Advice on handling a bully manager.

misssarahleigh

We have a new manager and he is an out and out bully.

I seem to be getting a lot of attention however he has a go at most people.

Recently he has had a go at me as he said two colleges had complained I asked them about their wage (which I did not do) and upon apologising they confirmed they had never said this two him (I made a complaint about my wage as I am being paid less than my male co-workers but thats another story)

I don't want to raise a formal grievance yet (but am logging everything down) however it's 5am in the morning and although I'm not a worrier it's impacting on me.

Any advice on ways to cope so to speak?

tacpot12

Logging the details of the problems they are creating is a good idea as it gives you something you can do in a situation where there is not much else to be done in the short term.

I would tend to take a tough approach with the bully, as this is all they tend to understand. If you mess up, accept his criticism with good grace; but help him understand that while you are tough, other members of staff might be more hurt by his comments and suggest ways he can deliver a tough message more sensitively. If his is wrong, and you are on solid ground, stand your ground and shout and rail at him; ideally in private, but do so in public if he criticises you in front of the managers who will decide on your pay. You have to meet fire with fire.

This is not descending to his level; it is adapting your response to the situation you find yourself in.

But try to make yourself an ally of this manager; help him to trust you by taking on board as much of what he expect of you as you can, but if you have supervisory responsibilities to others, don't bully them just because he expects it: as that would be sinking to his level; record any request from him that you treat others in bullying ways.

Good luck and come back for more advice on MSE if you need to.

sangie595

Whilst I agree with standing your ground (and logging everything), I don't agree that you should "shout and rail" - even if he is. Two wrongs do not make a right, and this is inappropriate behaviour in work. And more likely to backfire on you, when you end up being disciplined for your attitude!

What you need to do, in my opinion, is two fold. First, confront this problem now. Assuming he is a bully (and that is a subjective opinion, so what you see as bullying may not be what the employer sees) he needs to know that you find his behaviour unacceptable. This is, effectively, the first stage of a grievance anyway - try to resolve it yourself. Ideally face to face (but if you can't do that, in writing - and even then, follow up any discussion with a written confirmation of what was said), explain to him what you find unacceptable about his attitude or behaviour, why, and what impact that has on you and your performance at work. By doing this you enable him - giving him the opportunity to consider whether his behaviour requires amending, and you give him fair warning that you won't tolerate it and that this won't be the end of the matter if it continues.

Don't end up in confrontations. Find control mechanisms. If, for example, he tends to get angry, you could end the matter by saying " you clearly don't feel that you can discuss this calmly, so shall I come back when you can?" - and if that doesn't stop the behaviour, then walk away. Don't get caught up in responding to the behaviour.

In the same vein, if there's incidents of the kind you describe with your colleagues, come straight out - "you know that you said xxx xxx, well I went to apologise to zzzzzzz and he said he didn't say yyyyyyy. I'm not clear - exactly what did you get told?" Calmly confronting is very hard to deal with. And it can be done in front of people if necessary without standing out as anything but a rational conversation. On your part at least.

Carry on logging everything. And if that doesn't work you have the grounds of an excellent grievance showing not only his behaviour, but also how rational you have been in trying to avoid this becoming formal.

But also, do bear in mind, much depends on your employers attitudes as to whether a grievance resolves anything - or makes it worse! What employees perceive as bullying (and what in fact may be bullying) isn't necessarily what an employer finds unacceptable as a management style. They are often unwilling to intervene. Frankly, with the exception of some of the better employers who may have complex responses to try to resolve things, many will either tell him to dial it back a bit but don't worry because they don't care too much, or throw the grievance out and put it down to you. Unfortunately, in my experience, the vast majority of bullying allegations end badly for the complainant. And in saying that is am considering only those where I am sure that there is a strong case of bullying - not those where it may be down to a clash of personalities or styles, or where the employee is overreacting to normal management practices (which does happen!).

So where possible, I'd urge you to try to resolve this informally. More often than not, bullies back down to stronger individuals. You just need to be clear that stronger isn't about acting the same way as them, but about confronting and managing every situation until they get the message and back off.

misssarahleigh

Thank you both for the advice.

I do stand my ground in a came and rational way. One of his problems appears to be the fact once he has voiced an opinion, unless you say "yes sir" he will speak over the top of you during ANY conversation which makes it very difficult to be reasonable as he constantly interrupts you.

The fact that I am not taking the "yes sir" approach appears to be my issue. Other staff members, people I considered to be strong individuals before his arrival are hiding under their desks avoiding eye contact and have become a shadow of them former selves in the office. By standing up for myself I when he makes incorrect statements or have an opinion appears to be my undoing. I appreciate this, but with all my might I cannot conform to being picked on.

I am aware that our previous manager (now in a new role) doesn't like him in the slightest as I don't feel his methods are very liked by her.

I was considering approaching him to explained I had approached both staff members and both were extremely confused about why I was apologizing as neither recall me asking about wages or making any comment to him about it. However, I don't want to then force the light on the other two as they will then no doubt be in trouble for speaking with me.

I also take on board potentially walking away until he is calmer. I have considered this. He doesn't should (Natuarally very loud) but have considered pausing the conversation by saying "I am more than happy to respond to your last question, but if you continue to interrupt me I feel it somewhat pointless" or words to that effect.

zugzwang

The fact that I am not taking the "yes sir" approach appears to be my issue.

Why not say take the "yes sir" approach? Some managers have an authoratative style, it doesn't make them bullies. Perhaps he's just finding his feet and trying to assert authority in his new job.

By standing up for myself I when he makes incorrect statements or have an opinion appears to be my undoing. I appreciate this, but with all my might I cannot conform to being picked on.

When you think you are standing up for yourself, I suspect rather than being assertive,you're undermining him.So he responds by being even less interested in your opinions.

Unfortunately, conforming is often more important than performing.

One of his problems appears to be the fact once he has voiced an opinion, unless you say "yes sir" he will speak over the top of you during ANY conversation which makes it very difficult to be reasonable as he constantly interrupts you.

Once he's made a decision, he evidently doesn't want it questioned. If you want to influence his decisions, it's better to do it by showing you support him, rather than through disagreement.

I guess you wont like this advice, but I only say this because I want to help. It sounds like your colleagues have the correct approach -new manager, so head down, get on with job, make him look good and hopefully he'll settle in.:)

Sarastro

I would keep logging everything and be completely clear about what you think is acceptable and not acceptable behaviour. Keep feeding back that his behaviour makes you feel uncomfortable and remain cool calm and collected. You could also try changing your style (and none of this is your fault) but what I'm suggesting is that he has only got one communication style and you have several so try speaking to him in different ways and see if he backs down - he may feel intimidated by you and not know how to deal with it other than by being yet more assertive. Remember, you can't control his behaviour, only yours. And being assertive is about balancing your needs with his needs, not 'winning'. Try to frame everything in the company's best interests e.g. "how should we respond to that new competitor?". Don't just leap in with what you think, try, "I have some thoughts about how we've done that in the past...would you like to hear them?". If all else fails, just be silent and wait politely until he's finished and then just carry on saying what you wanted to say. I used to work with a very angry man who would rant in meetings. I used to think of him as a mobile phone ringing, ignore what he said and just wait until it stopped ringing then carry on talking. Having those sorts of analogies in your head helps control your emotional response and stops you feeling defensive (if you were). Grievance route rarely works out well in my experience so I'd just maintain your composure for now, he will probably settle down if he's new. Play the long game. Don't bad mouth him, stay professional.

misssarahleigh

I appreciate all the advice.

Zugzwang - He is the definition of bully.

I have had authoritative managers. This gentleman doesn't allow you to speak despite asking you a question to start. I know that he has previously lie to me about something I have done wrong in order to 'tell me off'.

I appreciate that I am 'disagreeing' with certain things, however, I'm disagreeing when he is wrong (sometimes this is my opinion that he is wrong, sometimes it's just plain fact of the situation)

The problem is that everyone one is scared of being under his attention. I don't think people are scared because he's authoritative, they are scared because he's a unliked individual who refuses to allow you to speak and holds 'formal meetings' for tiny mistakes e.g. My friend had a 20 minute meeting because she failed to put an email address on an email (one of about 15 receiptients) which was simple human error as it was 3am and we work 12 hour shifts (yes, she was wrong, but if you consider the 100's of actions we take in 12 hours this was nothing more than a human oversight)

He seems to misunderstand a simple human error (not repeated ones, and individual act) as something to shout at you about. He belittles you.

I was previously told in a meeting. If I am involved in a problem, regardless of it not being my fault, that is an indicator that I am performing my job poorly. I don't have that much skill that I can stop other people making mistakes unfortunatly.

I am hoping that he settles and logging everything. I've been with the company 9 years and before this never had a singular complaint about myself or my work. I'm just finding it difficult thinking about what has/will happen.

I'm also concerned for my collegeus. As somebody said, not all are as strong as me and this is noticeable on a few people.

I used to really enjoy work and the people there but the atmosphere these days is awful. We have lost another staff member last week (nor 6 in 6 months) and his reason for leaving is nothing more than the new manager.

prowla

The first thing to consider with bullies is whether they upset you or annoy you.

I've had some of it at my place of work, from a small clique who have taken it up themselves, but I am my own person and don't measure myself by their approval.

In the case of my work, the management condone it.