Advice about stubborn Grandparent who isn't well

LandyAndy

gettingtheresometime wrote: »

Well on the basis I can't get my mum to accept she needs a hearing a hearing aid I don't think I will be much help.

I've learnt that trying to bully someone into doing something they don't won't to is a pointless exercise, even if it's plainly obvious that it would benefit them.

No need to repeat yourself. We aren't deaf.

greyteam1959

Has she got a Life Line alarm pendant / set up ??
Would be worth the £15 per month for some peace of mind.

Mojisola

pioneer22 wrote: »

She has so far refused all help, she won't move, she won't have a carer, she just turns down any support and is very stubborn.

My parents became more amenable to accepting aids when we took the line "this will enable you to stay at home and keep your independence" - rather than seeing the aids as a failure and a sign of their loss of ability.

Rambosmum

If she has capacity then she has the right to make unwise decisions. It may take a serious incident such as a fall resulting in hospitalisation to make her realise that she needs to accept support. Even if she ends up in hospital she can refuse assessments and support, refuse equipment. They can't force her to accept it and neither can you.


All you can do is keep the lines of communication open, voice your concerns and makes periodic offers of help.


Older people (well all people really) can find it difficult to accept their limitations and need time to do this. Being old doesn't remove their right to make decisions for themselves, no matter how foolish and stubborn they may seem to concerns onlookers.

kingfisherblue

My mum is 85 and lives alone. She's in a bungalow and has been for half her adult life, so no worries about stairs. I am in the next street and see her regularly as well as speaking to her every day.

I was still concerned about falls, though, so a few years ago my sister and I suggested a mobile phone. She agreed to have one and carry it round. We pointed out that if she had a fall when feeding the birds, one neighbour is at work all day, next door on the other side was also elderly and he had dementia (now passed away), and there are fields at the back of the house. Even if she fell in the house, she wouldn't necessarily be able to reach her landline.

My mum now carries a Doro mobile phone in her pocket. It has an emergency button on the back, which when pressed contacts myself, my sister and my daughter. There are two speed dial buttons on the front. It has large sized numbers. The phone is basic, but is suitable for her needs.

Maybe something like this, which is PAYG (so no monthly fees) would be suitable. It doesn't take away your Nan's independence, but gives her some security in case she feels ill or has a fall.

Also, make sure that there is some way of getting into your Nan's property in case she is ever unable to answer the door. It could be that her children have keys, but it's best to check. I have the keys to my mum's, but if I am going to be unavailable for any length of time, I leave them with my daughter. We've discussed getting a lock box with my mum, and it's something that we're going to put up in the New Year.

Comms69

Money_maker wrote: »

If she does end up in hospital, they wont let her go home until she has been assessed. If she is allowed home, the OT will go first and see what equipment she needs to be safe at home. Might be worth mentioning to your nan that if she did have an accident she might not be allowed home so wouldn't it be better to try to reduce the risk.

That's not correct.


They wont discharge her until an assessment, but she can discharge herself at any point.

Out,_Vile_Jelly

Tell her you're happy to discuss options with her when she's ready, then stop mentioning it. Nagging just feeds stubbornness.

TBagpuss

As others have said, as long as she has capacity she is entitled to make her own decisions.

She may feel that moving would be far more traumatic that the possible risk of a fall (and of she has friends and a social net work at her current home, she may well be right, so far as any house move is concerned!)


I'd agree that trying to put pressure on her is likely to be counter productive.

It may be worth having a conversation with her and listen to what she has to say.

For instance, rather than saying 'you really ought to think about moving / getting a stair lift', frame it as "I / We really worry about the possibility you might have a fall, particularly with the difficulty you have with the stairs. Have you considered having stair lift put in?" and then listening to see what her thoughts and reasons are.

You could also ask her whether she would be willing to consider an emergency call button or phone - particularly if you frame it as being reassurance for you and her children, rather than lack of trust of her, on your/their part.

It's possible that she is scared of losing her independence and would rather take the risks involved in staying put that the certainty of disruption and a degree of loss of control, if she moves.

(Does she have a cleaner or any other help around the house? If so, it may be worth trying to arrange to be in when they are due, so that you can give that person emergency contact numbers and ask them to contact you or other family members if they have any concerns.

Finally, have you asked your Nan what arrangements she has in place? I have an elderly relation who is currently housebound. I have oferened to help with all sorts of things but she is very independent and doesn't want help from me - but she does have a cleaner and a gardener, and the gardener she has known for years, and he will do things like changing light bulbs for her. She has lots of friends form church (many as old as she is) who help her with shopping, and a neighbour who helps her with her laundry. I think she is more comfortable accepting help from them because it is reciprocal - she has often helped others in the past, and even now can do things like accept deliveries for the neighbours, and because these are people that she has a history of giving and receiving support over many years. It may be that you Nan also has her own support networks and is more comfortable using them than having to start asking for help from you.

badmemory

In my mother's last couple of years at home she made a couple of silly financial mistakes. She didn't turn to her most capable daughter who kept starting sentences with you ought & you should, she turned to me & I sorted them, because I had always said okay but if you need any help just ask. Using those tactics I managed to get her energy moved to a cheaper supplier & eventually do the monthly readings myself & get her an online (cheaper) account. Even managed to get her to accept having a bath lift fitted !

trailingspouse

At what age do we stop being determined and start being stubborn?


I'm not criticising the OP, but often old people are described as stubborn. Which is generally seen as a negative characteristic. If you thought of your nan as determined, with a steely resolve, her choices might start to make more sense and/or be easier to accept.