Husband is fuming but I don't understand why

mandybanana

-taff wrote: »

That's pretty outrageous really. I wouldn't even dream of buying a car on a credit card unless I knew damn well I had the means to pay it off before the deal expired. Where did he think these thousands of pounds would be coming form?
He knows how much he earns, does he think you're Rockerfeller and only there to fund his wants?

The car scenario actually worked out ok as we received a small payout that covered the balance - I had come to my senses regarding our money by this point and paid it off the credit card, although in hindsight I should proably have paid one of the cards that was not 0%.

I agreed to the car scenario so I am not trying to blame it all on him. I just don't accept that he is shocked and angry by our debt level when he has been at least 50% responsible for its accumulation.

abby1234519

mandybanana wrote: »

The car scenario actually worked out ok as we received a small payout that covered the balance - I had come to my senses regarding our money by this point and paid it off the credit card, although in hindsight I should proably have paid one of the cards that was not 0%.

I agreed to the car scenario so I am not trying to blame it all on him. I just don't accept that he is shocked and angry by our debt level when he has been at least 50% responsible for its accumulation.

tbh it sounds like something else is stressing him out and it's possibly not about the money. Get kids in bed, sit down and have a proper talk about it. You'll soon get to the bottom of it

tallyhoh

so you work full time & deal with all the finance? I think he's being very unreasonable.

enthusiasticsaver

mandybanana wrote: »

He has always known that we are in debt - some of it is in his name, although I make the payments.

He knew that the car was on 0% credit card. He wanted me/us to get a loan but I felt that the 0% card option was better. He will often text me telling me that he is over his overdraft limit and can I put some money in his bank. He will ask to use my credit card to buy things on. He sees me online making balance transfers. He hears me talking about how I can't wait to be debt free. He sees me handing over my credit card when we go shopping. There should be no surprises. The only thing he didn't know was the exact balance of our debt but in reality I didn't know either until I logged on to credit report to find out!!

I am not prepared to shoulder all of the blame for this

Choosing a 0% credit card over a loan is a cheaper option so you were right to do this I think. I would not like this system you have where he just asks you to transfer money into his bank if he is overdrawn. How do you arrange your finances? Is it joint account for bills and you each have a personal account? Or are you each responsible for certain bills. Who pays the credit card bills?

If you have made him aware that you have a significant amount of credit card debt and he sees you doing balance transfers - which is basically just shuffling debt around then he is being very unfair in blaming you and I would be saying to him. We both created this mess and we both have to sort it out. I am not happy we have so much and you are obviously shocked and angry (whether at you or himself) so lets make a plan to clear this or in a few years time you will be looking at £70 or £80k of debt. To be honest though it sounds like you are now on board with clearing it so even if your OH has not said it I will say well done for realising the hole you are in and making a start in sorting it out.

You are paying £1k minimum to the debt if you have paid it down over 14 months from £55k to £40k. If you have trimmed your budget as far as you feel able and are properly budgeting now and not overspending this is fixable in just over 3 years providing you don't revert to old spending habits or nothing catastrophic happens like redundancy.

You have a good wage between you and there is no reason why you should need credit to finance your lifestyle. Avoiding new cars and expensive holidays until you are able to save for them though is a must. You have both obviously got in the habit of looking on credit as free money and it is most definitely not. You sound like you have had a mind shift and hopefully if you communicate with your husband he will too.

Also tell him to ditch the overdraft even if it means him getting a better paid job. It is one of the most expensive forms of borrowing.

ani*fan

Hi there

Wow, finances are a really emotional issue aren't they? All the more reason to get it sorted now.

I agree with a lot of what's been said here already. It sounds like your strategy for managing finances in your family has not been working for a long time. Wihout bashing you over the head with it again, I think you know where the problems lie. You're in the right place, we've all been there and know what that's like.

However, you've aready seen the light and have done amazingly to get £15k paid off your debt so quickly. Bravo! :j Obviously you can do it and plan to continue doing it. Keep going!

Your husband has a right to his own feelings about it, and it's better to be angry than turn this inwards and become depressed. At least he's taking it seriously. Directing all his anger at you, however, is not ok and I think there are ways to help coming to terms with it and stop taking it out on you.

My advice, (for what it's worth, feel free to ignore) is:

As has already been suggested, sit him down for a long chat about it all.

Tell him that yes, your financial relationship (but not any other part of your relationship) needs a serious review, and you're going to do that right now.

Tell him that you understand he is angry and upset, it's a shock after all, but that it's not possible for you to accept all the responsibility for it. You're both to blame and the good news about that is you can both fix it.

Include him in the plan to pay it off. Be clear about what you are already doing, and be clear about what you need from him. i.e. no requests for extra payments into his account. Go gently, this sounds like he can be child-like around cash, and you're the parent who gives handouts, but he needs to know that can't happen.

Tell him that you've been trying to deal with this on your own for so long, and that it's been very difficult, and that you'd really appreciate his help. Two adults with their thinking heads on can fix this even faster than you've been doing on your own so try to encourage that responsible, motivated part of him.

If he's in any doubt about where the debt came from, then he can have the job of figuring that out. Get him to look through credit card and bank statements, remember all those holidays he enjoyed, think about how much he loves his car, those meals out, what you did together. It's not all bad, you had some good times, but it's time to sort it all out.

This will be hard on you too as you sound accustomed to being the one dealing with it on your own, shuffling the credit cards and things like that. And finding a balance of who deals with what is not easy. But you can do it. It'll need an ongoing conversation with him though and no more head in the sand.

If you can get to a point where you can have a laugh about how daft you've been then all the better, but that might take some time.

Best of luck.

FatVonD

He's behaving like a child.

If he is earning so much less than you then he probably thinks you are loaded and have no money problems, I agree with the other poster that said to sit him down with statements to work out where it's all gone.

As an aside, if you have already had one redundancy scare, have you taken out redundancy insurance just in case? It's the sort of thing you might not think to do when redundancy isn't currently on the horizon but, by the time you have an inkling it might be happening it's too late to take it out as you can't claim the if you've been notified within three months of starting the policy. (I know this from bitter experience!)

DesignNotDefault

mandybanana,

My initial reaction to the latter part of your post was "wow...ok". I personally think he is overreacting a tad in suggesting that the relationship needs to be re-evaluated. Perhaps it was the shock of hearing the actual amount of debt you're both in that has sent him spiralling.

As other posters have suggested, I think communication is the main issue here. Sit down and have a good talk with him about finances, and ensure you keep the focus on this to avoid fuelling emotional reactions. Have all the facts and figures ready and you'll both work it out I'm sure - maybe this jolt was needed for you both to get a handle on it.

EssexHebridean

There is a difference between knowing that "we're in debt" and finding out the extent, when the extent is 40k, I suspect. As for whether he should have realised how the lifestyle was being financed - he maybe *should* have done, but actually doing the sums can be another matter. If he sees you routinely getting a credit card out to pay for regular shopping, for example, I can imagine how it might seem that to him, "things must be under control because you're still using the cards, right?". I think there is very much two sides to this - he probably should get more involved with the finances for a start - and secondly you probably should have put your foot down sooner on the spending thing. Thus, you're both at fault,, and he needs to realise now that working together is the way to fix things.

Personally I would sit down with him and explain that you're sorry he's so upset, and that you never felt the level of debt was a secret, that you certainly never kept it a secret, and that you in turn are shocked at his reaction, and that you feel he's being unreasonable. (You will note - the reference to being sorry he's upset is not an apology - I don't think you have anything to apologise for,and references to the way you feel are helpful because that can't be disputed - if he says "Oh no I'm not!" you can quite reasonably gently say that that's how you feel).

Get your full SOA (statement of Affairs) drawn up and suggest to him that you both work through it together to see where you can make further savings to get the debt gone faster. Have a laptop handy with the snowball calculator ready so he can see what effect extra payments will make. Above all, reassure him that you're not comfortable with the level of debt either.

One thing that may be worth thinking about is that people on lower incomes sometimes have a very different take on debt levels than those earning more. From his 1k a month take home perspective, that 40k figure seems a lot more, perhaps, than it does to you on your more comfortable income. He may also be feeling a degree of guilt about not contributing as much as he feels he should - his anger might, in fact, be as much with himself, as anything else.