Don't like my dad's partner

badmemory

The time to start worrying is when he stops going fishing. Until then he is his own man, if he stops then she has possibly stopped him.

Mojisola

whattodo7 wrote: »

My dad pays for everything in the relationship, absolutely everything for both his girlfriend and daughter.

Kynthia wrote: »

So this lady has had to rely on the benefits system due to needing to care for her disabled daughter. She's in a relationship with this man who's recently retired. However he seems to only want to be in the relationship on his terms. He says they will never marry despite her loving him and feeling that marriage is the natural progression in a loving relationship. She'd also love to live with him, but wouldn't feel comfortable in the home he previously shared with his wife. She's suggested he buy somewhere else for them, and hasn't even asked for her name to be on the deeds despite her giving up where she lives. Yet he refuses and they row, resulting in him banning any discussion of marriage or them living together.

He makes her insecure as he doesn't seem to want her around his family. She has to ask to be invited but then she doesn't feel comfortable talking as she knows they look down on her for being a smoker and not slim. She's even overheard the term 'goldigger' being said behind her back. I think she needs soneone who wants to spend lots of time with her and makes her feel wanted, someone who she'll someday live with and marry. I don't think he's right her.

And yet she's still there.

onomatopoeia99

Kynthia wrote: »

. She's even overheard the term 'goldigger' being said behind her back.

That has only been used by people on this forum and not by the person asking the question. You are extrapolating.

I would agree they don't seem well suited, anyone that causes blazing rows in an attempt to bend the other person to their will (in this case, to force a marriage) isn't well suited to sharing their life with another person.

Buying a house "together" is a nonsense if she will put nothing in financially. That's incurring a massive cost (stamp + fees) to the person paying, for no purpose.

They either accept that they have different expectations and acknowledge that they won't both get everything they want and continue on that basis, or they part.

JayJay100

whattodo7 wrote: »

I should probably begin by saying, I appreciate my dad’s lovelife is none of my business and he is free to date whoever he chooses. I don’t wish to tell him what to do and that is why I have never expressed to him what I am about to write here. However, as his child it is difficult for me that I have formed a negative opinion about his girlfriend and I could therefore use a fresh outsider perspective.

My dad is a great guy, very laid back, physically active, sociable etc. He is in his early sixties and was fortunate enough to be able to retire early with a large lump sum to ensure he lives the rest of his life comfortably.

He’s been with his girlfriend for two years. Unlike my dad, who enjoys hiking and the outdoors, his girlfriend is obese and a smoker.

Prior to meeting my dad she has lived her life on benefits and has accrued debt. She gets carers allowance for her mildly disabled adult daughter. My dad pays for everything in the relationship, absolutely everything for both his girlfriend and daughter. They basically come as a package.

She likes to spend 24/7 with my dad, complaining of loneliness if he going fishing with his male friends for an afternoon.

They have recently been getting into blazing rows because she wants him to sell his house and buy a new house with her and her daughter. She has no assets herself to bring. My dad doesn’t want to move though. He has lived in his house for over 30 years and is happy there. He feels it would be better for them to live separately for the time being because he feels she should have a separate place for her daughter.

For the past year she has also been getting into blazing rows with him about getting married. She told him she is going to think of a deadline for when he needs to have proposed to her by. My dad does not want to get married though to anyone. However, things then all came to a head and I thought they were going to split but instead they have come to an agreement never to mention marriage or moving in together ever again. Can this work?

From my perspective, my dad so far has not really enjoyed his retirement. He is basically like a carer to his girlfriend doing menial tasks for her. I envisioned him spending his retirement travelling the world and doing expeditions.

Have you taken time to get know the woman and her daughter? She has been with your dad for two years, so presumably you know more about her other than she smokes, is obese and has accrued debt? You say the daughter's disabilities are mild, but what do you mean by mild?

Generally, in a relationship, you do look towards getting engaged, getting married and living together, and often the two year point is where you decide if this relationship has legs or not. I don't think it's unreasonable for the woman to want to move forward, and it must be frustrating when your dad is stone-walling; it sounds like his terms or not at all. It's also more difficult dating when you are the carer of someone with disabilities; you have to include their needs and wants, and often they're more important than your own; it can be difficult, nigh on impossible, to meet anyone who understands those dynamics never mind put up with them.

I have a friend with a disabled son, who is in his 20's. To the outsider, he's the sweetest, most loving boy, who is just a bit slow on the uptake, and in many ways he. The reality is different. He rarely sleeps, and by rarely sleeps I mean that he if he wants to play his music and dance at 2 o'clock in the morning, he will. If he wants to play his games at 3 in the morning, he will. If he wants to use the hoover, to create the lines in the carpet that he has a fascination with, at 4 in the morning, he will. On a bad night, my friend will be out of bed possibly five or six times, to make sure that he's ok. Sometimes she can can coax him back to bed, but generally she can't. She describes it as sleeping with one eye open. I could write pages on how he impacts on meals, holidays, where they live, the jobs she can do, not to mention the fear for his future for when she's no longer around. She's put weight on, she smokes, although she knows she shouldn't, and she's accrued debt. She's given up on ever having a decent, or even normal relationship. She watches her ex husband have a wonderful, full life, and not think twice about cancelling the two hours of contact that he has with his son; the impact of that is she has to spend roughly six hours dealing with a tantrum from hell, where he may, or may not smash his face against the wall.

All I'm trying to do is to give a different perspective, and just maybe there is a really decent woman underneath it all, who is exhausted, worried and seeing her chance of happiness slipping away. Your dad has made it clear that he won't marry her or move in with her, and yet she's still there. She might just love him enough to stay with him, no matter what.

bluebear36

It sounds like your dad filled his life post-divorce life with activities so that he wouldn't miss being married, and then when this woman came along he decided that his lifestyle would need to change to accommodate her. That sounds perfectly normal to me.

If the daughter relies on her mother to be her carer then they definitely do come as a package, but your dad would've known that from the start.

You say that you were woken by them rowing one day - do you live with your dad?

pearl123

To get carers allowance you need to be looking after someone for 35 hours a week. To require that level of care its not usually for a minor disability! Try being tied to a disabled person who require 35 plus hours of care every week year in year out. It mentally and physically exhausting. Go look at carer forums to see how broken many carers feel. Put yourself OP in someone else’s shoes. (So what if the carer is overweight and smokes.)

It sounds like the father is standing up for himself by refusing to get married or buy somewhere else to live. It’s unsurprising that this carer want some commitment and security two years into a relationship. If they love each other they will work it out.

I wonder if OP is jealous of the attention that the girlfriend and disabled child is getting from her Father?
The fact that OPs father is spending on his girlfriend and disabled child is his business. IMHO it’s quite normal that he spends some money on them.
Most couples have agreements. I wonder how old OP is, as it appears she might be living at home.

whattodo7

I would like to update this thread and answer a few questions. Firstly, I do not live at home - my dad lives alone and I live with my partner. I am 30 years old. However, i do go back to the city where I used to live and see family and friends every month or two. When I was woken to the blazing row my dad and his partner had, this was on a night I had stayed round.

For the past two weeks I have stayed at my dad's over the Christmas period. While being home for this length of time I have been very concerned about my dad. He has been with his partner 24/7. I have not been able to spend two minutes with him alone. His cousin also has cancer and he used to be close with her husband. Her family said that her husband would love it if he asked him to do something such as go for a walk etc. But he hasn't. He has literally just been with his partner. On Boxing day at a family gathering he just spent the entire time sat in the corner with his partner and neither of them spoke to anyone. He normally would be sociable but because she isn't he wasn't either. My sister voiced her concerns to him as his partner was upset that she did not get an engagement ring off him for Christmas. However, he said at his time of life he would rather have these arguments and problems with her than be alone because it could take a while for him to find someone new. I just feel like that is totally the wrong reason to be with someone.

Secondly, I mentioned that she received carers allowance. This is not correct. Her daughter does not require 35+ hours of care. And as I said above - my dad's partner has barely seen her daughter in the past 2 weeks as she has spent 24/7 with my dad. She has certainly done no caring for her daughter. My dad's partner doesn't receive any benefits she just solely lives off her daughter's disability benefits. However, her daughter has a boyfriend and my dad's partner is worried if they move in together she will lose her income and will subsequently lose the house she lives in. If that happens I know my dad will see no alternative other than to take her in. I know many people won't see it as a bad thing - them moving in together, after all they have been in a relationship for two years. But I feel to move in together should be a joint decision that both want to take, not have it forced upon you.

pearl123

A lot of things don't quite ring true about your posts.
One minute you are saying this women and her daughter come as a package and the next you are stating that this women does not see her daughter.
One post you state she's getting carers allowance the next she is not. By the way caring is not just physical! It can be paperwork, shopping, lifts and taking to appointments etc. All take considerable time.

It basically comes across that you detest this woman. I'm surprised you could manage to stick around them for two weeks as a result.


At the end of the day your fathers a adult and can do what he wants! There is nothing you can do about it.

Pollycat

I'm really not sure what you are looking for here.

Even if you get loads of replies all agreeing with you (and TBH you didn't get that in response to your first post), what would be your next step?
Your Father is an adult in (apparently) full possession of his senses.

Tabbytabitha

svain wrote: »

They do, if there is genuine concerns on motive of new partner or concerns for parent well being

Would that give the parent the right to question and interfere with a middle aged son's relationship as well?