With a little help from my friends

halp...

TL;DR:

I've come here to sheepishly and meekly ask for help... please.

Me: Lapsed member under a new name, attempting a fresh start. ADHD, own company, married, own house (with DH), pregnant with first child, fiercely independent, hopelessly disorganised, no work/life balance. Extremely worried about the future.

Debts: About £35,000, all on credit cards. (This is an estimate - not totted it up for a while.) Don't know how I got to this level. Generally overspending a little bit every day for the past 20 years, despite trying to cut back, and credit card companies offering me more and more credit.

Glimmer of hope: I'm considered to be "not in trouble" (hahahahahaha!) as I always manage to pay the minimums (often by shuffling debt around as the amount I owe creeps up). I've never had a CCJ or filed for bankruptcy, though I've seriously considered it.

The crux: I don't want to raise a child under £35,000+ of debt. I'm terrified about how my disorganisation and complete inability to manage my money will affect our child.

Why am I here?: Looking for tips, tough love, and a team behind me. I need help avoiding complacency when things are going well, or slipping back into my old habits when life chucks a challenge at me. I need to not disappear like I did last time. I'm probably going to be selfish in here for a while but I'm hoping I'll eventually be able to pay forward any help I receive.

~~~
Hello everyone,

(Here's a very long and very self-centred first post. I've realised every paragraph starts with "I" )

I had my first lightbulb moment in 2011 and joined MSE then. I was so excited. Everyone was so helpful and nice. I loved reading the debt-free roll-call and was convinced that would be me within a few years. I started paying off my debts for the first time ever and thought I'd never go back to living beyond my means. Since then I've repeatedly fallen off the wagon, climbed back on with three or four more lightbulb moments and now, instead of feeling the enlightenment and clarity I felt when I had my first lightbulb moment(s), I just feel like I'm banging my head against a wall Some people who commented on my debt-free diary at the time had even larger debts than I did and have now long been debt-free, which I find inspiring and disheartening at the same time - that could've been me, if only I'd tried harder.

I've decided to re-join under a new name partly to attempt a fresh start, and partly because I now have my own company and want to be as anonymous as possible to avoid any risk of my company being associated with my personal debt. Not that anyone would probably link my old name with my company but I dunno, I'm paranoid... anyway I guess a fresh start is good. Also, some significant things have changed since then.

I was recently diagnosed with ADHD, which explains a LOT. And I'm pregnant with my first child. As the reality of this has sunk in, it's just made me increasingly worried about how the hell I'm going to a) afford a child and b) teach it any sort of money management when I can't even manage my own. I do not want to raise a child under all this debt.

I'm married, but because I've always felt so much responsibility for my debts, I've created the situation that we keep our finances separate. He pays for some things, I pay for other things, and we haven't pooled resources because I've always wanted to clear my own debts first. But I've been in debt for 20 years and I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever get out.

I admit I used to consider suicide as a way out. Not *very* seriously, but it was always there as an option. But now that I'm pregnant, that option has gone, and perhaps that's another reason I'm having this different kind of lightbulb moment now.

I want to do everything I can to avoid bankruptcy or a DMP, for two reasons: 1) we have a house that we worked hard for and love and don't want to risk losing; and 2) I'm the only person in my company (for now), so I'm worried my personal financial circumstances may affect company stuff and I don't want to risk losing my company - it's (almost) everything to me, for various reasons.

I'm tempted to close all my credit card accounts (leaving them as lump sums to pay off) but I've never had the courage (even to cut up my cards) because I wanted to keep the space for interest-free shuffles, but of course the debt just keeps creeping up. I also keep them for emergencies, as I have no savings, but inevitably end up using them for things of varying importance - sometimes to fix my car, sometimes to buy Christmas presents so I don't turn up to the family empty-handed), and other times to "live a little" because I'm fed up of constantly worrying about money, which I know is stupid. Having these debts means that I feel that no matter how much I budget, I can never really "afford" anything, because I have no money of my own.

I'm convinced I can pay these debts off by simply being better organised - managing my money better, sticking to budgets better, planning meals better, shopping around better, etc. But I find all these things almost insurmountably difficult, which I now understand is down to ADHD. Example: it takes me 1.5 hours to plan 5 days of meals for two (I don't know how, it just does, and I find it exhausting) - making sure they're healthy AND cheap takes me much longer. Perhaps it will get easier with medication, but I can't start meds while I'm pregnant or breastfeeding, so (all being well) it'll be a couple of years yet.

I have a habit of thinking I know what I'm doing (and therefore I don't need help), but history shows otherwise. And as with everything I do in life, if I feel I'm managing my money well, I become complacent, and before I've even realised it I've ended up back at square one. But now there's a new human on the way, I seriously need to sort my sh*t out.

So for the first time in my life, I'm asking for help. I'd be really grateful if you lovely, wise people could help me on this journey - give me any tips on what to do and how to get out of this mess in the best way possible. Tough love and a slap round the face are both probably needed. Kind encouragement also gratefully received. I feel like I need a mentor, or an accountability group, who'll help me back on the wagon when I fall off again (because I know I will), and drag me back to the forums if I disappear. It's really selfish of me to expect that but I wonder if there are any generous and reliable people out there who'd like a project like me... I've always been fiercely independent but I think for this, I might need a team behind me.

Anyone with me...?

Yours hopefully...

halp...

Starmummy

I can see you've really poured your heart out in this post.

I feel so many similarities between my struggles and yours.
I'm going to subscribe and come along for the ride if you'll have me.

SM

SavingAFuture

Here for support & encouragement!

kazwookie

halp... wrote: »

TL;DR:

I've come here to sheepishly and meekly ask for help... please.

Me: Lapsed member under a new name, attempting a fresh start. ADHD, own company, married, own house (with DH), pregnant with first child, fiercely independent, hopelessly disorganised, no work/life balance. Extremely worried about the future.

Debts: About £35,000, all on credit cards. (This is an estimate - not totted it up for a while.) Don't know how I got to this level. Generally overspending a little bit every day for the past 20 years, despite trying to cut back, and credit card companies offering me more and more credit.

Glimmer of hope: I'm considered to be "not in trouble" (hahahahahaha!) as I always manage to pay the minimums (often by shuffling debt around as the amount I owe creeps up). I've never had a CCJ or filed for bankruptcy, though I've seriously considered it.

The crux: I don't want to raise a child under £35,000+ of debt. I'm terrified about how my disorganisation and complete inability to manage my money will affect our child.

Why am I here?: Looking for tips, tough love, and a team behind me. I need help avoiding complacency when things are going well, or slipping back into my old habits when life chucks a challenge at me. I need to not disappear like I did last time. I'm probably going to be selfish in here for a while but I'm hoping I'll eventually be able to pay forward any help I receive.

~~~
Hello everyone,

(Here's a very long and very self-centred first post. I've realised every paragraph starts with "I" )

I had my first lightbulb moment in 2011 and joined MSE then. I was so excited. Everyone was so helpful and nice. I loved reading the debt-free roll-call and was convinced that would be me within a few years. I started paying off my debts for the first time ever and thought I'd never go back to living beyond my means. Since then I've repeatedly fallen off the wagon, climbed back on with three or four more lightbulb moments and now, instead of feeling the enlightenment and clarity I felt when I had my first lightbulb moment(s), I just feel like I'm banging my head against a wall Some people who commented on my debt-free diary at the time had even larger debts than I did and have now long been debt-free, which I find inspiring and disheartening at the same time - that could've been me, if only I'd tried harder.

I've decided to re-join under a new name partly to attempt a fresh start, and partly because I now have my own company and want to be as anonymous as possible to avoid any risk of my company being associated with my personal debt. Not that anyone would probably link my old name with my company but I dunno, I'm paranoid... anyway I guess a fresh start is good. Also, some significant things have changed since then.

I was recently diagnosed with ADHD, which explains a LOT. And I'm pregnant with my first child. As the reality of this has sunk in, it's just made me increasingly worried about how the hell I'm going to a) afford a child and b) teach it any sort of money management when I can't even manage my own. I do not want to raise a child under all this debt.

I'm married, but because I've always felt so much responsibility for my debts, I've created the situation that we keep our finances separate. He pays for some things, I pay for other things, and we haven't pooled resources because I've always wanted to clear my own debts first. But I've been in debt for 20 years and I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever get out.

I admit I used to consider suicide as a way out. Not *very* seriously, but it was always there as an option. But now that I'm pregnant, that option has gone, and perhaps that's another reason I'm having this different kind of lightbulb moment now.

I want to do everything I can to avoid bankruptcy or a DMP, for two reasons: 1) we have a house that we worked hard for and love and don't want to risk losing; and 2) I'm the only person in my company (for now), so I'm worried my personal financial circumstances may affect company stuff and I don't want to risk losing my company - it's (almost) everything to me, for various reasons.

I'm tempted to close all my credit card accounts (leaving them as lump sums to pay off) but I've never had the courage (even to cut up my cards) because I wanted to keep the space for interest-free shuffles, but of course the debt just keeps creeping up. I also keep them for emergencies, as I have no savings, but inevitably end up using them for things of varying importance - sometimes to fix my car, sometimes to buy Christmas presents so I don't turn up to the family empty-handed), and other times to "live a little" because I'm fed up of constantly worrying about money, which I know is stupid. Having these debts means that I feel that no matter how much I budget, I can never really "afford" anything, because I have no money of my own.

I'm convinced I can pay these debts off by simply being better organised - managing my money better, sticking to budgets better, planning meals better, shopping around better, etc. But I find all these things almost insurmountably difficult, which I now understand is down to ADHD. Example: it takes me 1.5 hours to plan 5 days of meals for two (I don't know how, it just does, and I find it exhausting) - making sure they're healthy AND cheap takes me much longer. Perhaps it will get easier with medication, but I can't start meds while I'm pregnant or breastfeeding, so (all being well) it'll be a couple of years yet.

I have a habit of thinking I know what I'm doing (and therefore I don't need help), but history shows otherwise. And as with everything I do in life, if I feel I'm managing my money well, I become complacent, and before I've even realised it I've ended up back at square one. But now there's a new human on the way, I seriously need to sort my sh*t out.

So for the first time in my life, I'm asking for help. I'd be really grateful if you lovely, wise people could help me on this journey - give me any tips on what to do and how to get out of this mess in the best way possible. Tough love and a slap round the face are both probably needed. Kind encouragement also gratefully received. I feel like I need a mentor, or an accountability group, who'll help me back on the wagon when I fall off again (because I know I will), and drag me back to the forums if I disappear. It's really selfish of me to expect that but I wonder if there are any generous and reliable people out there who'd like a project like me... I've always been fiercely independent but I think for this, I might need a team behind me.

Anyone with me...?

Yours hopefully...

halp...

Have you had a chat to your husband about all of the above?? does he has any idea how you feel? I would strongly suggest you sit down and have a long talk if you haven't.

All the debt you say has been built up over the last 20 odd years or so, do you have any thing to show for it? is there any thing you can sell?

You need to do a SOA to show what you are spending, keep a spending diary, ie write down everything you spend.
You will need to up your income to help pay the debt off, or get your husband to help you.

What are the interest rates you are paying on the debt.

You say your are independent and you are asking for help, now is the time to take on board what everyone will tell you.

Good luck

Homegrown0

Just stopping by to show support and follow your journey.

Having a baby on the way will hopefully give you a renewed sense of commitment to clearing the debt and perhaps saving to tide you over for any maternity leave you may have (which is a tricky time, financially from experience).

All the best!

halp...

Thanks so much everyone. Sorry for the stupidly long post - didn't even realise how long it was, just all came rambling out, surprised (and grateful) that anyone read it at all! This one's not much better

kazwookie wrote: »

Have you had a chat to your husband about all of the above?? does he has any idea how you feel? I would strongly suggest you sit down and have a long talk if you haven't.

I have - we've been together over 10 years and I've always been open about it so he's known from the start and through all my lightbulb moments. I've also mentioned it during this recent panic, with the last chat being yesterday.

He thinks I should cut up my cards. I'm scared to for the reasons I mentioned somewhere in my long ramble (emergencies and low-interest balance shuffles) but maybe it's time I did. He can probably bail me out in a genuine emergency. I just worry that eliminating big source of emergency money just before we have a baby is a stupid move. But maybe racking up more debt is an even more stupid move...

(Ironically, he also had quite a lot of debt a few years ago and I played a big part in getting him on the road to paying everything off. He now has a job that pays enough that he doesn't have to think about his debts any more, they're just getting paid slowly but surely. He's saving money and has a pension and everything. If only I could get there too. )

kazwookie wrote: »

All the debt you say has been built up over the last 20 odd years or so, do you have any thing to show for it? is there any thing you can sell?

I've been thinking about this a lot. Generally, no, as I don't spend lavishly - it's just bits here and there. We have a lot of musical instruments that we could probably get a bit of money for but I'm extremely reluctant to get rid of them as they feel part of my (and his) identity, even though they're just gathering dust at the moment. We seem to be living in a perpetual state of "when we get X sorted, we'll live a normal life with hobbies etc." Perhaps if they'd pay off a huge chunk of my debts I'd be more tempted to but really it'll be a few hundred quid, which won't even make a dent, so I'm really reluctant to get rid of them for that much.

We did a car boot sale together once and spent 8 hours in the freezing rain and wind and made £25. We vowed we'd never do it again. I would have earned a LOT more spending that entire time working (whether paid work, or marketing to bring in paid work). Same with eBay, I've tried selling on there and the amount I get for the stuff I have just doesn't seem worth the time and effort, especially once I take into account the money I spend on envelopes, postage, etc.

I mentioned ADHD because it takes a lot for me to organise myself enough to do stuff like selling on eBay, making sure I send the right things to the right buyer, etc. I spend a disproportionate amount of time selling little things for pennies and always end up thinking it would be better just to do more hours in my job - except that I already have no work/life balance as it is.

I guess I could sell my wedding dress...

With all that said, we do have a LOT of clutter that I'm always trying to get rid of. I dunno how much of it would be worth trying to sell, given what I've said above. We've just been taking it to charity. Maybe I should look at the eBay board on here again.

kazwookie wrote: »

You need to do a SOA to show what you are spending, keep a spending diary, ie write down everything you spend.

Yep. SOA is next on my list - I'll try and get that up here tonight or tomorrow. I've completely lost track of my spending so it'll take me a long time to get realistic numbers together. The spending diary is another thing I have trouble with but thank you for the kick - I'll dust off my YNAB and start trying (again) to use it diligently.

kazwookie wrote: »

You will need to up your income to help pay the debt off

Yeah. I've been trying everything to do that and it's just not working. I don't even know why it's not working - I need to sit down and try to assess why. I've got my average hourly rate up to almost £29/h but I guess I waste a lot of time during the day. My last hope is that ADHD meds will help with that, but it might be a couple of years before I can start them. I've also invested a lot back into in my business this year so I've not had much left to pay myself. I'm trying to make my company self-sufficient before I go on maternity leave so it keeps ticking over while I'm away.

kazwookie wrote: »

or get your husband to help you. What are the interest rates you are paying on the debt?

How much my husband helps me already will become clear (to me, too) when I do the SOA. My mum has also helped me by moving a lot of debt onto her credit cards at 0% for me to pay back. I've got most of my interest rates down to 0-8%. I'll make that clear in the SOA too.

kazwookie wrote: »

You say your are independent and you are asking for help, now is the time to take on board what everyone will tell you.
Good luck

Thanks so much I've always had a habit of doing things my own way but it's clear my own way doesn't work, so I'll do my very best to act on any advice I get here.

halp...

Homegrown0 wrote: »

Just stopping by to show support and follow your journey.

Having a baby on the way will hopefully give you a renewed sense of commitment to clearing the debt and perhaps saving to tide you over for any maternity leave you may have (which is a tricky time, financially from experience).

All the best!

Thank you! I'm really worried about maternity leave. I don't think I'll manage to save anything for it. (But maybe I will be able to?? I assumed I wouldn't but I won't write off that option just yet!)

I also really don't want to waste all my maternity leave thinking about money - I want to enjoy the time with my baby I'm always (24/7) feeling guilty about work and money, and I think I'll really regret it if I spend the first few months (and more) of my child's life preoccupied with the same guilty thoughts

But yes, imminent parenthood has definitely re-motivated me - mainly to learn how to budget and stick to it.

Homegrown0

Without knowing your exact circumstances, I can't really comment but for my second mat leave (a surprise second child...) we had to seriously tighten our belts and live on my husband's wage with the basic SMP as income for me (1/4 of my normal take home pay). It was tough but we'd just moved house and all our savings had been swallowed up and of course, we had this debt to keep on top of.

We just had to make different choices. Instead of going out for coffee and lunches with people because i was 'off' I'd invite people round, visit them at their house for a coffee or meet people for a walk in the park. It's also a great idea to look into free baby groups and playgroups in your local area - there'll be plenty that charge a packet but there'll also definitely be some free ones. My wee ones loved Bookbug from being a baby and it was free and a nice way to get out the house.

I'm sure you'll be preoccupied with the chaos of being a new mum, rather than guilty money thoughts but I suppose you should spend the next few months (if you have them- no idea how far along you are) trying to get yourself into the best position possible to not be dragged down by money.

Even just a little saving for a rainy day or an emergency will go a long way.

Have you done an SOA (statement of affairs) yet? Given how overwhelmed a lot of this is making you (it would anyone!) then it might help to lay everything down on paper and have some insight from people who have been there on how best to cut things back where you can and make the most of your situation? Just a thought!