Need to sort my life out - massive changes ahead

pickedliver

Hi ,

I was planning on posting in the New Year but decided to take the bull by the horns and do it today. Actually feel quite apprehensive about this.

I am a married man with a 10 year old son. In about 4 weeks I will turn 39. I feel like my financial situation and life in general is out of control. I have come to the realization that I need to do change things right now.

I have been with my wife for 18 years and we have lived together since 2006. son arrived in 2009.We both entered the relationship with some debt and this grew over the years due to buying cars, home improvements, wedding, nursery costs and overspending in general. Neither of us paid enough attention to our debt level and we wandered on blindly for years.

My wife was brought up in a quite a strict environment where she was forced to do lots of housework as well as being very controlled over money and spending. When we moved in together it was her opportunity to relax a little and I understood this. fast forward 13 years and I am now in a situation where I am working full time in a demanding job, working an additional part time job ( freelance stuff) in the evenings, doing all of the cooking cleaning, doing the gardens, and managing ( badly) our finances). I feel like I never get a moment to breathe. I am not trying to discredit my wife. I am happily married to her but our living situation has got out of control.

Out debt level is out of control with well over 60k of unsecured debt. This is where the real issue starts for me... my wife doesn't show any interest to our finances and leaves it all to me. For quite a while I didn't share with her the true extent of our debt levels as I didn't want to stress her. She knew we had a lot of debt and she also knew that I would get very stressed over it from time to time.

She is aware of the level of debt now but I struggle with her attitude towards it. At times she appears to be completed disengaged from it, telling me that she knows that I will sort it and that she isn't worried. At other times she makes comments such as " I don't know why we have so much debt", and then occasionally she will be downright judgmental and blames me for the debt that we are in. When we have argued she has made comments about me "keeping the debt secret" which is just not true. She has seen me stressed to the point of tears over our finances. She has seen me sitting for hours producing spreadsheets to try and organise our payments and she has heard me repeatedly saying that I am worried about our debt.

I deal with all of the bills and debt payments. My wife has a credit card that she spends on and expects me to just sort it out. Over the last 2 months this has been more than £500. She seems to be disengaged from out situation and at times seems to lack any responsibility. I just refuse to continue like this. I have spent years feeling stressed, guilty and inadequate over our debt level but I am now starting to feel resentful that she takes no responsibility. I accept that I should have taken a different approach when the debt was first accumulating but I just wanted to sort it out without stressing her. All of the money was spent on stuff for us as a family. I rarely buy anything for myself.

The final straw came last week when my wife announced that she had agreed for us to purchase a new fridge freezer for her sister who has just moved into our first home. This wasn't discussed with me before she agreed and yet again there is an assumption that I will just sort it all out. Previously I would have just smiled and bought the fridge freezer on a credit card but I have JUST HAD ENOUGH.

So here I am, one year away from turning 40 and simply not willing to continue living like this. I feel like something in my head has finally snapped. I REFUSE to carry on feeling guilty and solely responsible. I am not saying that I want us to split up - that is the last thing I want but I am just not willing to keep living like this.

We are lucky to be in well paid jobs and this has allowed us to keep up with our payments. I have never missed a payment on anything but our credit scores are rubbish due to high utilisation. This rules out any balance transfers for a while. We should have some money left over at the end of the month but this just gets swallowed up with unnecessary spending. My wife is more social that me and enjoys nights out with work colleagues etc. She can easily spend £100. Last week we had £50 uber fees come out of our bank account. I don't want to sound like a controlling husband because I am really not, however this just can't continue at it's current level.

Sorry for the long post. It was quite therapeutic to type all of that out. Brain feels slightly less burdened already!

I will do the SOA thing later and will also consider calling one of the debt charities to see if they can offer any advice.

Willing2Learn

Hi,

It is good you have had your lightbulb moment and want to address your family budget problems.

What you could do, is to put together a realistic budget with your SOA. One that allows you to repay your debts, while hopefully still allowing you both some funds for entertainment. If you have a workable budget, a debt solution, then maybe you can then approach your wife with it so that this becomes a joint effort.

Edit: And welcome to the forum

Karonher

Sorry to be so blunt about someone I do not know but it seems that your wife really needs to change her ways. She knows the level of the debt but keeps on spending and leaving you to sort it out. The first thing I would do would be to tell her that SHE is buying her sister a new fridge freezer using her card and from now on she is responsible for paying for it. You have told us that you are not prepared to go on like this - have you told her?

If she is well paid she will want nights out to relax but will they be as expensive if she is footing the bill?

With regards to the rest - extra job, household responsibilities, if there is not a medical or other good reason why she is not doing her share then she needs to start. Not only is it unfair to you, but what example is that setting to your son?

If you post a SOA then there may be ways that others can see where you can save money, but your wife will have to be on board unless you are strong enough to deal with your debts and leave her to hers.

Good luck

MovingForwards

You need to get your wife onside and having her understand why she needs to cut back on spending and helping others. I know her upbringing has sent her way over the opposite side (my mom was single parent on benefits with next to no money after bills/food).

A spreadsheet listing income, outgoings, a breakdown of where the money has gone over the last 12 months and what changes need to be made.

You can't do it alone and still have your wife spending like there is no tomorrow.

Perhaps ditch the credit cards, cut them up and pay them off over time.

Perhaps an account for your wife to have monthly money in, when it's gone, it's gone.

I was in your situation, only my now ex was drinking the money away, leaving less and less as his dependency grew more and more. I could never get him on board, even when we signed up to a DMP. Even when we lived apart all he could see was he had more money to drink, spend on what he wanted and on someone else, in the end I snapped and called it a day as it takes two people to work through everything.

A SOA will help, even if it's only for your benefit and not posted up.

When I started over (with less than £1k in my pocket and the first month rent/bills paid, no job due to relocating, nothing but debt, thankfully nothing joint), I worked out a budget, had spreadsheets on the go, worked out my income for the year, did a monthly breakdown of bills / outgoings, worked out what was left and how much I was going to save, then again worked out what was left and divided that by how many Fridays there were in that month, each Friday I would draw out my weekly allowance and pay cash for petrol, bus pass, food etc, it got to the point where I wouldn't need to take as much out as I planned, then I wouldn't need to take anything out as I hadn't spent anything.

Eg wages £1200, less bills / DMP etc = £500, less savings £100 divide by 4 fridays £100 PW for food, petrol etc (it was actually £60 a week when I was doing it).

Over 3 years later I still have my spreadsheets, my savings are healthy, DMP was cancelled, debts were picked off and I'm earning less than I was when I started over, but the stress has gone, I look forward to receiving and opening post and answering my phone.

Your health will get affected by the stress and body's only cope with so much.

Wishing you luck, it will get better.

Wimbrel

You have had your lightbulb moment! Well done, that first step is the hardest. The second hardest is going to be to get your wife on side. The credit cards have to go, a budget to be agreed and stuck to, which includes a limited amount for socialising and a "when it's gone it's gone!" strategy. You also need to start building up an emergency fund, You are jointly responsible for the situation you find yourself in and will have to work together to sort it out. Good luck!

pickedliver

I have done our SOA. I have included what I think we should be spending. The debts totals are also rounded up slightly but generally accurate. I need to check the interest rates on catalogue and next but I imagine that it's dreadful.

So here we are. It's not pretty but I suppose we I have to start somewhere.

I feel sick at the amount this debt is costing us. Not sure what else we can do other than knuckle down. I know that wife will suggest remortgaging but I really don't want to go down that road. Our house and it's equity is the only positive financial thing that we have going for us!

I am going to sit down with wife tonight (son at sleepover) and show her the SOA.

Household Information[/b]
Number of adults in household........... 2
Number of children in household......... 1
Number of cars owned.................... 2

Monthly Income Details
Monthly income after tax................ 3689
Partners monthly income after tax....... 1267
Benefits................................ 0
Other income............................ 0
Total monthly income.................... 4956

Monthly Expense Details
Mortgage................................ 527
Secured/HP loan repayments.............. 145
Rent.................................... 0
Management charge (leasehold property).. 0
Council tax............................. 128
Electricity............................. 60
Gas..................................... 80
Oil..................................... 0
Water rates............................. 30
Telephone (land line)................... 15
Mobile phone............................ 45
TV Licence.............................. 12
Satellite/Cable TV...................... 35
Internet Services....................... 21
Groceries etc. ......................... 300
Clothing................................ 50
Petrol/diesel........................... 160
Road tax................................ 10
Car Insurance........................... 63
Car maintenance (including MOT)......... 50
Car parking............................. 0
Other travel............................ 0
Childcare/nursery....................... 100
Other child related expenses............ 70
Medical (prescriptions, dentist etc).... 15
Pet insurance/vet bills................. 0
Buildings insurance..................... 15
Contents insurance...................... 14
Life assurance ......................... 29
Other insurance......................... 0
Presents (birthday, christmas etc)...... 100
Haircuts................................ 15
Entertainment........................... 150
Holiday................................. 0
Emergency fund.......................... 50
Total monthly expenses.................. 2289


Assets
Cash.................................... 0
House value (Gross)..................... 225000
Shares and bonds........................ 0
Car(s).................................. 14500
Other assets............................ 0
Total Assets............................ 239500


Secured & HP Debts
Description....................Debt......Monthly...APR
Mortgage...................... 59000....(527)......1.9
Hire Purchase (HP) debt ...... 10000....(145)......7.9
Total secured & HP debts...... 69000.....-.........-

Unsecured Debts
Description....................Debt......Monthly...APR
barclaycard 1..................12500.....228.......6.9
barclaycard 2..................4250......90........6.9
creation.......................9000......89........0
next...........................518.......20........0
catalogue......................1580......90........0
MBNA 2 ( awful)................2250......59........26.9
tesci CC.......................4450......117.......16.9
creation.......................6200......62........0
HSBC...........................3000......60........0
MBNA ( awful)..................8000......259.......26.9
loan 2.........................7200......133.......8.3
loan...........................3500......248.......9.9
aqua ( awful card).............1600......64........35.9
Total unsecured debts..........64048.....1519......-


Monthly Budget Summary
Total monthly income.................... 4,956
Expenses (including HP & secured debts). 2,289
Available for debt repayments........... 2,667
Monthly UNsecured debt repayments....... 1,519
Amount left after debt repayments....... 1,148

Personal Balance Sheet Summary
Total assets (things you own)........... 239,500
Total HP & Secured debt................. -69,000
Total Unsecured debt.................... -64,048
Net Assets.............................. 106,452

onwards&upwards

This is more relationship advice than financial i’m afraid, but I think you need to have a really honest conversation with your wife and ask her to go to some couples counselling with you with the aim being to get on the same page about the family finances.

Also, your SOA needs to show the reality of what you ARE spending, not what you should be, so go back and put the real figures in to get the best advice.

sourcrates

Hi,

Your budget dosent look that bad, thats assuming of course that its a true reflction of your spending, and not what you hope to aspire too.
You have 14 lines of credit, plus your mortgage, and according to the above, can afford the repayments, just about.

You have a very healthy income, but also carry large debts, not untypical for people on this payscale, debt mangement is not an option based on those figures, you do however have a very large amount of equity in your home, its not something we normally advise, but remortgaging may be an option, we dont normally advise turning unsecured debt into secured, especially if old spending habits are still prevelent, but you may want to take advice on that option.

Karonher

If that is an accurate SOA then the Aqua card can be virtually cleared with the next payment. If you cut back a little on the food budget it will help.

Next put the extra money to getting rid of the MBNA cards. They could be gone by the summer and there is then next highest interest to turn to.

There does not seem to be a lot that can be cut from the budget. A bit from groceries, entertainment and clothes will help and of you could cut back on petrol usage - even the odd £10 here and there it can all bring the debt down.

By the summer you can be paying around £3000 a month meaning you can be debt free in less than a further 2 years from then.

armouredbeast

I will be brutally honest here....You really have to rein in the spending of your wife or either get her to take responsibility for her overspending.
You also need to have an honest conversation with her and take control of your finances together or things will just get worse
You are in this together.
Don't let this carry on as it is into the new year and start making the positive changes together NOW. Well done on posting your SOA.

theoretica

How many of the debts are in your wife's name? Are any joint? I am wondering if the split would work out for separating the family finances out into yours and hers in a way that does not give her access to spend more than she earns.