My story

TC-number23

I'm a 50 year old male with a partner and 2 fantastic children, living in a nice semi north of Brighton.

Though operating at a 'normal' level with many things and achieving very well in most areas of my life, I have struggled significantly with mental health issues. I believe these have significantly affected my whole adult life and the mismanagement of my finances. Below is a timeline of context to the issues that contribute to my mental health problems:

- given away at birth
- adoption cert. says the result of a rape
- adopted before my first birthday into a 'victorian' middle-class family
- hit by father and verbal cruelty by mother
- sent to (emotionally void) boarding school
- sexually abused by 2 (major) and 1 (minor) men
- protected my sister against abusive father on holidays when I was old enough
- climbed the career ladder very well until 30 when I had a mental breakdown and suicide attempt
- gave statement to police regarding abusers and sent one down to 16 years
- 10+ years of debilitating depression - incapacitated from work
- gradually built back up - starting a new career path and a tiny company, which I struggle to run on my own. This tiny company does well, but struggles with my financial mismanagement of it.
- 2 years ago another court case regarding abuse and another mental breakdown and suicide attempt
- had a heart attack in April and a stent put in. All ok now, though still feel shaken up by it.

I have always been in debt - to varying degrees. My partner does not understand the 'block' /
problem that I have with money and there is critism about our position.

I have been desperate to escape money worries that have had such a huge negative impact on my life. But I have felt completely unable to do so. Money, like alcohol, papers the cracks for me. I 'own' up to my situation and my responsibility, It's my fault. But I feel completely unable to get out of the situation - the hole that I have been all my adult life. At the moment I would say that I owe approx. £30k to HMRC via the business and £45k in various personal loans and o/d. The repayments (£1,651 pmnth just on the personal stuff) are crippling me now and I am beginning to miss payments. I recognise that I am in a crisis situation and that things could start to impact and snowball if I do not make steps to sort this out now.

I write this not as a sob story - but to ask for help/advice.

Many thanks in advance.

datlex

It's harsh that the adoption certificate stated you were the result of a rape. My partner is a similar age to you, but his gives no indication as to why he was adopted. That's quite a catalogue of abuse from conception to self harm. Do you feel you have worth? Because you should.

First question how much do you trust your partner?

leicestersq

Hello and welcome.

The very best thing that you can do to start with is prepare and post a statement of account.

The most important thing of all about this is not the replies that you will get from other contributes , but the understand you will get from just doing it. When you have to think about all of the figures, you will understand more about your own situation. Seems crazy but we often understand less about our own finances than we realise.

The answer as to which direction is best, will be in those figures, so please produce that SOA.

Best wishes.

sourcrates

SOA calculator is available here :


http://www.stoozing.com/calculator/soa.php

TC-number23

Thank you for your replies. datlex - the worth question is complex. I am fortunate to be a Jack of most things that I apply myself to, and feel capable and therefore confident in most arenas. But ultimately when things get tough I feel like I don't really belong and that there have been too many mountains to climb. I do trust my partner, though we have had many up's and down's. She thinks far more pragmatically than me - I can be more emotional.

leicestersq - thank you - I have started to do a rough version of this, but the online one you gave looks far more comprehensive. But should I not worry about pasting such financial information here?

joedenise

There's no problem with posting the SOA as there is nothing in it which identifies you. It's just a set of figures which shows where you currently are with your finances.

System

As above. You need to approach this clinically as a problem to be solved and take all the emotional stuff out of it as that isn't going to help you solve this.

fatbelly

Yes there's no problem posting an soa, provided your real name is not Mr T C Number.

It will answer many fundamental questions that otherwise we would have to ask one by one. And no-one can offer advice until we know these things.