How do I help a friend who has her head in the sand?

a2020

I have a friend who has crazy debts because she doesn't open any mail and she doesn't pay any bills (apart from her mobile phone bill and her Virgin media bill).
Her partner was just as bad but he died when she was pregnant with their long-tried-for child. The child is now 2 and the debts are stacking up.
I have started opening mail for her and filing things and trying to get things in order.
I am trying to find out what her bills and debts are for Step Change so that they can get her on some sort of plan. She is only on benefits, so it'll be really hard.
It'll be impossible right now as she lives in a huge, expensive house that she doesn't pay the rent on. Her late partner's mother is the landlady and has decided she wants to sell the house but my friend doesn't want to leave, obviously.
So she's looking at homelessness in the near future which is terrifying.
She doesn't want to get a job because she wants to Home Educate her child even though the schools round here are all outstanding.
She is spending money like crazy, with no intention of paying her bills, no intention of finding a job.
How do I get her to take responsibility?

bearcat16

The problem is this:

Managing money is a skill that has to be learned. If you don't ever learn that skill, then you'll never be able to manage it effectively.

If you do everything for her, you may avert an immediate crisis, but how long until the next one?

Some people need consequences (not just the threat of consequences) to motivate them to learn the skill of managing money.

Hard though it may be, you cannot simply take responsibility for another adult's finances, this is something they have to do for themselves.

You can, however, offer to help them to learn the skill of money management. Simple things like helping her work out how much it costs to live every month, or show her effective ways to keep track of spending.

There is a huge satisfaction in knowing your finances are in robust shape and under control, but it only comes from doing the work of managing them carefully yourself.

determined_new_ms

You cannot do this for her, or make her face the truth. Conversely by doing this you are actually preventing her from taking responsibility and working these problems out, I'm sorry to say.

It's a codependent pattern, you try to cushion the blow as you know what is coming and don't want your friend to suffer the consequences she is inevitably heading towards. For her sake and that of her child. I get it. But the reality is until she faces those cold hard consequences, she doesn't need to take responsibility, up until now she seems to have had others cushioning the blows for her (mil allowing her to live in her house rent free, you now trying to resolve the financial situation. I'd be willing to bet there are or have been others as well). Until she is faced with the cold hard facts of her situation and truly feels how wretched it is she won't truly she how hard her situation is and what SHE needs to do to change things. I get that her child will suffer and that is tragic, and no doubt partly why you are trying to deal with it now, but SHE has to feel this, not you.

The best thing you can do in my opinion is step back and let go, you cannot make anyone "see" something or do anything. The best thing you can do is support her when she decides to change her situation. And by support I mean, if she asks (not you offering) to be with her when she makes the calls, goes to the appointments, when she is opening the letters let her know if you can you will be by her side, but you won't do it for her.

That's the best help you can give her, in my opinion

TheGardener

Although her financial health is causing you some concern, it may be that her mental health is a priority? And unless her mental health is stable, the financial stuff is pointless anyway.
Has she had any sort of grief counselling - it sounds a bit like she's struggling to move on from the trauma of losing her partner and is using 'spending' a bit like some use alcohol? Managing her finance is part of 'moving on' and a good friend who supports her is going to be crucial.
Like other posters, I would agree there is not much you can do here other than be there for her if it all comes crashing down - taking responsibility for her finances is not the way to go.

misfire

I too think that the grief and loss of her partner is a huge thing that she needs help with before tackling other things. Is the home schooling because she is worried about something happening to the child at school? I lost my second child to neonatal death and was terrified of sending my next child anywhere out of my sight incase anything happened to her. If it wasn't for a good friend who worked at a nursery convincing me to send her there (as she would be able to keep a eye out for her) that I did it -as I knew my daughter needed it. Honestly the fear I felt was astronomical and way out of proportion and I now know due to the death of my son, at the time I didn't. I came up with every excuse in the book why she shouldn't go to nursery but really it came down to that - and possibly this could be with your friend, especially as the schools are outstanding in your area. My daughter started nursery 3 weeks later than she could have but she had a fantastic time and it was the best thing that happened for both of us.

Remember thought, whatever happens and whether she takes your advise or not having a friend who genuinely cares for her will be worth its weight in gold.

fatbelly

I agree that the debts are not the main issue here but (like the impending homelessness) a symptom of something deeper.

Even when that is addressed, by professional help (and that's not an area I know much about) I would say that the housing issue is more important than the debts.

Once everything is stabilised she can probably tidy things up with a Debt Relief Order.

enthusiasticsaver

It sounds like your friend was just as bad before losing her partner so I hesitate to say this is down to grief. Burying your head in the sand is a common reason for debt and there are millions of people who do this, whether in connection with debt, relationships or health. It is worrying though that a small child is now involved as any mess your friend gets into impacts on the child too.

If she doesn't want to address her problems though there is little you can do other than advise or support her when she is ready to accept help. The general rule in counselling is to let the debtor come to a realisation they must do something to deal with the debt rather than someone (i.e. In this case you) telling them they have a problem. Ideally when thinking about her housing situation she needs to realise she and her child will be homeless if her partners mother sells the house. Is she hoping that she will not receive an eviction notice as the owner is presumably the child's grandmother? She will need that before going to the council for help.

[Deleted User]

a2020 wrote: »

Her partner was just as bad but he died when she was pregnant with their long-tried-for child. The child is now 2 and the debts are stacking up.

How do I get her to take responsibility?

Ashamed to say you let the DCA's start calling, the court summons to arrive. (Yeah you can be proactive but that just tends to wind situation up more)

On a real personal note family tragedy and the unthinkable does things to people - you care far less, money becomes secondary, don't be so hard on her if you never had her shoes on. I was a tenant for 10+ years always a very worried character, then I got my own place (my brother lost the ability to walk and Dad got diagnosed with the big C) and it's gone to the wall I cannot manage. I know I'm lucky I have the option to sell up so there is always a way out.

Please know that eventually there is every good chance the head will come out of sand.

itsallabitmuch

You can't do this for her at all, but you can continue to be there for her.

Let things carry on - there will reach a point where she has an LBM, as she will reach the point where there is no option but to face things.

By continuing to be there in the meantime in other ways, she will hopefully feel able to open up to you about things.

In the meantime, also keep researching options so that you have material to show her when she does feel ready.

Also, look into support for her, but don't share it with her just yet. It's clear to me from what you say that she is suffering from depression - whether she acknowledges it or not does not mean it isn't happening.

Be ready for the day that she can no longer cope, and arm yourself with as much knowledge as you can to help her - just don't force it on her. You must wait for it to come from her.

Please keep us updated xxx

P.S. You may, at times, struggle with your friend in terms of your relationship, but please don't give up on her. Everyone needs to know that someone has their back. You are an amazing friend to her already - that much is clear. Please be proud of yourself and who you are, because you're quite obviously a very good person indeed. Wouldn't it be lovely if everyone had someone to care for them as you so clearly care for your friend? Take care huni xxx

Jimbo8012

I agree with the above comments and would add that your friend needs to see a psychiatrist immediately. She sounds mentally very ill and needs to resolve her issues concerning the untimely demise of her partner.

Getting the financial stuff sorted is obviously very important but she needs to sort out her mental health before she does something really drastic like taking her own life or loses her child due to mental incapacity. From what you've described, I think it sounds that serious.

phillw

a2020 wrote: »

How do I get her to take responsibility?

You can't directly. You can only be her friend and try to get her to open up to you about how she feels and then she may figure it out for herself. If she can't talk to you then you can suggest that she sees a councillor. You can offer to help with transport, child care, moral support but if she doesn't want to go then it's her choice.

It sounds like she's shut down because of all the threats around her, more threats won't make any difference & taking responsibility will make her acknowledge all the threats.