Huge mess - short marriage and mortgage

ScaredTaytoCountyJersy

Hi all, I’m new here so sorry if I waffle on or seem a bit clueless. I’m really, really scared and I need some advice. I got married nine months ago. Sold my house the year before the wedding and used the proceeds to pay my husband's ex wife (he promised to give her £40,000 following their divorce) and to pay off debts from my previous divorce. Spent the last year supporting husband (then fiance) when he was out of work (including paying the mortgage and paying for the wedding.

Husband now working and we married in September 2018 and my name is on the house deeds. He initially tried to argue that it was pointless having my name on the deeds so I paid for it myself by doing some freelancing work. There was just something about how he was about it that didn’t feel right. He made a huge deal about going through the process, “misplaced” letters from the solicitors to delay things and constantly threatened not to sign the paperwork because I was being “demanding and unreasonable”. I had previously added him to my account and he goes through it obsessively, questioning every transaction and making me account for every penny. He’s taken my credit card before and spent on it without telling me until after the fact. I have a CC debt of £12,000 but I’m paying it off at £1,200 a month (the minimum payment DD is £300, the rest is me attacking it because I don’t want to be in debt). CC debt was run up when he was out of work, he kept saying he’d pay for a chunk of the wedding, honeymoon etc and then didn’t. I wanted a tiny do, registry office and then dinner afterwards with just family but he insisted on the whole thing. Two months before the wedding he threatened to call the whole thing off and make me and the kids move out and I was so scared of being homeless that I gave in and gave him what he wanted.

He’s constantly obsessing about money and says I have a spending problem. The reality is that when you’re running a house with 7 people in it then your costs are going to be much higher than your average family. I use comparison sites, eBAY etc etc, use ALDI / ASDA / LIDL but he’ll only shop at Sainsbury’s or ASDA and generally will refuse to buy own brand stuff so will complain if I buy school uniforms for my children but he’s fine to spend £12 a week on quilted loo roll (seriously - is it magic or something?). We have an account for bills - I put more money in every month, we save, we make overpayments on our mortgage and we don’t go overdrawn so it’s not like we’re in a financial crisis.

He recently went through my Amazon account to “prove” I’m irresponsible with money but all he had on me was a new phone that I bought refurbished (needed for freelancing work - my previous one was ancient and not fit for purpose any more) and some books for my eldest. He’s spent hundreds of pounds in the last year on smart watches and a brand new Galaxy phone. He bought a really expensive TV on black Friday last year and put it on finance - it was just over £2,000, interest free if you paid it off within 10 months but something like 37% interest of you went over the term. He then made no effort to help me pay it off so I managed to get some freelance work which paid it off.
Husband announced the other night that he didn't think that our relationship was working out and he thinks he wants a divorce. I know we can't apply for a divorce until we've been married for a year but I'm scared that I won't be able to afford to start again on my own and I have three young children.

Husband said he'd try and give me some money towards a deposit but it's not just that. It's the stamp duty and mortgage fees, and house prices have increased significantly in our area. Also he has no money of his own and none of his own savings. I know when he bought out his ex wife he struggled to get the bank to lend him the money so how’s he going to give me enough for a deposit for a mortgage in just my name?

Outstanding mortgage is £122,000 and we pay it every month. I've also started making over payments. I have three young children (one with special needs). He has two adult children that live at home (22 and 25). I earn 47,000 a year (small pension pot) and pay most of the bills. he earns 35,000 a year but suspect has a bigger pension (he was with BT for 19 years). I don't want spousal maintenance, I don't want his pensions but I do need to be able to afford a mortgage on my own. Last time the house was valued it was between £350,000 and £410,000. I’ve paid for improvements before I moved in (new circuit board and wiring, dealt with black mold etc) but because it’s been such a short marriage I’m worried I won’t be able to scrape together enough for a new house.

Any idea at all on where I stand or what to do? I’m so scared that he’ll kick me out and we’ll be homeless. I’ve made an appointment with a family law solicitor and waiting on that so I can start making some sort of plan but I feel so panicky and out of control. Thanks for reading if you’ve made it this far and sorry for the wall of text. Also - sorry if I don’t respond immediately - he’s started to monitor my internet usage and I need to be careful. Have posted this from work.

Splatfoot

This sounds an awful situation mentally for you to be in. You've definitely made the right decision in making an appointment to see the solicitor, make sure you write down everything, even if you use your post as a reference. He sounds a complete and utter control freak I'm afraid who knows exactly what he's doing and more than likely did the same to his first wife. As he has no dependants as such as his children are grown, the solicitor may advise that he be the one that needs to move out and you take on the mortgage in your sole name, it seems that you earn enough to cover it. I would pay down any debts as quickly as possible and keep things ticking over until you get that legal advice.

Angelschild

Hi,
Sorry to read your situation, definitely see a solicitor as soon as possible to weigh up your options.
I would say from what you've written you are absolutely suffering from emotional abuse, so make sure you mention this to your solicitor too.

"What constitutes emotional abuse?

There are a variety of types of behaviour that could be classed as emotional abuse. These include:

• Intimidation and threats. This could be things like shouting, acting aggressively or just generally making you feel scared. This is often done as a way of making a person feel small and stopping them from standing up for themselves.
• Criticism. This could be things like namecalling or making lots of unpleasant or sarcastic comments. This can really lower a person’s self-esteem and self-confidence.
• Undermining. This might include things like dismissing your opinion. It can also involve making you doubt your own opinion by acting as if you're being oversensitive if you do complain, disputing your version of events or by suddenly being really nice to you after being cruel.
• Being made to feel guilty. This can range from outright emotional blackmail (threats to kill oneself or lots of emotional outbursts) to sulking all the time or giving you the silent treatment as a way of manipulating you.
• Economic abuse. This can be withholding money, not involving you in finances or even preventing you from getting a job. This could be done as a way of stopping you from feeling independent and that you’re able to make your own choices.
• Telling you what you can and can’t do. As the examples above make clear, emotional abuse is generally about control. Sometimes this is explicit. Does your partner tell you when and where you can go out, or even stop you from seeing certain people? Do they try to control how you dress or how you style your hair?"

Good luck and take care.

DigForVictory

He's watching where your every tuppence goes? Sauce for the goose - track where his every tuppence has gone. Hand that info to the solicitor so you demonstrably are not in possession & keep uploading the data to dropbox &/or google images.

Keep up the working - it's part of who you are that he cannot touch & it's what will keep a roof over your head despite his scheming. When you see the solicitor, take your passport & driving licence or equivalent identity paperwork with you - it might be a good idea to open a bank account he doesn't know about. And maybe find an intermittent 'supplier' you need to send a bit of money to for work?

I hate to say please check out what protection is available to you in case of domestic violence but he doesn't sound the sort to take being told you want a divorce & him to move out calmly. And you know he'll use your children as weapons against you.

Can you afford a second hand tablet, bought using cash from CEX or the like? It's harder for him to monitor internet usage if he's monitoring the wrong device.

Can work offer any help, backup, alternative work location, HR support, does your union offer legal advice?

Very best wishes.

tacpot12

I wouldn't make any overpayments to the mortgage at the moment, I would put any spare cash into a savings account in your own name, or give it to a trusted family member for them to deposit in their name (make sure they are totally trustworthy and keep a record of what you give them).

I wouldn't make more than minium payments to the credit card. Don't worry too much about being in debt as you can clear the debt once you are free of your husband. I would cut up your credit card so that neither of you can use it to add to your debt.

You should get at least £40,000 back from your husband as you would have had that much equity in the house if he didn't owe his ex £40,000. A court will look at a 50/50 split assets and debts.

You should definitely look to include the pension assets you both have in any settlement. Even if you are not entilted to much of a share of his pension (and you probably aren't) this amount might be useful in negotiating other possible arrangements.

MortgageMamma

This is a dreadful situation to be in and it seems that right from the off this man was subtly controlling you and grinding you down. It is abuse and emotional abuse is taken as seriously these days as physical abuse.

You might not like hearing this, but he's seen you as a meal ticket all along.

This isn't the time to think about home ownership, money etc. All you should be concentrating on now is getting this !!!! hole out of your life. Obviously I understand your concerns for your future and your financial stability and I'm not saying they are not valid. But the damage this man is doing you and by default your kids is more important that money.

Do you have a legal adviser? Do you have family and friends around you to support you? can anybody come and stay with you temporarily to ensure you are not hurt or put under more emotional pressure than you can bear?

Don't suffer in silence. Go and reach out to your friends, family, talk to the kids school they will all support you. They may be able to refer you to an organisation that can support you with this domestic violence, and give you a way out and protection.

From one previously abused woman to another - take every care to look after yourself and your kids and get away from this man because if it gets even more bitter between you there is no telling what he might stoop to, he obviously is obsessed with money and control and once he realises you are taking control he could well react.

Open up a new bank account, have the bills transferred to that, get a new card - have that and your pin number sent to your parents house or a friends house - explain to the bank about the domestic violence, they WILL help you and you must protect both yourself and your children from coming to physical harm and also protect your income and stop this pathetic leech from sucking up any more of your earnings.

ian1246

If this becomes nasty, report it to Police. This sounds controlling and coercive - an offense in its own right.

There are lots of agencies out there which provide support to victims of domestic violence (which includes emotional and controlling abuse) - would recommend checking out the national centre of domestic violence website/charity. Lots of useful support available.

dimbo61

Do not move out !
Your soon to be EX can move out and take the 2 adult children with him.
If he needs money for a deposit he can ask his EX wife for some or all of the £40,000 she got off YOU.
Speak to a family solicitor asap and CAB

FIRSTTIMER

This is why single life is the way forward. I have many friends trapped in situations like this, annoys me and I know this post isn't helping the situation, but this is why I always maintain a certain level of independence to avoid me being single and suddenly back to square one.

csgohan4

hindsight is wonderful isn't it, you now understand why his prev wife left him. So sad you don't know these things until later.

I hope you get this sorted, but likely a solicitor maybe the only option