One income family of four - can we get ahead even after pay cuts?

Sarahwithlove

Sounds like a good compromise work wise. And sounds like she will enjoy the interaction with others. You'll still be able to spend time with her in afternoons and at weekends as well. You never know it might even get extended after the year and if not then like you said you'll have the experience again by then. 

Bluegreen143

@Sarahwithlove I think you’re right. I must admit I had a real wobble last night and cried my eyes out. I’m finding it hard to actually visualise myself leaving Bambi with someone four days a week. Red is really on the fence about it which has surprised me as I thought he’d be delighted. He says it needs to be my decision and he will support me either way but if he’s honest he’s more like 45% for me taking it/55% against because he thinks we have a really good thing going just now. But the reality is that me not working isn’t on the table once the kids are in school - he would want me to get some kind of work then - and if I don’t take this opportunity now it will be much more difficult in 2/3 years time. 

joedenise

Bluegreen143 said:

@Sarahwithlove I think you’re right. I must admit I had a real wobble last night and cried my eyes out. I’m finding it hard to actually visualise myself leaving Bambi with someone four days a week. Red is really on the fence about it which has surprised me as I thought he’d be delighted. He says it needs to be my decision and he will support me either way but if he’s honest he’s more like 45% for me taking it/55% against because he thinks we have a really good thing going just now. But the reality is that me not working isn’t on the table once the kids are in school - he would want me to get some kind of work then - and if I don’t take this opportunity now it will be much more difficult in 2/3 years time. 

I think your last sentence which I've highlighted says it all really!  If you know you will have to go back in 2/3 years it definitely makes sense to take this opportunity.  

I know you say that Red says he will support you whatever you decide but I think you need to make it clear that he will have to help with things like housework and cooking in order for it to work out.

It sounds as though Bambi will enjoy being at a childminders and it will probably do her good particularly as it's not possible for interaction in parks etc at the moment.

Sarahwithlove

All you can do is make the most of the time you will have together and remember that you will have 3 days where you can do what you want together and those days will come to mean so much more. Also if you decide in a years time that you don't want to keep going with 4 says you'll have the experience on your CV to find another role again. You might not be as lucky in 2 to 3 years to have someone who is willing to take a gamble on you. Plus tbh I always think its good for kids to go to nursery or childminders some days anyway to give them that socialisation with others and help improve their learning. 

rugbymadfamily

Hi @Blue_green, been a long time lurked and don't think i have posted before. But well done on the job offer and good to think through it all, but try not to overthink it!

@joedenise makes a really good point, Red is now fully used to you being at home and doing the majority of the household roles but that needs redefining so that chores get more evenly distributed if you're now working 4 days a week. Make sure you get that discussion in early so the assumption isnt that things continue as they are at home whilst you also now have a job outside the home!

Bluegreen143

I’m actually really lucky in that respect - Red loves to cook and does a hell of a lot of housework for a man with a wife who doesn’t work. He’s been on furlough a lot of the last year and very much pulled his weight so I’m not worried about that. He’s also OK if we want to try having a cleaner (which pretty much all my working mum friends have). I’d prefer to try without to start as it’s all extra money we could save but good to know it’s on the table. I’m not concerned about the distribution of work in the house as we’ve always made it work pretty fairly. Actually when I first moved in with Red he did almost all the housework as I was fresh from a student flat and rather messy 🙈 in some ways there will be less work as the kids being at home all the time means there is constant mess to tidy up from toys, art projects etc. I think I’ll probably just designate one weekend morning a week that we both pitch in/involve the kids and get things like the bathroom etc done. I do think that because I’m part time and working from home it’ll default to me if the kids are off sick or whatever, but in fairness I could then work around them - Red can’t work from home. I did point out that as I’ll be earning a similar salary to him then he could afford to drop a day a week if he wanted a daddy day with the kids but he’s not that keen 😆

This morning we’ve discussed getting my MIL involved which would make a big difference to me. Thinking we’d pick her up on a Sunday, give her her Sunday roast dinner and then she’d watch Bambi here on Mondays. This would mean only three days using a childminder eg cutting childcare costs 1/4 plus Bambi having an extra day at home and bonding with Grandma. So that’s made me feel much better about it. I’ve agreed to do 4x six hour days essentially but been told as long as the work gets done there’s flexibility. So if I had a childminder covering 3 of those days, and say MIL even just covered the morning the other day I could just fit the other three hours or so of work into the evenings. This would mean I have 1.5 days off with the kids instead of 1. Monkey would be at nursery in the mornings so I’d have a morning just with Bambi each week for mummy-daughter time then two afternoons with both of them. Depends whether she really meant what she said re flexibility! But we could start on that premise and I could increase the childcare time if it’s not working out. 

Until lockdown ends I’ll be muddling through a bit anyway as Monkey’s nursery is shut, but my friend who is a childminder thinks she could take them two days and if MIL does one then I’ve got three days covered. The manager assures me they are all working in chaos as nobody has childcare obviously so this wouldn’t be an issue to start with.

MagicCat

That's such great news about the job @Bluegreen143, congratulations! It's really nice they've agreed to the 4 shorter days, and such a lovely compliment to be asked to take the job, particularly how things are at the moment with jobs.

It sounds a really good plan to get MIL involved with childcare, nice for both her and Bambi.

I do understand your worries about leaving her though. My DD is a similar age, when I went back to work after mat leave the plan was for my mum to look after her on my work days, at least until she was older for nursery. This was fine for about a month until Covid and lockdown - after some difficult juggling we got her into nursery. I was so worried, and felt terrible, but she has absolutely loved it. She's very sociable and with playgroups etc all shut it's been really nice for her. It is hard, but I suspect you'll find the same with a childminder. Wishing you all the best with your plans.

Also, if it really doesn't work out for you, you can always stop, if you don't give it a go you'll always wonder.

Bluegreen143

Thanks @MagicCat - so nice to hear from you! Hope you are all well?

Yes, I think you’re right. While my son was a more clingy toddler, my daughter is actually very independent, outgoing and sociable too. When Monkey was this age we had a great routine - breakfast & housework in the morning, getting out until lunch (weekly shopping & errands one day, 1-2 playgroups a week and the other couple of days we would do park/walk, often with friends, when it was nice and museum/soft play/swimming when not). Then usually a chilled out afternoon at home and in the garden or maybe having a friend for a playdate. It felt a nice balance between being busy but also lots of downtime. Now, with everything being shut and Bambi not enjoying being outdoors in the cold, it’s all downtime with no plans and when Monkey is at nursery it does feel like we just do endless housework and reading stories 😆 so I think if she was at a childminders three days and a day with MIL it would possibly benefit her, particularly as it’s quite a short day if I’m picking her up at 3.30 or so - hopefully will avoid that overtiredness you get from toddlers who’ve had a busy day!

Sarahwithlove

I think I would work on basis of mother in law being needed all day just in case the flexibility isn't there as much as you hoped. Easier to have her for full day and not need her then to not have her and then need her to and not be able to. Same with childminder depending which one you decide to do half day with. You may also be grateful for a half day to get jobs done without Bambi or red there tbh. I'd see how it goes and adjust as needed. 

Bluegreen143

Starting to firm up plans though still a lot of uncertainty - I won’t have an official job offer next week as I need to have what my old manager has called a “very informal light touch” interview with her next week where we can both discuss the role and working arrangements in detail. If we are both happy after that & she sends me an offer then I’ll know my start date etc. But she seems happy enough with the hours I’ve suggested which is 4x six hours.

I have contacted Monkey’s nursery to confirm they are OK to extend his hours if I do take it. They’ve said that as soon as lockdown ends and they reopen they are happy to accommodate my needs. They shut at 3.30pm I think but a 3pm finish has already been discussed so that’s fine. But there’s no issue me increasing his hours to four days 8-3 (and he’ll go in the morning on the fifth day, which will be my day off).

Red is going to ask his mum if she is happy to a) help out in the short term if I start before lockdown ends and b) happy to do one day a week, probably Monday so she can come for her Sunday roast and then stay over. She’ll just have Bambi as Monkey will be at nursery and I’ll be working from home so available if there’s any issues. Hoping she agrees as it does cut the costs. I think you’re right @Sarahwithlove and if she wants to do it I’ll just ask her to cover the full day til 3. 

I’ll need a childminder for Bambi for the other three working days (Monkey’s nursery doesn’t take kids til age 3 so she can’t go there) and I did text our old childminder to ask but she has no space at the moment. However I think she is temporarily taking on kids whose nurseries are closed as she said actually when lockdown ends she may then have space. I’ll continue to look elsewhere but told her to get in touch if she finds that does happen. It would have been nice as we had a great experience using her a few years ago but she’s in the opposite direction to Monkey’s nursery so maybe we will find someone closer.