At a loss

Lee_Bee

As the title would say I’m at a loss. I see no way out except one way.
My ex husband and I when we were together he got a credit card. We split up and he said that I was to use it for the kids and as long as I paid it back that was fine advising that when the oldest was 16 he would want it cleared by then.
Since then he has suffered through addiction and poor mental health. We split up because of his addiction and his behaviour and abuse towards me. I mentioned it the other day to him and he went mad and is now claiming he cannot remember any of this.
I work so hard in a job I love. I study part time as well and he is basically now threatening me about this. I can’t find £4K overnight. I will not be able to get a loan or anything to cover it and I have no family to help.
I’m in such a mess, I’m so worried I can’t sleep. All I can think is well if I wasn’t here what money would be realised from my pensions etc would cover it.
I know I sound stupid. I know I do. But I can’t think rationally. I can’t lose my job I’m the only provider for my kids. I can’t keep going with him pressuring me and I’m so frightened of what will come of this. And maybe my kids would be better without me because right now the stress is eating me up.
Not really sure why I’m posting here. I suppose I don’t know where else to go with this. It’s my fault I’ve left myself wide open I get that.

MrLolly

Sorry to hear how overwhelming your situation is- I completely understand the feeling as I’ve been in a similar situation before and it’s difficult to think past the immediate fear and feeling of danger.

Things DO get better, and no amount of money or debt, or pressure of any kind from another person is worth taking drastic decisions over. No matter how dark everything may seem right now.

Please, please take my advice and speak to the Samaritans. They are an ear to listen and a voice of reason and I promise that a problem shared is a problem halved.

116 123 is their number and it’s free.

If you don’t feel comfortable talking to them, reach out to a friend or relative you can confide in.

Remember your kids love you and want you to be around for as long as possible- be kind to yourself and know that the situation can be sorted out one way or another- with help from all the knowledgable people on here.

Mental health struggles can be so debilitating and having suffered with them myself (as many do)- I know that dark days don’t last forever and that hope is worth living for.

I hope, in some way, this might have helped you feel less alone or isolated. Please get the help you deserve and look after yourself- you and your children deserve that.

Much love and a heartfelt hug to you xxx

Lee_Bee

Thanks for replying to me

McKneff

Just be aware that if the cc is in his name, the debt is his.
Is he paying child support.

Willing2Learn

Lee_Bee wrote: »

I’m in such a mess, I’m so worried I can’t sleep.

In what way are things a 'mess'? In what way is your ex 'threatening' you? If you talked a little more about the exact circumstances, then maybe there is a way that we can help you. There are always options, it is just that sometimes emotions can cloud things over, making it hard to see your way forward. Well maybe we can signpost you in the right direction.

The one thing I know for fact is that your kids need their mother. If you were to 'leave' them, then they would likely feel miserable and lost too.


Have you spoken to an agency such as Womens Aid? I am sure that your circumstances, and the way you are feeling emotionally, is something they can support you with. Hang in there.

Jox

Lee_Bee hope things feel a bit better this morning, keep posting, you'll get support here.

There's no way you should do anything drastic over this money, your life is a million (and much more) times more valuable and your kids need you.

Addiction is a miserable disease, it destroys the person and those around them but you're a strong person and you provide for your kids, that will always be remembered and appreciated deep down.

I'm posting my signature so you can see how much debt I have

Is the card in your ex's name?

Lee_Bee

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply to me I really do appreciate it.
The card is in his name, he opened it years ago, he then developed an addiction, his behaviour was erratic and I was frightened. I asked him to leave and he did. I have always worked full time. He never worked. I worked, studied and then came home to do everything else and it just got too much and I knew I deserved better. When he moved out that was the only card ‘we’ had. As he didn’t work and could never support the kids he agreed I was to use it when the kids needed something and as long as it was paid back when our son was 16 that was fine.

His addiction spiralled as did his mental health. I still support him to this day and check in daily to make sure he is ok. I mentioned that I was hoping to get the card paid off quicker and it kicked off from there. He denies all knowledge, denies he opened it, denies he said anything to me. His behaviour frightens me physically he hasn’t hurt me since the day he left. Mentally it’s the mind games that are torturous to me.

I’m more annoyed at myself. I’m so stupid I’ve put myself in this position. I work so hard, study for my degree at night as well as look after my kids. All this I can manage. And was managing. Until he started. I’m scared, on edge. My kids and my career means everything to me.

Jox

So it's a credit card in his name, what is the limit and the interest if you know?

Can you not use it any more?

I guess legally it is in his name and therefore it is his problem.

He might not remember getting the card and telling you to spend on it but doesn't mean that didn't happen.

You concentrate on yourself and the kids and minimise contact with him and avoid discussing this if it's going to cause mental torture.

Willing2Learn

Lee_Bee wrote: »

I still support him to this day and check in daily to make sure he is ok. I mentioned that I was hoping to get the card paid off quicker and it kicked off from there. He denies all knowledge, denies he opened it, denies he said anything to me. His behaviour frightens me physically he hasn’t hurt me since the day he left. Mentally it’s the mind games that are torturous to me.

You have a right to live your life without feeling frightened. It sounds like continued emotional and psychological abuse to me. His behaviour may also be defined as coercive control and financial abuse. Please ring Women's Aid for advice and support. You need to fully break free from his control...he needs to deal with his addiction himself. I recommend you stop offering him support...

fatbelly

I agree with W2L - the important issues here are not the debt.

As far as the debt goes, I suspect someone is writing to him about it and that's why he is becoming threatening to you.

He needs to take advice for himself. The less you have to do with it/him the better.