Battling with Myself

pugmum87

After lurking on here for some time, I have decided to take the plunge and start my own diary as I have had my LBM.  Things can't go on as they are.   I love seeing all the support everyone gives each other and could really do with some right now!

My situation:  In 2016 I was £10,000 in credit card debt, from purchases, balance transfers, money transfers, the lot.  Treating myself way too often, being over-generous with gifts, going on 5* holidays and generally living a lifestyle which I just couldn't afford, but didn't really think about.  I hid my debts from everyone, and only 'fessed up when my finances started getting out of control and the weight on my shoulders was so heavy I could hardly bear it.  I told my parents who were more understanding than I expected, my partner, less so!  He was understandably angry that I had kept this secret from him but he seemed to get past it.  So, I began to live more frugally, tweaked the repayments so I was paying off more than the minimum, sold a few bits and managed to pay off £2,500 in around 9 months.  

Then in 2017, a group of friends discussed the idea of going on a villa holiday.  My partner asked me what I thought and as I had been doing so well paying off my debt, I thought I was in a comfortable position to afford to go, so I agreed.  4 days in to the holiday, and I was running around on my own in our bedroom panicking because I couldn't afford to contribute to the kitty which was WAY more than expected.  Rather than approach my partner and explain, I logged onto my MBNA account and did a money transfer.  I felt so guilty and ashamed of myself as I'd been doing so well, so I promised myself that when we got home I was going to get back on the debt- clearing bandwagon and get it sorted.

But I didn't.  It started to get so easy again, just whipping out the CC and paying for a round of drinks, then a fancy outfit, then a meal, then a holiday (and more, and more and more).  Since then, my debt has crept right up to over £18,000.  I'm now in a position where I'm spending most of my income on bills and CC repayments but still trying to maintain this 'Keeping Up With The Joneses' lifestyle which is being funded by the CCs...so it's just a vicious circle!

Once again, I had to come clean to my partner which I did just a few days ago.  He is so angry with me (it was full on, head in hands despair).  I tried to justify the reason for not telling him as I thought I could get myself out of it, and I had tried to tell him that my finances were in dire straits but he didn't ask the details so I just didn't tell him.  How pathetic must I have sounded!  He said he feels betrayed.  I totally understand as if it were the other way round I would feel the same.  I feel like the worst person in the world.  However once again he has rallied round and although I know he is furious, he is trying to help me sort this out.  The next step for me is to tell my parents, who are currently on holiday.  With all of this going on the last few days, I wish they were here to give me guidance and some reassurance!  They are back on Tuesday so I will have to wait until then, but I am so nervous, they will be so disappointed in me  

At the weekend, my partner and I are going to sit down and go through everything, try and make a plan, come up with ideas on how to tackle this and get it sorted out.  Everything feels hopeless right now, so reading everyone's diaries is really giving me some motivation that if I work hard and focus, I can get through this!  

Mrs_F_2017

Just wanted to say hello! Well done on your post & telling your partner about it. The situation is never hopeless! 

I can sympathise as I am my own worst enemy too - I can remember in the past being in a situation like your kitty fund above & feeling I had no other choice than adding to my debt to keep up! 

It’s good that you are sitting down with your partner to work on a plan. I really rate YNAB and it’s the number 1 thing that has helped me stay on track with not overspending & paying down debt! 

Good luck on your journey! X

lindens

I think we can all sympathise with many points in your post - we've all been there in one way or another.

I just wondered though, as an adult with a partner and a house, why you even need to tell your parents? I wouldn't/didn't.

pugmum87

Mrs F - Thank you for the support and the YNAB tip, I've heard about that and will take a look over this weekend to try firm up my budgeting plan. It's always good to have the right tools to help with this kind of job    re. the kitty it was so much easier to save face and use the CC!


Lindens - Thank you for the reassurance that I'm not alone in this.  I think with my parents, when I was at my previous 'crisis point', they helped so much in supporting me and trying to educate me, give me words of wisdom etc. (silly me put all of that out of my head when I got back into my mess)  So as hard as it will be to tell them, I feel they will also be a source of comfort as I try to get through it if that makes sense!  I just need to rip off the plaster which is the hard part.


I have been thinking about my attitude to money recently and why I have treated it so frivolously.  I've been working since I was 14 (I'm now in my early 30s) and obviously enjoyed having my own money from that early age.  I kept my part time job through college and uni and enjoyed spending my hard earned money on clothes, books, DVDs, going out etc.  Just as I was about to finish uni, I was diagnosed with cancer, so work and uni had to be put on hold whilst I was in hospital and going through chemo.  A few months later I was in remission, sat my finals, and went back to work, eventually going up to full time.  This period of my life certainly contributed to the 'You only have one life, so just go out and enjoy yourself' mentality, and that is what I have done for the last 10 years, without thinking of the financial consequences.  

It has only been the last two years or so where I have really started thinking about my future and where I want to be.  I am lucky enough right now to have a mortgage (it's an old family home), with my OH and furbaby, I have a car, and a stable job with a decent wage (however I dislike the job so much I think this also factors in with the 'treat yoself' behaviour).  But I am really ready to settle down, co-own a bigger, family-sized house with the OH, get married and have kids.  And I know I therefore need to get my sensible head on and change my attitude to money, and the sooner I do this, the better! 

pugmum87

Good Morning DFWs!

Currently sat at my laptop with the scented candle on, a lovely cup of coffee and the furbaby lazing on the rug.  Waiting for OH to get out of bed so we can get started on what seems like this mammoth task of sorting my finances out.

I'm out for a friend's birthday tonight. It's 'Out Out' as well, so not just a couple of quiet drinks down the pub, a group of us are going to this swanky bar where the booze is NOT cheap.  I really don't want to go with money finally being at the forefront of my mind, but agreed to it and paid for it (you have to pay up front for the table and drinks) pre- LBM , just another case of trying to keep up with everyone even though I couldn't afford to and didn't want to miss out.  As bad as it sounds, I'm looking forward to tomorrow when it's over and I can enjoy having quieter and much cheaper weekends. 

Hope everyone has a lovely Saturday!