my mother found out about my debts!

emmamc77

Hi

I used this forum last year at the start of my debt repayment plan. we owed 65K at the start. Over the last year and a bit we have cleared over 20K of debt. We feel that we have done well, and despite a slight blip, we have managed to stay on track. Our current debts stand at around 43K, so still a way to go.

My mother lives abroad and asked to use my laptop last week. I keep a detailed spreadsheet of our debts to show total amounts, amount I had left this open and on the screen so she she saw it.

To say she was horrified was an understatement. She is 68 and comes from a generation of no debt. Owing 1K would be a big deal for her, so 43K blew her mind. I know that she wasn't snooping - I definitely left the spreadsheet open

Needless to say this tainted our last couple of days together. She was/is seriously worried despite me reassuring her that it is all in hand. I have asked her not to share it with anyone else and I trust that she wont.

I have felt really positive about our debts over the last year but now I feel a bit S****Y to be honest, in the way that I did when I first came to this forum last year.

I suppose her reaction brings it back to the forefront that we are actually still in a precarious position financially.

We are not on a formal DMP or anything like that. Thankfully we are in decent jobs and have been able to overpay each month. I have to keep reminding myself that the total level of debt is not the most important factor, but I do feel a bit rubbish after this week;s events.

Willing2Learn

Well done on knocking off £22,000 from your overall debt. You should feel pride in that. Having a spreadsheet and a workable budget is an achievement and you deserve to feel good about things. As you said, your mother is from a different generation, from a world without debt, so there is nothing to feel s****y about. What's done is done. Anyway, if you keep on the same budget, you'll have it clear in a couple of years. You'll be debt free. Then you will feel good...:)

D_M_E

Well done on your achievement so far - the more you clear, the better you will feel.

Would it help with your mother if you got her onboard - she may well have some suggestions for clearing the balances faster and at least you will not be (possibly) antagonising each other.

Whatever she suggests, you only have to listen but she may well make some worthwhile suggestions - also be positive and point out to her the amount you have managed to clear in the past year, she cannot help but be impressed by the effort you have made.

emmamc77

She did acknowledge that I had made progress. SHe wasn't angry or mad, must worried and worst of all, disappointed

I imagine that she will be asking me for updates!

I might direct her to this site so that she can see that I am not alone!

PasturesNew

It is a staggering amount for older people.... we remember what used to happen to people in debt.... horrible things happened.

Some horrible things still happen to some people in debt.

But, in the past, it was worse. You might as well have been a leper in the streets back then, ringing a bell and yelling "UNCLEAN, UNCLEAN" - because people would have crossed the street as you passed... you'd have lost all local respect and never been trusted with anything, not a penny, ever again.

The shame that brought down on the family was a HUGE thing, MASSIVE. And going a little earlier people would have been sent to Debtor's Prison to live until their debts were paid off. These past things were in many people's knowledge/experience/family history - so the "horror" lives on.

She's just worried about you .... and there's nothing you can do about that, nor can you clear the debts sooner .... just beaver away and clear the lot ASAP so you can put her mind at rest... for she won't be resting until she feels you're "in the clear".

emmamc77

PasturesNew wrote: »

It is a staggering amount for older people.... we remember what used to happen to people in debt.... horrible things happened.

Some horrible things still happen to some people in debt.

But, in the past, it was worse. You might as well have been a leper in the streets back then, ringing a bell and yelling "UNCLEAN, UNCLEAN" - because people would have crossed the street as you passed... you'd have lost all local respect and never been trusted with anything, not a penny, ever again.

The shame that brought down on the family was a HUGE thing, MASSIVE. And going a little earlier people would have been sent to Debtor's Prison to live until their debts were paid off. These past things were in many people's knowledge/experience/family history - so the "horror" lives on.

She's just worried about you .... and there's nothing you can do about that, nor can you clear the debts sooner .... just beaver away and clear the lot ASAP so you can put her mind at rest... for she won't be resting until she feels you're "in the clear".

wow! Not sure that I needed to read that, but thanks for posting anyway

She has mentioned anything quite as extreme as that. I think it;s more to do with the fact that she has always saved up for everything. She didn;t even like having a mortgage and paid it off early. I totally get her being upset. I wouldn't want my child to be in debt either

I just want her to realise that the total amount of debt isn't necessarily the main issue.

I would never tell her, but I know that my brother has around 25K of CC debt which is causing him some issues ( he asked me for a loan!!!! - I politely declined). He is struggling to find the minimum payments as his wife is not working and they have a ridiculous mortgage. He is in a far more precarious position that us, despite our debts being 40K more than his at the start.

DawnW

Well, there are plenty of older people posting on here, so I am not convinced it is entirely a generational thing. I am nearly 65, and OH and I were in debt when the children were young. Not through frivolous spending, just not enough coming in to make ends meet, and I suspect it is the same for many families now. It was a worry at the time, but we struggled and paid it all off, including interest, as (so far as I am aware) there weren't DMPs or similar back then, and I never knew of any instance where creditors froze interest etc as they may do now. I do remember however that bankruptcy was a really big deal back then, and if you couldn't actually pay the debts it would have been very shaming. But for our debt, we just got on and paid it, much as the OP is doing.

Credit was much harder to get in the past, and lenders made fairly certain they would be paid back, before they would give credit. Apart from a loan I took out to help my daughter out about 15 years ago (which was paid off way before the due time) and our mortgage, which we also paid off early, we haven't wanted, or had, credit since, despite being offered it every time I pick up the post / log into online banking etc. We can afford to save for things now, but I realise that this is quite a priviledged position to be in. We also don't want loads of 'stuff', buy secondhand where possible, avoid waste etc.. but then we always did that, even when we had the debt. There weren't so many temptations back then, certainly.

Good luck to the OP - if I were your Mum, I would be worried for you, nothing else, but I would also recognise that you have made terrific progress as far as repaying your debt is concerned

DD265

I'm willing to bet that the worst part for her is that you didn't tell her/confide in her. It'll be a shock too.

Ultimately our loved ones (hopefully!) just want what's best for us. I don't think it matters how old we get, we're still our parent's children and it's still their job to worry about us.

I suspect in a couple of days you'll be relieved that she does know and it's not a secret any more. She'll get over it, and whilst she may never be proud of you getting into the situation in the first place, I'm sure she'll be proud of you handling it well and sorting it out.

Plus - like you say you've been reminded that your financial position isn't as secure as you'd like, and perhaps that isn't such a bad thing?

DCFC79

emmamc77 wrote: »

wow! Not sure that I needed to read that, but thanks for posting anyway

She has mentioned anything quite as extreme as that. I think it;s more to do with the fact that she has always saved up for everything. She didn;t even like having a mortgage and paid it off early. I totally get her being upset. I wouldn't want my child to be in debt either

I just want her to realise that the total amount of debt isn't necessarily the main issue.

I would never tell her, but I know that my brother has around 25K of CC debt which is causing him some issues ( he asked me for a loan!!!! - I politely declined). He is struggling to find the minimum payments as his wife is not working and they have a ridiculous mortgage. He is in a far more precarious position that us, despite our debts being 40K more than his at the start.

Maybe suggsst to your brother that he posts on here for advice if hes the type to bewilling to accept help.