Martin Lewis: Financial abuse, joint accounts and managing money within relationships

mydebt

Hi after years of domestic abuse from my partner, the physical abuse has stopped but emotional and monetary aspect still ongoing. I opened my own account so my wage could go in as it went into a joint account. I bought my own car last year as he always bought me a banger that always broke down an i had to really on him to fix it, he always took the keys off me saying the car was hi he bought it. Any way now I’m trying to leave the house but it’s me paying all the bills he paid £60 last year that’s it. The mortgage is in joint name so I have to pay it he’s not working just sitting with the heating on that’s costing me 200 a month wat can I do. I have managed to put the house up for sale but he’s saying he won’t sign anything, why would he,  I feel so trapped.  Help

MovingForwards

@mydebt if your post on the marriage and relationship board (further up the forum), the members will guide you.

111claire

Interesting read. I contacted my bank as they feel it’s ok to send my bank card to my husband as we have a joint account when sending out cards to us both at the same time. Feel they are not abiding by their Financial abuse statement as this feels open to abuse. Plus I feel it is inherently wrong to give my card to someone else (letter was addressed to him) even if we are married. 

Letmesee

I'm looking for some advice please. My Uncle has left his wife after a good many years of, not abuse but unhappiness and unappreciation. Now I know she managed their finances and kept him on a tight rein, but they sold a house before moving and later splitting up. He tells me there is a surplus of cash from the house sale, but he has no idea where it is, and his son has said he's witnessed his Mum forge his signature in the past. How can he find out if there is an account that he might be named on? I have read up about tracing lost and dormant accounts through My Lost account, and I have helped him check his credit history etc, but how can we find active accounts with a positive balance? Although my fear is he'll no longer be named! He want's to start divorce proceedings, he's currently living back with his Mum and has nothing, my Gran has helped him clear the debts he came home with! I just want to help where I can without him spending out on a solicitor to find things!

Watty1

I just found this thread as a result of the newsletter and wanted to post.  Yes there is legal protection but the threshold is very high.  A lot of us are way below "the threshold" and so the police and courts will not act.

The moral of my story is if you are not married keep everything in your own name.  I met my ex and I owned a house outright thanks to a inheritance from a great aunt.  It was a small inheritance but I bought a very run down property (the only running water was a standpipe in the yard) and I renovated it over time. I met my ex and he side stepped the pre-nup agreement  I wanted (red flag but I was 'in love' and he said we were going to get married blah blah) and he moved in.  Eventually I sold that little house and banked the money. I wanted to rent it  out, he persuaded me not to because it would need a lot of work, what I had done was of a poor standard blah blah ....we bought a house together and I paid the deposit and the renovation but he was generous and it seemed fine.    Roll on more years and we sold that house and bought another and I found out our "joint" property was actually in "his" name.    I believed him when he said that was just an error.   Luckily the bank intervened and the next house was in joint names.   My money was put into the new property, and onwards we went.

Then he came up with the idea I should use my bonus money and spare cash to pay off the mortgage because then I could retire early if we were not paying a mortgage we could live off his money.  Sounded great.  I really really wanted to stop work. I had so many plans.    I used every spare penny to pay off that mortgage. After all he had a great retirement income plan. 

Mortgage paid off - and - I never retired, in fact he had an affair and then became really vile.   I'm 60 years old, have just paid him a large sum to keep the house we used to live in and he has left with two houses in his name, a lump sum of cash and a cast iron pension plan that means he can retire early with a large lump sum and a very good income.

Me, I've no money, a very nice house but no pension plan.  Eventually I will sell the house just to have money to live on  The amount in my pension pot should last me 6 to 10 years if I am lucky.

Out of money and with nothing but a book and an advice line I filed for an Occupation Order to get him to stop abusing me.   I wasn't sure I would get it, his solicitors said I wouldn't and sent me a bill for £3200 because they were confident I would fail and he would claim costs.    The judge was incredible, he saw through the situation, asked just two insightful questions and gave me the order.  That was a win for me but it was the only win and I didn't sleep properly for 2 weeks before that hearing.  

Yes I was manipulated throughout. Yes it was subtle. We never married.  I trusted him to be fair but no.   Survivors of economic abuse have been great but I am "below the threshold".  There is nothing in the law that protected me.   I tried, at vast expense, a Trusts of Land claim (TOLATA) but the private hearing concluded I was an intelligent woman and should have known the law and been smarter.

Abuse comes in large doses and small ones.  If you are waiting from the bruises you are missing 95% of all domestic abuse.

If you are cohabiting do not use any money for a partner without an agreement in writing signed and dated.  However happy you are.    

Do not believe the law will protect you. It wont.  The police were sympathetic but said they would not get a conviction because judges are not sympathetic unless the evidence is really strong (in other words there is a lot of violence, or, as one office put it, you have been locked in a cupboard and given £5 a week for everything).

I'm posting just to warn others.     Co-habiting couples have no legal protection at all.     If things are really bad, phone womens aid and/or the police and  get out.  If the abuse is low grade, get out anyway but don't believe the concept the law will help.  

LisaBrando

Hi, I read your blog above some time ago when earlier in my abusive divorce process, it is very helpful. We have now been living apart for 1.5 years and it was my understanding from the blog that I could now apply for a notice of association. We are legally divorced now, but have to sell the family home (jointly mortgaged) next year, I am paying all of the mortgage and everything else for our two children - no maintenance/contributions whatsoever. Now he can't emotionally abuse he is financially abusing... I just phoned up Experian and they told me they couldn't dissociate because of the joint product (mortgage) still held - but that's contrary to what you say above. What has others' experience been please? I know he's not in a good way financially and don't want this to get in the way of my next mortgage application when we sell the family home...

Elgol

A salutary lesson...following separation from my ex of 34 years I was contacted by a woman I did not know via FaceBook.  After chatting on line for a few weeks we met FTF and began an on-off relationship which lasted for three years.  We never lived together but spent a lot of time in each others company.

I was financially secure following the receipt of a redundancy package,  I later discovered she had left her job six months earlier and was receiving Universal Credit and PIP and was unable to work due to mental health issues.  As a result I ended-up paying for pretty much everything - dining out, weekends away, etc. - and also regularly gave her money to help with her bills, totalling around £8,000, £1,000 of which she had agreed to repay.

Prior to going to the USA for three months I moved out of my rented cottage and moved in to a smaller flat in the city.  She wanted to take-up the lease on the cottage and agreed to look after numerous paintings, furniture and other personal belongings which I had not had time to move before going to the US.  Halfway through that trip she ended our relationship.  When I returned to the UK she kept promising to return my belongings and repay the £1,000 she owed me, but five years later she has done neither.  I was aware I could take her to court under what is called a Simple Process in Scotland, but chose not to given the fragility of her mental health.

It is clear now that I was played and have to decide whether or not to finally take legal action.  The value of my personal belongings which she has kept is c.£5,000 plus the £1,000 in cash she had promised to repay me.  I would be interested in the thoughts of others on the Forum.

BrokeyMcBrokeface

Hi Janin, my situation was similar to yours re Child Maintenance.  My ex had an off shore trust fund in the BVI, on divorce he quit his job, and therefore all his income, assessed by the CMS as £500k per annum, were counted as 'unearned'.  He then moved to France, where his earned income was declared, but did not appear on the UK tax forms, so he managed to avoid CMS in that way too.  For 5 years he contributed just 1p a month in a 'voluntary' payment, you read that right ONE PENNY A MONTH to contribute to the housing, feeding and raising of three children, children he had very much wanted.  I made my MP aware of the situation, it seems that the use of off shore trust funds by wealth fathers to avoid Child Maintenance was not uncommon, and in 2019 the law was changed so that the 'unearned' income could be assessed for Child Maintenance.  At a CMS tribunal the Judge agreed with the CMS that his unearned income, available for assessment was £500k per annum, however she unilaterally decided that she would only assess £250k of that income for Child Maintenance.  He was ordered to pay towards only one of the children, for reasons I do not understand.  He did not pay the full amount instead making a derisory contribution but as he was contributing a little bit, the CMS decided not to pursue him.  Over the period he ran up a £15k CMS debt.  When my oldest child turned 18 I received a letter from the CMS saying they had decided not to pursue him for the £15k.  I wrote to my MP who wrote to the CMS (one of many letters he wrote on my behalf over the years) and insisted that they pursue the debt, which they then did - within a month the entire debt had been repaid by him, all it took was for the CMS to threaten to take him to court and he suddenly found and paid the arrears... 

Astonishingly, in the CMS tribunal there were already arrears built up, the CMS had received statements of account from some of his UK bank accounts, in one account alone he had over £100k credit - despite this, the Judge did not order him to immediately repay the arrears that were outstanding at that point....  She also assessed that he was spending time with the children, but that was clearly impossible, given that he was living abroad, and was rarely in the UK to see them.  As a consequence of his pretence he had overnight staying contact with the children, and in complete knowledge of the facts, that he had not even been in the UK and that the children had not travelled to where he lived either, the Judge reduced the amount owed on the basis of 'overnight staying contact' which demonstrably had never happened.

All that to say please do not give up on getting your arrears, whatever the CMS say, get your MP to write to them demanding that they act in accordance with their scheme rules, and seek enforcement of your £100k - your children deserve it.