I'm terrified of telling my husband

MaisieFloraBeau

Hi
I'm at an all-time low after taking my head out of the sand and working out that I have debts of just under £13,000, mostly credit cards and catalogues. What triggered it was one of catalogues asking for a payment that was nearly all interest and would only have reduced my account by £5. So, I decided to work out what I owed. I contacted this catalogue and emailed them a budget form that I'd filled in with National Debtline, and they've agreed to freeze the interest for 12 months and set payments at £50 per month for 12 months also. I've contacted the others too and am waiting for replies. I've never missed payments, always paid more than the minimum, and never had demands.

My biggest fear is how my husband is going to react. He retired 5 years ago (he's 70 now, I'm 55, and we've been married for 7 and a half years. I work part time, but my hours fluctuate as the job is seasonal. I've been trying to get another job to do alongside, but keep getting turned down. My husband hates debt and I just know he is going to be so very angry with me.

Until we met, I'd mostly been on my own with my six children (now all grown up and left home), so any money I had I spent on them. I never begrudged them a penny, but they certainly weren't spoilt.

P { margin-bottom: 0.21cm; } I think part of my problem comes from years of scrimping and saving, going without or making do, and suddenly I had money and could have nice things.
P { margin-bottom: 0.21cm; I think part of my problem comes from years of scrimping and saving, going without or making do, and suddenly I had money and could have nice things.
My spending has become out of control for the last three or four years really, but all I wanted was nice things for my husband and family, and now grandchildren.

I am terrified of how on earth I'm going to tell him. I've written a letter, which I plan on giving him after we've been on holiday in September. I just can't do it until then because he is the world's biggest worrier too and won't sleep and just brood on it. I want him to be the sort of person that would hug me and say 'don't worry, we can sort this' but my biggest fear is that he won't and he'll leave me. I feel awful for putting this on him, especially as he's getting older now (although you wouldn't know it).

Please, if anyone has been in the same situation as me, can you give me some much needed advice?

Many thanks

Silence101

I understand you've got a plan to repay the debt? I would include that in the letter to show him you have a solution to the problem. It might help his worries. Obviously I don't know how he'll react, I'm not sure how I'd react if my DH had hidden debts. You might be able to get Christmas jobs, a few of my friends managed to get a second job around Christmas, and that could help pay it down quicker.

kram

Hi MaisieFloraBeau,

Welcome to the forum, you have taken the hardest step by realising you have a debt problem & are getting help to resolve it.

Telling your OH is difficult for anyone we've all been there, but it is better to get things out in the open & have them onside with you.

The OH will twig that something is not right as you will be getting more stressed about things in general & they will notice, trust me they do.

We tend to build things up in our minds about what is going to happen when in reality things turn out totally different than we expect.

I hope you find the right time to get them onside, you will feel relieved when you do.

It's only money & getting stressed about it won't change anything.

Good luck with it all.

K

MaisieFloraBeau

Thank you. The more I think about it the worse I feel. It's knowing how he feels about debt that worries me the most. I have to keep reminding myself that nothing has changed since a few days ago, except that now I know how much I owe. We're going on holiday for two weeks at the beginning of September and I don't want to tell him before we go as it'll ruin the holiday. I have the letter already written. I feel so sick, my stomach is in knots but trying to be normal is hard.

kram

Stop you are getting mega stressed about this you need to take a moment & realise that this is not going to go away quickly no matter what anyone says on here.

Now I don't know how your OH will react or when it is best to tell him but it will have to be done sometime.

Did you setup anything with National debtline as you may start getting letters or phone calls from your creditors & then your OH is going to wonder what's going on.

I know it doesn't get easier but the longer you put it off the harder it will be, plus getting more stressed is not going to do you any good either.

K

Narkynewt

Try not to worry! The good thing is that you're trying to sort out your finances now. I find it very hard not to over spend on my credit card. Luckily I have never overspent over £200 and have always paid the balance over time. I think my other half would go mad, the same as your husband might.

You clearly are a caring person, it sounds like you haven't spent much of this money on yourself.

Tell him you are sorry, and explain to him that you're getting your finances sorted and paying off what you can. I doubt he will leave if you explain how worried you have been.

Normally things seem a lot worse than they are in our heads and I suggest you tell him sooner rather than later. This is clearly worrying you so why leave it? You have to tell him eventually so there's no point in delaying the inevitable, plus you won't enjoy your holiday if you have this hanging over you.

Good luck! Xxx

ElleWoods

If you're awaiting replies from your other creditors, maybe wait until you hear back before telling your husband. That way, when you tell him you can present him with a solution to the problem, as opposed to just the problem. Definitely tell him sooner rather than later though because the longer you leave it, the harder it will be to do. Good luck with your search for a new job too.

DigForVictory

If he's half the man we hope he is, if you sit him down & say there's a problem, explain it & the planned solution, all being well he'll be hugely relieved it is only money.

So much better that you tell him what's planned than let him see you get twitchier & unhappier and Not tell him.

Don't leave it too long - we don't know how much of a shock his heart can take. Not that anxious anticipation is doing you any health favours either.

savetosave

Hi
I hardly ever post on here, just read and learn. But I really wanted to reply to you.
2 1/2 years ago, just before Xmas, I woke up and my husband was sitting on the end of the bed crying. He told me he felt so bad he had thought about killing himself.
Over the previous months I had felt like he really didn't love me anymore. I was so worried but I didn't know what the problem was.
He told me he had run up a debt of £25,000, it turned out to be nearer 35.
I was worried and a bit angry, but I couldn't be angry because he was just so upset. It wasn't as if he has just spent the money on crazy things or been gambling. We had just been spending too much and he wanted all of us to have the things we wanted. I thought everything was being paid off each month, but he was just moving money around from one cc to another. By then the interest rates were high as he couldn't get anymore 0% deals.
We are working together now, slowly paying it off. Almost everything is on 0%.
I know he still feels really bad about it and no-one else knows. None of our children (grownup) or friends.
The worst thing was knowing he had been worrying and feeling so bad for such a long time without telling me.
Please tell your husband, the you can start working together to sort it out, xx

Angela84

Just wanted to say hello and say well done for deciding to do something about it, you're one step closer to being debt free, there are still millions of people out there burying their heads and carrying on getting further in debt.
Honestly is the best policy, if you want to wait until after the holiday that gives you a few more weeks to job hunt and get your plan even more in place.
You can only apologise to him, he may feel hurt that you've hid it all, but eventually he'll hopefully understand you only did it for your family and to have a better life.

Just remember it's not going to get any higher, you'll never be in more debt than you are now and it'll come down down down and that's a great feeling.

jagger86

my husband broke down at Christmas because he had spent the £10,000 he had left of some inheritance and instead of telling me he had spent it he tried to win it back! Losing a further £10,000. I just so wish he had told me sooner then he wouldn't have gotten himself in such a mess. He was getting carried away with gambling as he thought the only way he could put the money back without me knowing would be to win it! Rather than just tell me. Now he owes a further £10,000 to family and friends and just a few creditors.

Obviously I was very very angry and upset. We have a 2 year old and at the time our baby was 6 months old when I found out. So to be on maternity leave and have all that worry was really bad but we have worked through it now and ultimately I just wish he had told me sooner.

Hope your husband doesn't react too badly...at the end of the day money is money, it comes and it goes. You will pay them back and you won't get into that mess again - hope he sees that.