How much should I deal with for friends issues?

dekaspace

Known a guy just over 12 years, hes always had issues joking here but he looks and acts like Neil from the Young Ones (in part as he grew up with hippie parents)

Over past few years his mum died of cancer and it was 2 years from diagnosis to death, he went from being a guy with a reasonable income a car, owning a good pc and games console to being in debt as he moved back to his mothers to help look after her which involved a 30 mile sor so journey each way to work, and his brother was a junkie who stole a lot from him (and his own dying mother!) the sister seemed the most normal well if you don't count her moving in with a guy 25 years older when she was 15, she seemed a normal young woman, never in trouble with police, going for drinks with friends, having a few short term jobs but I found out recently she has been doing housing benefit fraud for years.

And the father who does have mild brain damage and serious health problems has been doing housing benefit fraud for 20 years (parents seperated but they owned house outright and he lived about 600 miles away in another home nation claiming housing benefit) when the mother died she left her share of the house to the children but father refused that saying they will get it when he dies, then sold that house and bought one from himself in the countryside, he also and this is a big thing I bring up was complaining after my friend was sectioned last year and had to move back with his father how friend didn't look after him in his old age this is knowing friend had serious mental health problems.

Back to the brother, he was a heavy drug user and got into heroin around christmas, he even stole from his mother on her deathbed and he was reason friend got thousands into debt as he emptied bank accounts after identity theft and friend having his mental health problems didn't want to press charges.

His brother died a few months ago and friend has gone back on a downward spiral again, that being said even before the death he was in a bad place he has been living near me for 4 months now and hasn't dealt with his benefits so his flatmate is paying his half of rent, £60 a month in council tax for him, not charging him for internet and friend buys a few drinks here and there despite having basically zero income.

His flatmate who was a friend/aquaintance before that now wants rid as friend tried assaulting him a while back after a bad come down where he downed a whole bottle of vodka and punched a hole in his door and punched the flatmate.

All was fine but since his brothers death hes been getting quiet and a few days ago punched hole in door again and he has distanced his few friends away from him, even I am now sick of him as hes bringing everyone down and causing my friendship with his flatmate to deteriorate as well.

I don't want to be a bad person and just not speak to him as I know that will likely mean hes sectioned or put in jail for something like assault, but theres so much I can take and I have my own mental health problems and autism and other disabilities.

From speaking to a friend of his who until now went above and beyond even hes saying friend has deteriorated and looks close to another breakdown.

He has had welfare rights appointments and advocates which I or other friend arranges for him and he cancels them on the morning each time, and he deliberately is wanting attention which I think is a cry for help.

What can I do? I don't want him bringing me down as my own issues mean minimal improvement year to year (if not get worse) but if I ignore him hes going to be a danger to himself and others.

pollyanna_26

dekaspace I was just about to go to bed when I noticed this thread .

I really think as I have said on other threads you have begun that you would be wiser to seek the support you need to help yourself move forward in your own life .

I understand you have stated that sorting things in your mind on the threads you make is a form of therapy . Is that therapy you were advised by a professional to undertake or one you devised yourself ?

You are overloading your mind with all the various threads you start .
I see the ones re cooking and various household questions as helpful as are the ones you concentrate on yourself .

This new thread is another rehash of other threads concerning the two friends who live in your old flat .

The bottom line is you can't help or fix either of them . While you are posting about them you are distracting yourself from the need you have to try to find some help for yourself .

I know it is hard to access the right sort of support but if you put some of the energy you use trying to sort them and their problems out into yourself it would be a better use of your time .
Both in their various ways need different levels of help from trained professionals and the longer you try to fix them the longer they don't get help .

Your op is far too detailed concerning both the friend and his family .Other posters may not agree with me but you are giving too much information there . I doubt your friend would like his life and that of others laid out in so much stark detail .

I still wonder if you ever acted on the advice given by Pyxis re SAMM . You never answered my question on that on anther thread .Of course you have no obligation to.
That thread was possibly the most positive one in my opinion , you were talking of moving forward without bringing other peoples problems into it . It could be worth either reviving that or starting a new one along similar lines .

Meanwhile follow the advice re flights and get your own oxygen mask on first before you try to sort anyone else out .

If you are really fearful your friend is a danger either to himself or others report it asap . You can't help him but hopefully the professionals can whether voluntarily or under section .

I need to go to bed as I've been up since 4am yesterday morning .
Try to sleep yourself .
polly

dekaspace

I forgot about other thread really, funnily enough the friend who used to come round to mine every few months has been fine since he moved here, where the once good friend has gone the opposite way and seems to want attention like a child, the flatmate who is the friend who used to be a bit messy and a bit of a moaner we went for a day trip in his car the other week and stayed overnight in a hostel.

So apart from being exhausted at moment and with no structure I am better than I was, the only structure I have is I am going out 3 or 4 times a week for a Subway meal (which is unhealthy but generally only thing I eat all day) and buying bits and bobs for the house.

I did contact SAMH and given a form to fill in and return, I did do it but forgot to hand it back yet.

Breaking my arm shortly after moving home gave me time to think and in last few months have done so much, I bought new curtains for my flat and put them up, fixed curtain rails in every room which were badly installed, last night even I unscrewed bathroom light shade as it was full of dead bugs and cleaned it, I have wired in a network into every room in house, I did also volunteer for a local charity but didn't start yet as pain from my injury came back and the volunteering involves a lot of lifting.

I went through some of the boxes in cupboard to organise, repaired bed drawers, rearranged furniture in bedroom (with a arm that just had cast off) fixed a computer that was broken since before I moved at christmas, got a new bed and assembled it.

All this in last 6-8 weeks alone!

Did get occupational therapy for a few months but the therapist came across as very mummying, she even admitted when we did cooking lessons that she thought from what I said I couldn't cook at all and because of that theres nothing she could do as I was too high functioning.

Will go to bed in a few minutes myself, had a late night last night only because a spider was above my bed and then ran around it at bedtime so I came back to living room for a hour to clear head and then slept on edge of bed away from wall so took about 2 hours to fall asleep.

BrassicWoman

my therapist told me, "You can't help anyon else unti you have helped yourself, and you're no use to them if you are running on empty."

Being sectioned sounds like exactly what he needs, so let the authorities get on with that, and you look after you. Maybe take up an interest to find some more stable people to have in your life?

whiteguineapig

there is so much good advice here dekaspace, please please just look after yourself.

[Deleted User]

OMG What a car crash family.

Personally its lovely that you care but I can't think what positives they add to your life. Look after yourself and give this family a very wide berth as they sound beyond help.

FredG

Had to echo the advice to look after yourself before you consider looking after others. If you're shot and exhausted you can do more harm than good, trust me, I'm a fellow juggler and over empathiser.

pollyanna_26

I am sorry to hear about your broken arm but while that mends you have time for a good hard think .

In your home life you seem to have come a long way in a short time so you seem to be heading in a good direction .
The important thing in your reply is the mention of structure . That really is what will help you move forward .
Something I have noticed across your threads is you seem to have a habit of going to bed very late and often spending some of the next day sleeping in .
For many people I have encountered that has a negative effect . They worry and fret through the night and often struggle to do much the following day .
That can be changed , it won't happen overnight but can be done .
Getting out in the world while things are going on can lift your mood even if you sit on a bench and people watch .

I would try and not eat too many subways that often adds to the concrete thinking and ocd traits often seen across the spectrum .
From your threads on the old style board it is apparent you have a real interest in cooking . Feeling low can limit the energy needed to organise meals and cook them it does give a great sense of satisfaction . Cooking a number of different meals from similar ingredients can help if you have freezer space . If you get into the habit it will reduce the amount of time you need to ponder your meals . I am sure if you opened a new thread on os you would get good advise on the subject

Regarding the OT the things offered as far as I recall were things you already knew .
A better way would be the things I have mentioned on other threads such as getting among people in a social but positive way .
I know you have mentioned you have a charity placement waiting for your arm to recover which is a good idea .

There are also small groups which meet once a week or more to provide the social interaction but also the means to join in using any skills you may have .
It's obvious you have excellent IT skills and the knowledge to repair and rebuild hardware . That is a good thing to develop within a safe environment . I have come across many of these groups and they have lots of different people sharing their skills and helping others . Some people mend and fix things for others to use and oftn good friendships can result .

I have my only thread which is on the OS board . It has been neglected for quite a while as a lot of posters myself included have either physical or mental poor health .
This means often the weather is having an impact on our physical health and we step away for a while .
There is a particular poster there who posted a lot for some time .
She had had a difficult life and struggles daily but she became in a way our mascot . She was working her way through things slowly and always with fear and anxiety . She became involved with one of those voluntary groups and it changed much of her life a great deal .
I don't think she will mind me telling you she is Larumbelle I always looked forward to her posts . She used to do lovely bullet point posts which helped many and I often remember her with fondness . In my profile .
Glad you got the form from SAMH now post it and see what happens .

On the other matter I will respond at some point but I will still be agreeing with all who can see how damaging that situation is .
A theme in your threads re friends is you take a lot of fallout , you ignore advise to walk away and then a rare car ride or other treat seems to make everything alright again .
It doesn't and it never will . I despise abuse and manipulation in any form and intended or not that is happening here .
I have pointed you towards better ways to find friends and ways to engage in the world please think of it .
Take care
polly