Depressed lawyer - what do I do?

cursed_child

Hi,

To give some background, I trained and qualified at a huge international 'magic circle' firm. I'm currently four years 'PQE' which means I qualified as a solicitor four years ago, but when you add the two training contract years onto that which precede qualification, I have worked in private practice for six years. Together with my law degree and LPC, I have spent ten years either studying or working in a legal context. I qualified into more of a technical team, so not a banking / corporate team, but still an area of law that many people pursue.

At 3PQE, I moved firms because I was burnt out and in a toxic working environment and went to a smaller firm in the City but still reputable. Pretty much since qualification, I have had depressive feelings about the job and feelings of complete apathy and boredom. It wasn't necessarily the hours but the work I was doing. It felt repetitive, monotonous, uncreative, excessive focus on minute details most people do not care about, demanding clients, surrounded by other lawyers. At other times, I felt lonely and isolated and like I had made a huge career mistake even pursuing law in the first place. It also has never felt dynamic and not particularly 'global' in the sense that the area of law I practice is so jurisdiction specific. I also constantly felt like a failure and worthless and like everyone else my age had pursued a much more dynamic and interesting career paths e.g. in industry / tech / politics. There were also many periods of time where work was light and there was not much to do apart from BD and being pressured about billable hours.

When I moved firms, there was a bit of a pay drop, but still a good salary (£90K). I felt like it was a refreshing change at the time to get out of my previous firm and have a fresh start. After about six months, the same feelings started to creep back and I have had them for the last six months. I've been at my new firm for around a year and I just feel totally apathetic about the job and law as an industry.

I feel so alone every day feeling this way, and like nobody else does and do not know what to do. I have considered moving in-house or reducing my hours to part time, but I feel like there is a much bigger issue going on and that I'd simply be taking my baggage elsewhere.

I am 30 years old and it feels like the next decade and beyond is staring right at me. I have absolutely no desire to become a partner and the thought of practising law or even being in any kind of legal environment fills me with dread.

I have spent the last few months trying to devise some sort of exit plan in my head for the next year or two but finding the time to research options and think about what to do is so difficult when working in a law firm full time. I also own a property which I live in, and so I do have serious financial obligations which is contributing to my sense of feeling trapped and stuck in a rut.

My plan is to:

1. Rent out my property in the next year or two so that I can just have some space to breathe in terms of having someone else pay the mortgage and get some breathing space and reduce financial commitments. I am well aware that I would be getting into a business as a sole trader and all of the risks involved but I'd look to get decent insurance in place.

2. Use savings to pursue a one year masters degree with a view to changing careers completely. I have thought long and hard for years about, for example, going to business school, but never took any action and just dreamt about it as a possibility. Now, at 30, I feel like I wasted years of my life not pursuing something like this. I would hope to spend the next year while working preparing for the GMAT, if I go down that route, saving money, researching schools etc, or taking MOOCs etc to really understand what I want to do. I feel like taking this course of action will broaden my options as I feel as though I seriously over specialised in my legal field and that my options are really very very limiting in terms of what I can do.

3. If all fails and I can't change careers after my plan, I could return to do contract legal work as a stop gap to earn some money or on a worse case scenario go back into private practice, but not as a long term solution.

I would be really interested to know whether anyone has ever reached a point of true unhappiness in their previous careers and taken steps such as the above to remedy it and whether it all worked out. At 30, I feel a bit panicked as my plan would really only start when I am 31 or 32 but I feel I am spiralling further and further into a toxic state of apathy and depression the more I stay in law and that I will reach a point in life where it is truly too late to leave (e.g. golden handcuffs). I already have the pressure of a long term relationship and all of the expectations of marriage / buying a house together - but I want to rectify my professional situation first.

I really really feel like I am at a cross roads in life and as though I have spent my 20s sleepwalking into a career I really do not have any interest in. It has been a very privileged position to be, to be in your 20s earning that money, but it has left me feeling sad and empty. Every day I come home from work feeling deflated and sad and like I am not reaching my full potential.

Any help appreciated, even if it's as small as 'see a doctor', whether from ex-lawyers, current lawyers or anyone else.

CC

tyllwyd

Hi! I was sorry to read that you are feeling so down. The first thing I would say is that your own advice to yourself to 'see a doctor' seems like a very sensible idea, at least to see if they can help you in the short term.


I used to work at a small publishing firm specialising in legal publishing before going freelance as an editor. Almost all of the commissioning editors at the firm had originally qualified as solicitors or barristers, and had spent differing amounts of time working in practice before moving into publishing. (One went the other way, and took a conversion course and became a solicitor.) Many of the authors were former or practising lawyers. I also know former solicitors who have become copyeditors or proofreaders. So in my experience, I do know former lawyers who have been able to take their knowledge and use it in a slightly different work situation.


I'm not going to tell you that it's an easy or well paid route (or even promise that it will exist as a job in a few years time), but if you are thinking of moving towards freelance editing, have a look at the SfEP website.

Savvy_Sue

If you're in a long term relationship then that's the person you need to talk to first.

Dox

You and any number of other solicitors. It seems to be the career most people dream of and then can't wait to escape.

Get the medical issues addressed and once your mood begins to lift (and it will, even if that currently looks impossible) and you will be much better placed to start planning realistically and constructively. However trite that sounds, it is also true.

Have you looked at the possibility of going in-house, which often provides a much better work/life balance and more varied and challenging work? Some updating/retraining may be necessary, but not nearly as much as you are contemplating if you change career.

MovingForwards

With about 15 years under my belt I know exactly what you mean Cursed Child.

I moved into regulatory work, lasted 17 months and that was enough to finish my legal career.

I'm now about to embark on a part-time biology degree, hopefully followed by a master's, then see if I feel like studying any further. But with that I've stepped right down and am chasing admin roles for a work / life balance, with as many knock backs as expected due to my legal career.

steampowered

This is a very common point of view in city law.

The vast majority of people who qualify with Magic Circle firms are burnt out by the time they get to 3-4 PQE.

If you aren't enjoying it, it's time to start searching for another career. You don't necessarily have to be completely sold on the new job - just do something that sounds interesting and take it from there, you can always move again in a year or two if it doesn't work out.

You have an enormous range of options open to you.

Crazy_Jamie

As much as this is easier said than done, the first thing you need to do is let go of any notion that you're in this position because of some sort of failure on your part, because you've made bad choices, or because there is something wrong with you. As has already been said, the rate of attrition in the Magic Circle and the City generally is very high. It is well known and acknowledged that the legal work in that area is about as far from satisfying as you can get. The general idea is that you're trading interest and sociable hours for the relatively high remuneration, but when all is said and done that can only take you so far if you're unhappy.

Your experience is typical, but you still need to sort yourself out, and in that regard there are two related issues that you need to make sure are properly addressed. The first is your work, and the second is your mental health. It may be that addressing the former deals with the latter, but you do need to make sure that you properly address both.

In terms of your career, there are a lot of options available to you. I wouldn't immediately assume that you have no future in the law, because that isn't necessarily true, and there are a lot of options that you will have in terms of moving to firms out of the City, moving to a firm with different work and a different focus, or moving in house. But it may be that your future lies elsewhere, in which case you can and should make use of your savings (which is, after all, the benefit you've received from years of tough legal practice) in order to launch yourself into another area if you need to.

In terms of both exploring those options and addressing your mental health directly, you need to talk to people, and there are again a lot of options in that respect. The suggestion of seeing a doctor has already been made, but I'd really only go down that route if you think you might need medication. If you don't I'd actually start with a counsellor. Beyond that, have conversations with family and friends if you feel able to. Those conversations are often more about getting someone to listen and airing your feelings rather than actually receiving advice, but can help greatly.

One final point to make is that there has been a much greater focus on mental health among lawyers in recent years, both with solicitors and barristers. The Bar Council and the SRA have both launched various campaigns to highlight the issue. The SRA has a dedicated section on its website to inform solicitors of various sources of help depending on the specific difficulty that you're facing. Click here and have a look through (the 'other support' tab has a lot of helpful links). You could certainly do worse than calling one or two or the organisations on that list as a first step.

Finally, I haven't ever stated on these forums what I actually do, though it won't come as a surprise to anyone to say that I am in the legal industry myself. If you want to talk (anonymously or not) to someone else in the industry, I'm happy to talk, listen or do whatever else I can to help. Just drop me a PM and we can sort out something.

Above all, I wish you all the best with finding a resolution to this. There is often a tendency among lawyers not to seek help for a variety of reasons, including the (often subconscious) idea that they shouldn't be complaining because they are in a privileged and well paying job. That, of course, is wrong, and you are entitled to help and support as much as anyone else. Posting something like this suggests that you're willing to actively seek that help out, and I hope that you find it. With any luck in a couple of years you'll look back on this situation as a distant memory. Good luck.

bargainbetty

Hi Cursed Child,

I'm not a lawyer, but I've worked in a senior administrative capacity in law firms for more than 15 years. Please understand that what has been said about Magic Circle firms is very true - they really do burn through people and minds. I've seen one too many young people break down under the stress.

Does your firm have an Employee Assistance Programme in place? You can call them confidentially and start a counselling process with them. It won't be reported to your employers or affect your health insurance coverage.

I would talk to your doctor, just to check there are no underlying medical issues that may need addressing. It turned out I had high blood pressure and the meds for that vastly improved my overall situation.

I would also have a long and honest chat with your life partner about their expectations of marriage/kids etc - if you go forward with plans to change careers it will have an impact on them, and you owe them an honest discussion about how you are feeling and how you need to revise your situation.

If your area of law is specialist, try to think of other applications - could you work in an educational or charitable capacity? Could you work for a government agency, or cross-qualify to work overseas? Could it be a route to a new career - I've seen lawyers go into insurance, recruitment, accountancy, the army, scientific industries and economics, using their talents in a more fulfilling way. I've also seen young lawyers force their way into new practice areas which have changed their outlooks on their career.

On the other hand, a former junior paralegal started a dog-walking business and is significantly happier than he ever was in the office, so it really is up to you to decide what you actually want to do with your life.

From a personal perspective, I left a very lucrative and highly paying job at a US firm and took both time off and a lower paying role because it was the best thing for me and my health. The money makes it a gilded cage, but it's still a cage if you don't want to be there.

Last thought - does your firm offer a sabbatical? If so, you might find taking a few months to figure out what you want to do might be enough to boost yourself forward.

I wish you the very best, and please, be kind to yourself.

lincroft1710

It seems that 30 or thereabouts is an age of reckoning for many in the professions such as law and finance, judging by the number of similar threads on here.

pink_pirlie

I quit my career of 9 years at 30, took 2 years out of the U.K. and then came back, started to train in accountancy because I reflected on my break a lot about what motivates me and makes me happy and felt this a good fit.

I got early promotion despite not being fully qualified yet due to my prior experience being so much more than my peers. So do not think you'll have wasted any time for the past 10 years - you will bring all that experience to whatever you do next.

It was the best decision I ever made.

I'm happier in my job, my hours are the same (37pw) and as a bonus I earn c.33% more than I did before. I couldn't care less if I earned less as my priority was just to be happier.

My time out really allowed me to reprioritise what was important in life.
No one ever says on their death bed- I wish I'd worked more 70 hour weeks!

Only you can decide what's important to you. Almost every problem has a solution, you just need to know the right questions and contacts to help.

I really wish you luck in making your decision and like others have said, seek support for your mental health concerns as getting some headspace will mean you can make more informed and rational decisions.

Nicki

I agree with the suggestion of accessing help through employee assistance and don’t be afraid to take some time off short term if you need to.

Medium term could you consider a sabbatical where you try out a different lifestyle for a while or alternatively you are at the right kind of level to ask your firm whether they would let you do a secondment to one of your key clients. That would let you try out the in-house lifestyle and see whether it suits.

Ultimately you can downsize the house and lifestyle if you choose to change your career - you only wear golden handcuffs if you want to!

Also at 3-4 years PQE you are definitely not too senior to go into a different area of law or to tout yourself out via agencies as a freelancer.

Do you read Roll on Friday. There are usually lots of threads on that blog from others in your situation and it might help to see you aren’t unusual in feeling this way.