Still not started BR yet

Totallyfedup

Hi all,

We still have to sort out some things before we go BR, one of them being where to live.

My d/h originally wanted us to go down south and live with his brother who lives in a 2 bed apartment. I'll try to keep this short, my bro' in law really irritates me, I can manage a few days but no more! A couple of years ago we stayed with him (he was then in a 3 bed bungalow) as we were moving house - a new build. What should have been 3 weeks turned into 13! He runs his own business and apart from sundays was out of the place from around 8.30am til 8 or 9pm and still he drove me nuts!

My d/h has now realised that I really won't entertain that idea. I have been married to him for nearly 34 years and believe it or not I still feel like an outsider as far as his family is concerned. His sister lives in an apartment block just up from my B-I-Law and is the worlds most bossiest - she is the eldest at 56. Having recently divorced her wealthy solicitor husband for the second time! I don't feel sorry for him - he is so pompous!! His dad lives around 18 miles from them.

He is a bit of a tyrant and they all are scared of him and waste no time in stitching each other up by telling tales. I find this totally unbelievable at their ages and would totally prefer it if none of them knew about our pending BR.

I really feel we would be better off staying where we are and renting, don't particularly want to go begging cap in hand to any of them for anything. Life would be unbearable if we moved there, but can't help feeling guilty as I know that d/h is worried about staying where we are because of the stigma with BR.

Anyone think I'm being selfish? any advice would be gratefully recieved! It helps to post as really I've no one to talk to about this. Don't know if I want my side of the family to know about us going BR.

Thanks

fiveyearplan

Have you told your husband how strongly you feel about moving to brother in laws? I don't see how you could feeling the way you do.

seven2seven

One thing you learn as you go through BR is , that you have to talk. Firstly , the stigma with BR doesnt exist anywhere near as much as you would think. Most people I have told dont even bat an eyelid and pass it off with an "Oh , really". If that is the stigma then I am quite happy to put up with that .

Based on your post I think it would be very wrong to "move down south" ( although I love it here ) , but thats just my opinion.

I would tell your family though , most should be supportive , and if they are not then who cares . Main point is to get yourself sorted and therefore , GOOD LUCK ........ with the BR.

Totallyfedup

Hi,

thanks Fiveyearplan and Seven2seven for your replies, apologies for being so late.

Yes, I have told d/h how strongly I feel about moving down there, he also knows how I feel concerning his siblings tittle tattling on each other to their Dad!

I have nothing against the South - I am southern myself, we moved to the north-East to be near our daughter and two grandsons, her d/h is in the Royal Navy, so she is glad of the support and company when he is at sea.

I still don't think my d/h realises how serious I am about not moving down there. All I know is I won't give in - I can't, as it would have serious consequences for my sanity.

What worries me is as he is so concerned about the whole BR thing he may just say he'll go no matter what I think. After almost 34 years of marriage I really can't imagine life without him.

Sorry to go on, I'm sure I'm probably looking at the black side and I've got it all wrong!

No doubt I'll be posting again soon to say I've got it totally wrong, time for another talk with him me thinks!

Thanks everyone, so glad I found this forum.

madoldbat

Hi TFU.
Please can you get your OH to look at some of the posts on this board.
We live in a tiny village and no one that I am awear of knows were BR.
Havent told my family or OHs non of there business to be honest.
We told one freind (only then because we might have needed help with payments into a bank) and the children (12,15) because they had a right to know and hopefully learn from our mistakes.
If notice went in the paper we didnt see it.
Lots of people say its placed in the small adds some wear in small print
I have never noticed BR listings but then I was not looking for them.
Unless you tell people or their incredibly sad and read everything printed in the local rag I doubt anyone will know from the press.
Im not ashamed of being BR it takes a lot to admit your mistakes and face up to dealing with them.Its not an iedeal solution we would all have preferd to repay our debts but some times you have to admit defeat.And begin to rebuild your life with a great deal more information and care and a lot less stress.
I feel your OH is feeling vunrable and that being near his family will give him some support.From what you say this is not garunteed.
Stress how much your daughter needs you both,your grandchildren need you to.What a good example you can set them by guiding them.
Above all keep posting and have a winge,witter,fret or moan if you like we all do.But keep asking and posting and we will help were we can.
Big hug.

rog2

Hi TFU - what is your current housing situation? If you are going to lose your house, as a result of your bankruptcy, then you can apply to the local housing authority. You would NOT be forced to 'move overnight' and, normally, you would be given up to 12 months to find alternative suitable accomodation.
This is one of the areas of Bankruptcy where agencies like CAB can be extremely helpfull, so why not go and have a word with them?
From my own experience, I would say that you both need to be 100% together on a question like this, as you will be very vulnerable and any little disagreement could be enough to jeopardise your relationship at the time when you need each other most.

Totallyfedup

Hi,
thanks for your replies, I'll be back in a mo, did type a long message but couldn't post as I was logged out. I am so slow at typing!! so off for a coffee before trying again!

Totallyfedup

Hi,

Madoldbat and rog2 - thanks for your replies. I’ve typed this in word and transferred over to the forum so that I am not logged out before I have had chance to post it!

Madoldbat – d/h has read the posts on MSE, including mine and the replies of the original threads I started. He knows nothing of this thread though; don’t think that he would appreciate my writing about his family on the forum! Although truth be told he does agree that they can be a pain! No, I don’t think that we would get any support from them in all honesty.

D/h has not lived in his home town since joining the Army as a junior soldier, been married since adult service began in 1974 and when he left in 1989 we went to live in the West Country - recently moving to the North East. I have always refused to settle in d/h home town as I hate it there and I think we fare better away from his family and their bickering. It’s way too expensive to live there anyway.

The way I see it is this – it’s our mess and I think we should stand on our own two feet and sort it out ourselves.

rog2 – you are right, we do need to be 100% united on the where to live issue and I think d/h gets where I’m coming from, but whether he fully truly understands how I feel is another matter. I only told him a month ago how much of an outsider I felt with his family - even after nearly 34 years of marriage, he was genuinely shocked!

I like to think we have a strong marriage, but I think we will become very vulnerable when we are going through BR and that’s what scares me. I can’t agree to live somewhere that will make me feel so bad that I know I would end up resenting d/h for it. Having said that, that’s how he could feel if we stay here.

Like I said, we will have to have another long talk to try and resolve this problem as it’s making me feel ill.

Rambling over, thanks guys for listening to me, I appreciate it so much.

wherediditallgo

I don't think you're being selfish at all. Even when people aren't in as much debt as we've been, they sometimes have to think about living with family, whether they be relatives by blood or by marriage. It's hard enough to do that with people you get on with, but when someone irritates the hairs off you it's a nightmare you can do without. Also, you can do without feeling you owe something to someone like that. And his place isn't big enough for you anyway - with at least 3 of you in a two-bedroom flat that you don't even want to be in, you're going to feel like you're walking on eggshells lest you invade your brother-in-law's space or annoy him, or give him anything to report back to the rest of the family.

At this time, you & your OH need to support each other wherever you live. My parents came to this country in the fifties, met on the train, got married with barely a penny between them, & my mother insisted they rent a room together rather than live with her father rent-free, because she knew what her father could be like & didn't want to have to choose between him & my dad under her father's roof. In your brother-in-law's home, your OH is going to feel torn - support his OH & risk losing the roof over your heads, or support his brother & risk the wrath of your tongue. You're much better off staying together somewhere neutral - even if it's small or a bit inconvenient for work, at least you'll both be together & on the same side. Talk to your OH - explain to him why you'd prefer not to move in with his brother, but don't slate him completely. Whatever else is annoying about him, if he was prepared to have you both in his home with such limited space available, he must have some good points.

Totallyfedup

Hi and thanks wherediditallgo for your message.

Yes, I agree with what you say about living somewhere neutral - that is exactly what I think is the best option for us. His brother has not actually offered us to stay with him; my d/h just suggested that’s what we could do. D/h has not asked him because he knows how I feel. I can’t help thinking that as BR is becoming imminent; he will try to convince me that by staying with his brother would be the least expensive way and try to make me feel guilty.

I just don’t want to get embroiled in their petty squabbles because I know that it will cause a rift between d/h and me. I go out of my way to fit in with his family but it still feels like I’m on the outside looking in. Perhaps it’s me that has the problem, but whatever it is I can’t help the way I feel.

Still, it will have to be sorted out one way or another and soon.

Totallyfedup

Hi all,

Have sorted the “where to live” problem, d/h has come around to renting here (will have to hand keys in to our mortgaged property). Does anybody know or recommend:

Would it be wiser to find a rental place and moving in beforehand, meaning emptying house of our possessions b4 handing keys back?

Read a scary thread earlier concerning the taping up of repossessed properties – eek!

Although we know that we have no choice other than to go BR, we are trying to hold off til January; we think we may be able to pay our Jan mortgage payment (due early Jan).

The reason for this is we have our 26 year old son living with us (did a stint in the RN), anyway, he moved here with us in January this year. He applied (back in January) to join the Police service as a PCSO (no comments please;)), after passing all their criteria and waiting all this time for a start date, it has finally come through. He starts training on the 14th Jan 2008.

Our concern is if we did go BR before then, could it affect his pending job?

Also, he has agreed to be a guarantor for us concerning a rental property, better than having to rely on non immediate family I think!

The good news is- although I know our debt is still very bad, the original figure of 150,000 was over estimated and it’s around 90,000 plus the mortgage of course.

We really aren’t trying to put off the inevitable (BR) but think if we can wait until later Jan or even early Feb – we should.

Has anyone got any thoughts on this? Any advice would be gratefully received. You are a good bunch on here and I always appreciate your help!