am ashamed of it and have never been able to tell him.... here’s the thing.... he’s a solicitor. So pretty straight laced and sensible.

My question Is..... is he ALLOWED to marry somebody who has been bankrupt? We don’t plan to get a house together for another couple of years and we are saving so it will be off my credit record by then. I’m worried by marrying me he may damage his career

please help!! 

flowergirl86

Also- I will be telling him soon about my financial history..., just when I’m ready. Would like my information straight in my
head first! 

Fumblebee

I’m sure someone more knowledgeable will reply but I didn’t want to read and run because it seems like you are in a tough situation.
i think you should tell him, you’re probably overthinking it or assuming that he would judge but everyone goes through tough times. I’d assume he’d find out when you go to buy a house anyway. If he loves you he will be understanding and glad that you are being honest with him.

Good luck 😊

flowergirl86

Thanks so much Fumblebee- it’s keeping me awake at night 

MalMonroe

Congratulations, you have recovered from bankruptcy and it appears that you are ready to start afresh. BUT one thing I have to say is please never be ashamed of yourself or your financial history. There are so many other people who have been through the same, or similar. I'm one of them, and had a DRO a few years ago. But I spoke to a debt adviser who was so positive and supportive and said (because I was ashamed, as you still are) that people end up in debt for many different reasons and most of them are not their own fault. If people are judgemental, you know they are the ones to avoid. 

Your fiance is free to marry whoever he likes, surely? The fact that you have been bankrupt in the past shouldn't affect anything to do with him, or his career. I'm glad you say you're going to tell him about your financial past because relationships where there are secrets never last. If he loves you, he will be sorry he wasn't there to support you through your bad times. If he isn't supportive then at least you'll know before you marry. I wish you all the very best, you sound like you deserve it - put the past behind you and look towards the future with your lovely solicitor! 

Socajam

My advice to you is to tell him now, instead of waiting for another week, month or year.
If that was me and you waited until the last minute to drop this on me, or if I were to find out through other means, it would make me  wonder what else are you keeping secret - that's just human nature.
You fiance in a profession where honesty and integrity are extremely aspects of his job.
Say for example, you get married, did not mention your bankruptcy, he goes for a job that requires extensive background searches that involves both of you and it comes up that you were bankrupt before marriage, but he knew nothing about - how do you think he would feel?
It's best to get this off your chest, explain to him what happened with your bad breakup, how you got yourself in a financial mess which led to you eventually having to file for bankruptcy.   Trust me you will feel a lot better getting this monkey off your back.

MovingForwards

As long as you have no financial links, so no joint accounts, no joint utility bills etc there is no connection between you. Especially while the bankruptcy is waiting to drop off.

None of the firm's I worked in asked if partners / spouses had financial issues, it was always just the staff they were concerned with as that could be at odds with their indemnity insurance. So you are free to marry, that being said I never made it to partner in any firm so don't know how far the firm would want to go before offering it, if that's what he is aiming for long-term.

Having got that side out the way. You really should speak with him and let him know you had issues before, but have learned from that previous time in your life.

You cannot hide it and need to be aware some mortgage lenders will never lend to someone who was bankrupt, regardless of how many years ago it was.

I was in debt when first dating my partner, I didn't want any secrets, but he also knew I was in a DMP then self-managing it. I had answers for questions he didn't even ask, but he knew why it happened and how it would never happen again (ex-husband, divorce and new life).
He has clear credit history, I obviously don't and won't for a few more years yet. It never stopped him proposing to me on our 3rd date, never stopped us celebrating each time a debt was paid and we are still together and approaching our 4th year. We've yet to celebrate me getting a mortgage and the move to our home.

Socajam

MovingForwards said:

As long as you have no financial links, so no joint accounts, no joint utility bills etc there is no connection between you. Especially while the bankruptcy is waiting to drop off.

None of the firm's I worked in asked if partners / spouses had financial issues, it was always just the staff they were concerned with as that could be at odds with their indemnity insurance. So you are free to marry, that being said I never made it to partner in any firm so don't know how far the firm would want to go before offering it, if that's what he is aiming for long-term.

Having got that side out the way. You really should speak with him and let him know you had issues before, but have learned from that previous time in your life.

You cannot hide it and need to be aware some mortgage lenders will never lend to someone who was bankrupt, regardless of how many years ago it was.

I was in debt when first dating my partner, I didn't want any secrets, but he also knew I was in a DMP then self-managing it. I had answers for questions he didn't even ask, but he knew why it happened and how it would never happen again (ex-husband, divorce and new life).
He has clear credit history, I obviously don't and won't for a few more years yet. It never stopped him proposing to me on our 3rd date, never stopped us celebrating each time a debt was paid and we are still together and approaching our 4th year. We've yet to celebrate me getting a mortgage and the move to our home.

They may not have asked, but this is something that may come up, no one knows
It's better to have this out in the open, than for the fiance to found out about it and hinder future plans they may have.

MEM62

flowergirl86 said:

it’s keeping me awake at night 

Deception of any sort in a relationship is likely to do that.  Do the right thing - tell him, get it off your chest and enjoy a good nights sleep.  

flowergirl86

Thanks to all of you for your comments- I know you’re right. I know I have to tell him. I feel like I’ve let him down completely but it’s the right thing to do.