Faced my debts, now how to stay motivated to pay them off??

GardenFlutterby

Hi everyone,
As you can probably tell, I'm very new here and am asking that you be gentle with me!
Yesterday, I spent the day sorting out my debts, and after lurking on the forum for a while, used the soa and snowball calculator to see when I could become debt free....my date is 35 months away. I have read a few threads on here over the last few days, and I know that this is a relatively short time span in the grand scheme of things, but to me it is huge. It has taken alot for me to admit that I have absolutely zero staying power when it comes to money - I will try to save, talk myself into needing something and spend it, or I will chip away at my credit card, see that I have 'x' amount available, and go on a shopping spree  I tried a few years ago to pay off my debts, but it lasted about two months, which has then resulted in me promising every month that I will try better next month, but obviously that hasn't happened. It has also taken alot for me to admit to myself that I actually need to do something about it, and not the previous half-hearted attempts I've tried, because it is starting to feel like a lead weight - one credit card I've had for 10 years!!
For a bit of background, I am married with 4 children, aged 17 years (he will be leaving for university September 2021), 16 years (she is hopefully going into sixth form in September), 14 years and 8 years. After my Dad passed away unexpectedly in 2018 at the age of 66, it hit me hard and triggered psoriatic arthritis, rheumatoid arthritis, spondylitis and fibromyalgia, and I have been on a host of immune suppressing medication and steroids since March 2019, but I have also gone from being fit and active (I was training for a half marathon when the symptoms started) to not being able to get dressed some days. I feel like I am coping with this better now, although I can tell the weather with my joints, and I have put a ridiculous amount of weight on, but I always have the thought that I should treat myself - I have a bad day, so then I look at what I can cheer myself up with because I don't drink (I have been teetotal since being pregnant with my eldest as my Dad was a chronic alcoholic), I don't smoke or do anything else 'naughty', so I end up buying myself unnecessary things that I won't ever wear or use, or 'nice' food that is a bit more expensive and doesn't help my waistline! I am a keen gardener, although very much a beginner at the moment, as well as being able to knit, crochet and (basic level) sew, but these always seem to cost me more than they save because I get bored, buy patterns/wool/fabric etc, start something, then get bored again! My Mom is under the impression that you only live once, if you want it have it, so she isn't really a good source of support. After speaking to my husband, he can actually see how much it means to me to be able to do this, so while he is in full support, I suspect he will crack when I have bad days because he tries to do anything to cheer me up when I'm down or in pain.
I suppose I'm wondering if anyone has been in this cycle, and how they got out of it? Also, a few side notes; I have been in this vicious cycle for years, long before my Dad passed away, but his death and my health have been a catalyst to the downward spiral; I have had CBT several times over the last 20 years for various reasons, the most recently was around 3 years ago, and they told me I didn't have a problem with money, everyone has debt, and that I was lucky to be in a position to be able to make repayments; yes, I am on anti-depressants and have been for a while 
If you got this far, then you really do deserve a medal 
Any advice gratefully received because I really want to be able to stick to it this time!

ryanm8655

My advice would be set up a diary on here for some accountability.

Set out your thoughts and set yourself goals. It gets addictive after a while.

I think most of us have had a similar issue in terms of medicating for wider issues through spending. Make the debt clearance your tonic.

There will be relapses but the important thing is the longterm trend. 

IrishSean

a) recognise your debt will seriously hold back your future self; just as your past self has contributed to you feeling in a box now
b) as Ryan said, start a diary here: having others input keeps you motivated (they buy into your journey). Post your SOA; there are few scenarios the forum hasn't seen or had a clever fix for👍
c) look up MSE 'parental contribution to HE'. I did it a few months ago after going 'spend-sober'.
Damn, it's an eye opener. Your kids are near ideal ages to mine, we need to start some serious planning to see them thru Uni! In short, make it about them.
d) budget as much as you can, YNAB, spreadsheets, the calcs you've used etc. Check your credit files monthly, esp. to see if you can shift debts to 0%.
e) build in treats; trip to the coast (meant to be good for your conditions too), french toast, homemade pancakes for the kids, doesn't have to cost much. 
f) last (but actually 1st). Stop spending. That is stop spending on the things that have put and kept you in debt. Most people when they address this fundamental can tackle debt and have a totally different life. It's called the lightbulb moment on the forum: you've had one, now the work starts!

GL Lady!
☺💪

tealady

Hi.
When I was paying off my debts I did occasionally have a treat.
Could you set yourself a small weekly or monthly "treats" budget? And tell yourself when it's gone, it's gone.
Also have a picture of what you want when you are debt free, put it somewhere you can see it.
Finally when I did my budget I included 5 weeks housekeeping (I usually did a weekly shop). The thinking was that for 8 months in the year I would have a week "in hand". It was ideal for stocking up or to put towards my debts.
HTH

Drawingaline

I use ynab and have a 'fun money' category. It is barely funded, but for me it has become much less of a priority. We have similar aged children, mine are 16, almost 15, 11 and 8 so we may be similar ages. I have been doing a lot of reading up on perimenopause which has a huge wave of symptoms, many which will overlap with your other health issues, but it may be of benefit to read up on it to mention to your gp at some point. (No 'cure' as such, but I have found it a help to know how I am feeling is normal and not me going mad!) 

Having a diary on here has been a help to me. Our debt free journey has been very slow, but I often do a round up of what we have achieved without adding to the debt, and our debt is much lower now than it ever has been and no longer leads me to waking in the night in a cold sweat (I still do this, but am blaming perimenopause!) And I know it will be gone. Rather than looking at an overall debt free date break it down. So look at the first 1k.set a date for that and try to beat it. Look for stuff to sell, plan meals so the lure of takeaway is easier to resist. Use a debt free colouring chart to give a good visual representation.

But ultimately it is down to willpower and there will be days where it goes wrong. Much like with dieting and weight loss it is about recognising this and getting back to it after, rather than thinking it's all gone wrong, sod it!

in_need_of_direction

Post regularly even when you have little to report.  The support here gets you through the bulk of the month when it’s hard to make inroads to your debt.

monetxchange

Just to say good luck on your journey. To be honest, there's no magic key, but if you keep focused on the day you don't have the crushing worry of the debt, I found that helped me stay on track.

I'd say cut up the credit cards. I can't trust myself with them either, so have accepted I can't have them around. Then budget tightly and pay all your remaining money to debts at the start of the month. That way you can't fritter it during the month.

BUT it is important to budget something for the things that you enjoy and help you cope. I also love crafts and find them incredibly mindful when you're going through a down patch. But I've been trying to use up all the bits I have before buying more and it has been quite a fun challenge. When you do need more, there's lots of supplies on eBay for all crafts at a much discounted rate.

Well done on taking the first step. Keep at the CBT if you feel you need it again and don't feel annoyed at yourself for not feeling okay - as Ryan said, many of us on here have been through the same and used spending as a coping mechanism. Always check in on here if you feel lost, we're here to help!

enthusiasticsaver

If you are the type of person who sees available cash or available credit as money there to spend then the simple answer is to not use credit cards.  Get rid of them.  As far as cash in the bank is concerned a monthly budget will sort out your need to spend if you put money into savings at the beginning of the month, pay your bills, put so much aside to cover food and travel, save so much towards annual expenses  and keep so much as spending money.  A spending diary will help you. 

Having savings goals always helped us save.  So saving for a new car, bigger house, paying off the mortgage early or investing for early retirement or a holiday.  Possibly you have fallen into this learned behaviour by following your mums example of YOLO and not planning for the future but you have health issues and two children almost grown up who may need help with university, cars etc etc.  Planning for your future needs to be your new doctrine. I would be seriously worried by any CBT who says everyone has debt.  For a start that is not true and even if it was that does not warrant them dismissing your concerns. 

greensalad

YNAB has been the solution for me too. For the first three months I simply tracked spending and was blown away by some places where I was spending. Nowadays I always allow myself some cash in fun categories, but I find YNAB helps me want to prioritise that money elsewhere, and it also makes me constantly feel like I need to penny-pinch because I'm almost at the end of my budget but in reality I'm really close to paying off all my debts and have money saved for important things too. It's funny, I spent £50 today on something long overdue and said to my boyfriend "eek, I really need to stop spending this month, I'm getting broke". I in fact had £300 still in my "fun" categories and actually had £6k in the bank. But it's all assigned various duties and therefore doesn't feel available to me.

As for credit cards, when I started budgeting I ordered new cards and new PINs then chopped them up. Can't spend if the only way to do it is to get a card re-issued!

zippygeorgeandben

Your title says about how to stay motivated but I think that you are already on that road, purely by posting on here.  You have took the time to read some diaries so have invested time in this.  I think you'll be ok and take the advice of regular posters on here who normally talk from experience.
You never know, you might actually start to enjoy the thrill of saving the pennies. Good luck!

MidsHollie

Hey GardenFlutterby,
Well done on facing up to things, that is a big step. 

With regards to how to stay motivated, I find it helps if I focus 100%. Being debt free for me is my focus for this year (even though it will be more like a three year project!). Every decision I make, I make in the context of my goal to be debt free, even down to wether I buy a coffee on the way to work. 

I find it helpful to have a vision and some goals. My vision is to be debt free, essentially so that the money that currently goes towards debt, will go towards me! I have goals with end dates for each of my cards and debts (cards all achieved, two bigger debts now the focus).
Can I ask what it is you have been spending on? It might be helpful to also focus on that. For example, if it is clothes, maybe try decluttering and selling what you can. It is very refreshing to simplify life. I’ve also found that the more I focus on one or two things, the more the other stuff is background noise.

Good luck on your journey!