Just found my mum in a state which probably confirms she's an alcoholic - don't know what to do

stupidaspie

... tonight or going forward.

I walked into her room (door was open) and found her urinating into a waste bin. I stepped out, and when I went back in, she was collapsed on the floor but not comatose. The curtains were half-open, and it took her a long time to notice me standing there. Yesterday, there was a bottle of brandy on the bookshelf which wasn't there tonight.

Things haven't been great in our relationship lately and when I asked what was wrong, she said she wanted to die and it was all because of me, that I was "horrendous", a "!!!!!! taker" and only cared about myself. I asked her a few times to talk to me about what was wrong, but she repeatedly told me to go away.

She said something about allowing her the dignity of getting into bed, which I saw she had managed to do.

She's been displaying unstable behaviour for over a year, but I didn't realise until tonight how bad things were (and perhaps didn't want to). Tomorrow, she might say she'll get help, but there are other things which I know she's been hiding from me, so I don't know if I can keep it between us - or if telling my brother will help (he's a recovering alcoholic himself).

MovingForwards

As with any addiction, the person has to want to get better, all you can do is leave the information around so she can get help when ready.

Speak with your brother, he may or may not be the best person to speak with your mom.

kazwookie

Talk to her and see if she will seek medical help to start with.

stupidaspie

She's perfectly normal and pleasant this morning, seems to have no recollections of last night and says it's just that she doesn't normally drink brandy. I shouldn't just go along with that, should I? She also says that there've been a lot of problems lately, including her feeling like she's got no privacy (I have intervened before because she's displaying unstable behaviour).

wolfehouse

There are numerous help organisations like al anon and ad fam where you can seek information about alcohol issues and family who want to help and will help you to Watch out for co-dependency issues (including enabling behaviour).  
you Might find it helpful to get in touch with one of those forums.

Fireflyaway

I agree that people with an addiction have to be ready and willing to accept help. It's natural for a lot of addicts to not want to admit what state they are in and to lie about it. You can talk to your mum but he ready that she might interpret your concern as interfering. She might lie and say everything is fine because that's easier than talking about the truth. Alcoholism is most likely the symptom of something else. Maybe money worries, relationship issies, abuse, depression etc. I'd say you don't tell anyone at this stage. Your mum may take that badly. Let your mum know you love her and you are concerned for her and want to help. Maybe write it in a letter and try to let her hear this message whilst she is sober. On the down side, she is an adult and you can't force her to seek help. It seems counter intuitive but forcing the issue could just make your mum more distant. Maybe research the details of a local counselling service because she may feel more comfortable speaking to someone outside the family. Don't take that the wrong way. If she doesn't want to confide in you it's probably because she doesn't want you to be upset or lose respect for her. Not because she doesn't  love you. Boost her confidence if you can and let her know she is not alone. You could ask if she would like to speak to your brother given his success in overcoming alcoholism but I wouldn't do it without her consent. 

stupidaspie

Fireflyaway said:

I agree that people with an addiction have to be ready and willing to accept help. It's natural for a lot of addicts to not want to admit what state they are in and to lie about it. You can talk to your mum but he ready that she might interpret your concern as interfering. She might lie and say everything is fine because that's easier than talking about the truth. Alcoholism is most likely the symptom of something else. Maybe money worries, relationship issies, abuse, depression etc. I'd say you don't tell anyone at this stage. Your mum may take that badly. Let your mum know you love her and you are concerned for her and want to help. Maybe write it in a letter and try to let her hear this message whilst she is sober. On the down side, she is an adult and you can't force her to seek help. It seems counter intuitive but forcing the issue could just make your mum more distant. Maybe research the details of a local counselling service because she may feel more comfortable speaking to someone outside the family. Don't take that the wrong way. If she doesn't want to confide in you it's probably because she doesn't want you to be upset or lose respect for her. Not because she doesn't  love you. Boost her confidence if you can and let her know she is not alone. You could ask if she would like to speak to your brother given his success in overcoming alcoholism but I wouldn't do it without her consent. 

I'm not convinced she's an alcoholic - it seems that you can be dependent on alcohol (which she is, without a doubt) but not an alcoholic. She drinks about 3 bottles of wine a week and early this year I saw a bottle of something in her handbag before she went out at midday, if anyone can offer an opinion.

I'm pretty certain she has borderline personality disorder, which gives rise to impulsive behaviours like binge drinking, so you're right about it being a symptom of a wider problem, and in saying I shouldn't tell my brother without her consent. Tomorrow I might tell her, basically, that I don't think she's well, that there's no judgement but that I'm not just going to pretend I don't think there's an issue.

OldMusicGuy

stupidaspie said:

I'm not convinced she's an alcoholic - it seems that you can be dependent on alcohol (which she is, without a doubt) but not an alcoholic. She drinks about 3 bottles of wine a week and early this year I saw a bottle of something in her handbag before she went out at midday, if anyone can offer an opinion.

She's most likely a functioning alcoholic. Alcoholics do a fantastic job of hiding the true extent of their abuse. I've had close encounters with two alcoholics in my life. In both cases, no one suspected either were alcoholics and everyone went out of their way to come up with plausible explanations for their odd/erratic behaviour (just like you are with her....). It was only after one committed suicide and the other attempted suicide that the real truth came out.

Even from the short descriptions you have given of your mum's behaviour, she fits a very similar profile to both of these people. They both led (on the surface) very respectable lives. The sad news is that neither could be helped until they recognised the extent of their problem. For one of them, it was too late. For the other, the suicide attempt failed and after that they sought help once they admitted the extent of their problems.

I would suggest you check out Drinkaware (https://www.drinkaware.co.uk/ ) and NACOA (http://www.nacoa.org.uk/adults.html) . Don't confront her until you have checked out Drinkaware at the very least. 

pollyanna_26

Fireflyaway said:

I agree that people with an addiction have to be ready and willing to accept help. It's natural for a lot of addicts to not want to admit what state they are in and to lie about it. You can talk to your mum but he ready that she might interpret your concern as interfering. She might lie and say everything is fine because that's easier than talking about the truth. Alcoholism is most likely the symptom of something else. Maybe money worries, relationship issies, abuse, depression etc. I'd say you don't tell anyone at this stage. Your mum may take that badly. Let your mum know you love her and you are concerned for her and want to help. Maybe write it in a letter and try to let her hear this message whilst she is sober. On the down side, she is an adult and you can't force her to seek help. It seems counter intuitive but forcing the issue could just make your mum more distant. Maybe research the details of a local counselling service because she may feel more comfortable speaking to someone outside the family. Don't take that the wrong way. If she doesn't want to confide in you it's probably because she doesn't want you to be upset or lose respect for her. Not because she doesn't  love you. Boost her confidence if you can and let her know she is not alone. You could ask if she would like to speak to your brother given his success in overcoming alcoholism but I wouldn't do it without her consent. 

I agree with Fireflyaway. My youngest dd was diagnosed wrongly with Aspergers over 20 years ago. It messed her life up but thankfully no alcohol or other issues. She was correctly diagnosed with Borderline personality a few years ago but it took an excellent GP and a team including Psyciatrists and a brilliant counseller to begin to turn things around and her life is very different now.

You cannot diagnose her or fix things. Be supportive but don't force matters. My dd put her struggles and symptoms into a reliable online search a few years ago, printed it off and showed it to myself and our GP and that led to the diagnosis fight.

Be aware there are different types of BPD. Acting out or acting in. My dd was the latter damaging herself rather than others although  i struggled over the years to understand why she felt so isolated  and angry with herself.

I suggest you read and print the information.

Your mum doesn't seem to be seeking solutions like my dd. She needs kindness and some headspace not constant questions and you trying to diagnose her. Unless she's already involved with MH services her GP should be the first contact point when and if she wishes to discuss matters. Everything is up in the air in the present situation with GP appts etc. My advice is try to leave things for now.. However mixed up your mum needs some peace at the moment.

I've volunteered both with those on the Spectrum and with alcohol and other issues. Unless someone is endangering others or suicidal. The first step needs to come from them and there  are other possibilites than BPD.

polly

eamon

You can't have any serious conversation with your mum whilst she is drunk or drinking. It will just go in one ear and out the other accompanied by an argument and lots of tears. But you are obviously concerned otherwise you wouldn't be posting on here. Your brother likely knows all about it but as he himself has a problem there is little to be gained. Has she got underlying MH issues even undiagnosed? Unless you have access to her medical records then you and we could never know unless she chooses to tell you. 

Do you live with your Mum? If yes then in the first instance you are the one that needs help. There are lots of resources that you can tap into for advice. If you google the phrase "living with an alcoholic uk" it brings up lots of websites. I don't know if any of them are any good or not. This is the NHS site

https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/alcohol-support/

carly

eamon said:

You can't have any serious conversation with your mum whilst she is drunk or drinking. It will just go in one ear and out the other accompanied by an argument and lots of tears. But you are obviously concerned otherwise you wouldn't be posting on here. Your brother likely knows all about it but as he himself has a problem there is little to be gained. Has she got underlying MH issues even undiagnosed? Unless you have access to her medical records then you and we could never know unless she chooses to tell you. 

Do you live with your Mum? If yes then in the first instance you are the one that needs help. There are lots of resources that you can tap into for advice. If you google the phrase "living with an alcoholic uk" it brings up lots of websites. I don't know if any of them are any good or not. This is the NHS site

https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/alcohol-support/

Great post , and oh so true!   You cannot help your mother unless and until she wants help but you can and should get as much support and advice for yourself as you can get.