“Debt is normal. Be weird.”

browneyed_girl

Working a night shift tonight, so a bit more Xmas shopping done online whilst sat in bed with a cup of tea . Spent £31.39 on the last part of the Secret Santa gift and the main present for DS1. Now, all this present buying is having the unfortunate side effect of reminding me of last year’s Xmas and the upset that went with it. It’s making it difficult for me to decide what to do this year, as well as affecting me on a personal emotional level (I actually cried this morning thinking about it until DH came to the rescue with aforementioned cup of tea ). Why don’t I explain, because I could really do with some advice...

Last year, I invited all my side of the family over for Xmas as I was on maternity leave and it was DS’s first Xmas. I invited them way back in May, mostly because I was so excited about having a guaranteed Xmas not working. In my job, I don’t get a guaranteed period off over Xmas (usually just Xmas and Boxing Day) and had actually worked nights the previous Xmas (boo!), so this was a unique situation for me and gave me the time I wanted to plan a big family day. To put it into context, DH and I have never hosted Xmas for my family and recently we seem to have been left out of everyone else’s plans too. In the past 5 years, I’ve spent one Xmas with my family (not through lack of trying, just because siblings invite the parents over first and then others follow but we never receive an invite) and the others have been spent with the in-laws (who are all lovely, but there aren’t other children for the kids to play with and the whole atmosphere is always a bit too “grown-up” for what my idea of Xmas should be). Before this, DH and I lived at the other end of the country whilst I was at uni and we often spent Xmases alone as none of my family ever came to visit.

Back to last year...After inviting everyone over and getting the feedback that it was “a lovely idea”, I spent all year (well, six months) scrimping and saving with plans for the best Xmas ever. This was actually the first Xmas that we didn’t use any credit (yay!). I lost count of the surveys I did, exchanged the points for supermarket vouchers and saved my Nectar and Clubcard points to pay for the copious amounts of food. I bought new decorations, games and even crafty Xmas bits to keep the kids entertained before present-opening time. I looked up recipes, planned all the food (needing to cater for gluten-free, vegetarian and carnivores) and made list after list to make sure that I didn’t miss a single thing.

Then, in late October, it was dropped into a casual conversation that everyone had made other plans for Xmas. No apologies, nothing even directly said to me...just everyone else talking around me about the plans they’d made. I was so stunned that I left the room and burst into tears. DH was so angry on my behalf that he spoke to the family afterwards, and their response was that they thought it had been an ‘open invitation’ and just commented that I shouldn’t have planned so much (again, no hint of an apology). I honestly was lost for words and cried a lot more in the following weeks than I’d like to admit to. It wasn’t just all the work I had put into planning it. All the effort was so that my kids could have a wonderful family Xmas (not to mention DS’s first) and when everyone else made other plans, it was as though they were not so discretely telling me that my little family just wasn’t important enough.

Now, this year I don’t think I want to do anything at all. Anytime Xmas plans have been mentioned, I’ve changed the conversation. My SIL briefly mentioned how she thought people were coming over to our’s, but we haven’t invited anyone and due to work I wouldn’t have the time to plan or cater the day anyway. I have no idea what anyone else is doing, but we’ve not received any invites (yet again). I’m feeling really stuck, because I still want the children to have a lovely time and I know they’d love a big family Xmas, but I just can’t face it. Should I just suck it up? DH has talked about going away and then we seem to have agreed to stay at home, have a non-traditional Xmas and spoil the kids rotten in our own way. My worry with this plan is that I don’t know that the kids will find it special enough and will be disappointed (a mother’s greatest fear!). But anytime I even think about Xmas these days, I’m filled with dread and (more likely than not) start to blubber (I know, get a grip right?!).

So - what do I do?

enthusiasticsaver

I think you need to give yourself a break and try not to worry about Christmas. It is a stressful time for lots of people but often because people build up expectations of what a perfect family Christmas should look like and then worry it will not live up to it. It should be a happy time not stressful so if family make it stressful then leave them out of your arrangements so you are not disappointed.

Your kids will be happy if you and your DH are happy and if your family have a habit of letting you down I would either issue a firm invitation and request a firm answer or suggest you pop in on one of the days you are free. Don't pile any more stress on yourself. So long as you have your kids, your DH and some nice food and a few presents it will be fine. Play games, go for a Christmas afternoon walk if the weather is dry and as I say maybe suggest you pop over to your parents or siblings or ask them over for an hour or so on Boxing day or whatever. Also just because your PIL don't have other kids that does not mean your kids will not enjoy themselves as much. Maybe they might like being the centre of everyone's attention?

beanielou

Time to start your own family traditions I think.
It will be great without all the stress with your own wee family

ohdearhowdidthathappen

I'd have been upset too, that was a very hurtful way for your family to act.
I would personally set up some lovely family traditions within your nuclear family, that's what children remember. If you get invited elsewhere and it appeals, great. If not, chill at home with your OH and children..... xx

savingholmes

I can understand why you were hurt. Families are all weird. I think making your own traditions is a great way to go. Perhaps have an open house on a non bank holiday and invited friends as well so that they dilute family and make it less hurtful if your family don't come.

jwil

That's incredibly rude of your family.

I've done the opposite, since we got married, we decided that Christmas was our time alone and we have a very special time together just us. It's lovely and takes the pressure off disputes over who is doing what. It's also nice not to have to travel anywhere, we can both have a drink if we want to and the kids love spending the time playing with all their gifts.

Why not do something like that and then as others have suggested, do an open house event some other time over the period?

darrannah

What a hurtful situation to happen. But hopefully to make you feel a bit happier, 2 years ago we invited DH’s family as it had been an awful year for them all losing their mother and brother in law within a month of each other, there were 26 off us all together and it was the worst day ever, I was stressed, making sure everyone and everything when smoothly I hardly saw any of the day, I dontt think DH enjoyed it either cos he said “NEVER AGAIN” when they had all gone!!....I’ll never do it again, it’s just us 5 from now on.
As others have said make your own traditions with you own little family, that’s what the kids will remember

browneyed_girl

Thanks so much for the advice everyone. It’s reassured me that I’m doing the right thing by focusing all my energies on a Xmas at home with my own (not so little) family . Now to have a think about some of those new traditions we’re going to start...:think:

About to get some sleep after the night shift, but was organised enough to leave DH with a list of MSE activities . He’s currently picking up a second-hand (but looks like new) bike from an eBay seller as a Xmas present for DD2. Less than half the price of anything we could buy new and easily fits the gift budget . Other plans include dropping bags of reusable nappies over to a friend (who will make much better use of them than we do), taking a few items from the garage to the recycling centre and listing some kids toys on FB selling page to make some room for Xmas! Always feel better after a bit of a declutter, as though it somehow clears my thoughts as well.

browneyed_girl

Ugh...night shifts . They always leave me feeling disorientated and I’ve learned I spend more money when I’m tired. Will update with spends over the past few days once I’ve had a power nap and can remember what currency is.

Little bonus today though was finding £2.05 roadkill. Picked it up to pop in my sealed pot, thank you very much!

browneyed_girl

First chance I’ve had to sit down this morning to update my diary . Have already done the school run, put away a mountain of laundry (it seems only to make space for more that is currently in the machine), tidied up after the kids, made beds, completed some surveys, put DS down for his nap and sorted dinner prep! . Still lots to do but I feel I’ve at least made a dent in the never-ending cycle of housework.

So, straight into spends over the past few days...

Tuesday - £40 planned spend on bike for DD2 for Xmas. That was the sensible buy of the day. The rest...not so much. DH decided to show me an old Landrover for sale (only £8500) and talked at length about how he had already checked and was approved for a loan :mad:. Having just bought our current cars last year (and taking out a loan to do so), I wasn’t really in the mood to even entertain the idea (particularly as I was tired from night shifts) even though I was told over and over about how it was his ‘dream vehicle’. After a bit of an argument, I ended up stopping at Mr T on the way to work and spending £12.15 on chocolate and snacks, partly to share with colleagues but mostly to make me feel better. I always knew I was an emotional eater (hence the extra stone I can’t seem to shift), but it turns out I may also be an emotional spender. I didn’t even pay attention to the prices of anything I was buying :doh:. Turns out that DH may have the same problem. Came home the next day to find he’d spent £30.17 online on odd bits for his car which were definitely not a necessity. Oh well. At least I didn’t come home to find a Landover sat on the driveway.

Wednesday - a better day for spending and for getting on with DH, who apologised for the Landrover loan incident and accepted that it will be a goal to save for one once our debt is cleared and mortgage deposit is sorted . £15 planned spend on fuel and £8.09 on a few top-up items. Also spent £2 on some sweets as part of a Xmas present.

Thursday - as this was the only evening this week DH and I have together due to all our night shifts, we decided it would be worth it to pick up a few treat items for a special meal. Total spend £12.18 but totally worth it and I still have some low-cal salted caramel ice cream left for the week. Yum!

Today’s spends should amount to around £10 for some top-up items to last the weekend.

So, need to also update the unnecessary spend tally...

Me - £41.25
DH - £68.70
Kids - £21.19

One week left to go until the ‘loser’ is announced! I rather fancy my chances with this one! :rotfl: