On benefits and left in debt.....

JKGlasgow

I honestly don't know where to start, so apologies in advance for an undoubtedly long and rambling post. I feel like I've been totally conned and now I'm in a situation that wasn't of my own making, unless you count my immeasurable stupidity for allowing it to happen.

Years ago, I was in a massive amount of debt which was compounded by losing my job due to worsening mental health problems and the breakdown of my first marriage. I was pensioned off on health grounds (albeit a very small pension as I'd only been in the pension scheme for a 10 years, and my income was supplemented by then Incapacity Benefit, which later became Employment & Support Allowance (Support Group). In the process of a tribunal relating to ESA, I was advised by my Welfare Rights Officer that I should apply for DLA as she felt I would qualify. I applied shortly thereafter and received low rate for both care and mobility. In the midst of all this, I managed to get my finances back in order
During that period I had 'met' someone online who seemed understanding, as he too had been pensioned off from the police due to similar health problems. We started a relationship and eventually married just over three years ago.
When I met my second husband, he told me that he too had had debt problems and was actually subject to sequestration at the time we met. I was obviously understanding as I knew exactly how easy it was for these things to spiral out of control, and he seemed to understand why I was absolutely phobic about either of us ever getting into more debt.
Things were good at the beginning but things gradually went awry as soon as the sequestration was discharged and it became apparent that he just loved to spend money. His attitude to money made me ill, as I had learned the hard way how to manage my limited income, and he seemed incapable of budgeting.
Fast forward to the current date, and things have gone out of control. Put succinctly, as soon as we were married, his spending spiralled still further out of control. I'll spare everyone the gory details, but during this time I have had to bail him out with loans from my parents (which they subsequently wrote off for my sake, particularly as I effectively took the blame to save face - my family never liked him.) There have been numerous small Provident loans, which he did always pay, but I was made to feel like he was doing me a favour when the money was for problems that he'd caused. Unfortunately, this all went on without anyone else knowing just what was going on.
Also during the past few years, his parents were both taken into care because of dementia, and he became legal and welfare guardian for both of them. He did a good job in practical terms (and continues to do for his father) but when his mother died last year, he was suddenly in charge of a bank account that had around £30k in it, with a pension and attendance allowance being added to it regularly. I'm sure you can guess what happened?
A year ago I woke up to this deranged person who said he was suicidal and that grief had made him spend about the majority of the money. The Office of Public Guardian had asked for their usual annual review from him, and he was panic stricken, convinced he was going to jail. The biggest mistake of my life came after a week of him trying to get a loan from somewhere, anywhere, and I managed to get a loan for £15k to put back into the account. He said he would stop taking any money from that account at all and that the balance would soon get back to the previous levels. He assured me he would pay the loan every month, which he did.
Three months after that....and with our tenancy agreement due to be renewed, he upped and left me. He got himself a new flat elsewhere within a week of him telling me he was going, and I absolutely fell apart. It's only been thanks to my family and few friends that I'm still here to tell the tale, seriously. He paid the rent on our marital home for the remaining couple of months and then I was on my own financially. I managed to find myself a flat I could afford (with a tiny amount of housing benefit to top up my income) and I just about managed to sort myself out. Stupidly I let him back into my life on a part time basis, and we started seeing each other. I STILL hadn't told anyone else about the loan in my name, I just felt to downtrodden and used, and embarrassed, to be honest. He tried getting a job for a while, but his health problems soon stopped that. He continued to pay the loan until last month.
The day before he was due to transfer the loan repayment to my account, he sent me a text saying that he couldn't afford it this month, and wouldn't be in a position to pay it from now on. There are 4 years left on the loan, and it's £300 per month! My mental health problems mean that I've always found it difficult to communicate with officialdom face to face, or on the phone, so I've effectively dodged the loan company as much as possible.
Since he moved out in February, he has managed to get not only a huge loan, but a credit card, which he has, predictably, used to its very limit. He is now in the process of setting up a Trust Deed, but that's no use for the loan in my name.

I honestly don't know what to do next. Coincidentally, I'm going to be moving again myself in the next month or two, to be nearer my family who continue to support me on a daily basis. But still no-one knows about his debts or the loan in my name. I'm committed to moving (I need to for the support) but my rent will go up by £100 per month but my housing benefit won't increase accordingly. If I didn't have this debt problem I know that I could manage my new rent by cutting back on heating or food etc, as I know I can manage my money fine when I'm on my own.
If I enquire about some kind of debt management plan or trust deed or some such, will they take my disability benefits into account?
I feel so stupid for allowing myself to be taken in like this....I just kept pushing my doubts down into a big knot in my stomach, and this is the result. I already have money taken off my ESA because of my pension, so I don't get the full amount (contribution based).

I should point out I'm in Scotland, and my DLA is due to run out in April 2018, at which time I will have to apply for PIP. Keeping all this a secret has been killing me, whilst he's able to draw a line under his debts and have more money to spare. He has nothing major to show for all the money he's spent and the only thing he has of value is his police pension. It would cost more to try to divorce him than I would ever get back. As it stands, if something happens to him, I'd be entitled to half his monthly pension, but even now I don't wish him dead!!!
Help?!?!

:mad::huh:

HairyHandofDartmoor

I'm so sorry that you are in this awful predicament. I suggest you ring Step Change the debt charity who will give you help and advice.

This man seems to have had a toxic effect upon your life and finances.

You are lucky to have a supportive family and living nearer to them sounds like an excellent idea.

Don't despair. For every problem their is a solution, no matter how bad.

determined_new_ms

it's easy for me to say but I think if I were in your shoes I would contact a debt charity for help, work out a very fair budget (to yourself) offer a small repayment plan and then forget about it. There are rules about how much lenders can expect from people on benefits

kram

I can only echo what others have said, contact stepchange to get a repayment plan in place.

Start thinking about you & what is right for you going forward, you have a supportive family.

Get away from this man as he is a liability & doesn't give a second thought about anyone else but himself.

sourcrates

Hi,

Suggest you get some advice on your options from National Debtline (Scotland).

They can give you more specialised advice based on your circumstances :

https://www.nationaldebtline.org/S/Pages/default.aspx

National_Debtline

Hi JK and thanks for posting.


I'll keep it relatively brief here, as like the other posters above I think you'd benefit from contacting one of the debt advice charities directly - all will deal with you in the strictest confidence and you are always welcome to remain anonymous if you prefer it that way.


Simply put, you need to put any unsecured debts you have at the back of the queue behind essentials like your rent, food, utilities and any care costs associated with your condition. If that means you offer them little or nothing, so be it. From the little I know of your situation, the consequences of defaulting on these debts are likely to be relatively trivial - your creditworthiness will suffer, for example, but it is already likely to be poor in any case. You're not going to be having your benefits raided to repay these debts if you cannot afford them.


I'd also encourage you to now look at how you deal with these debts without viewing the situation in terms of your ex. Your focus needs to be on the things you can control, not the people you can not.


Best wishes


Dennis
@natdebtline

beanielou

Great advice from everyone.
You cant go back & change anything & you have to focuss on going forward.
Remember, take care of you.