18 yr old son in debt

-taff

If the house is yours you do not have to let bailiffs in.

Bailiffs can only take things he owns, not you.

If he gets agressive, phone the police.

Why should you be bullied by anyone let alone your son? He's an adult, he can fend for himself, or start learning to. Make sure he doesn't open a loan with your details, start checking your credit reports weekly.

Mojisola

dizzydolly wrote: »

hes been a real nasty piece of work with me for years now

at this moment im getting aggression from him,

he thinks he can bully me into signing

No-one should have to share their home with someone who behaves like this.

While you continue to put up with his behaviour, he will continue to treat you badly.

He needs to leave your home and let you live in peace.

Do you have any family or friends who will support you while you get him out of your home?

determined_new_ms

Op sorry to hear you are facing this. I had terrible times with my daughter for years, I was going insane with the stress for a very long time. I would really caution against making him homeless because there really aren't enough resources out there and he will lose his apprenticeship reducing his chances further. And speaking from experience this has an impact on everyone involved.

You could look at supported accommodation in the area and help him apply. I would sit him down and say things are at breaking point and if they continue he will need to move out.

Incidentally my daughter has now been diagnosed with a mental health problem and was the route of the problems and at 23 she has now grown out of this behaviours.

Also I don't know about you but it is very common when there are difficulties in the home that we enter into unhealthy relationship behaviours. I needed help with this, as do a lot of people to break the patterns, only by changing my behaviour could my dd's behaviour change. I had therapy, got books about codependency & enabling, went to support groups. It took a really long time to change it

January2015

determined_new_ms wrote: »

Op sorry to hear you are facing this. I had terrible times with my daughter for years, I was going insane with the stress for a very long time. I would really caution against making him homeless because there really aren't enough resources out there and he will lose his apprenticeship reducing his chances further. And speaking from experience this has an impact on everyone involved.

You could look at supported accommodation in the area and help him apply. I would sit him down and say things are at breaking point and if they continue he will need to move out.

Incidentally my daughter has now been diagnosed with a mental health problem and was the route of the problems and at 23 she has now grown out of this behaviours.

Also I don't know about you but it is very common when there are difficulties in the home that we enter into unhealthy relationship behaviours. I needed help with this, as do a lot of people to break the patterns, only by changing my behaviour could my dd's behaviour change. I had therapy, got books about codependency & enabling, went to support groups. It took a really long time to change it

What a lovely, supportive and inspiring post

It's easy to assume from reading a couple of lines that the son is just aggressive and not look into any reason for it. That's not what we here for either. But....it's lovely that someone who has been through something similar with one of their own offspring takes the time to point out there may be medical reasons (or even other reasons) and that possibly both parent and offspring need to change behaviours.

Obviously still do not guarantor loans for him - but talking things through, perhaps seeking outside support (counselling, GP etc) may help you both.

FBaby

Your son aggression could stem from high stress and anxiety dealing with debt for the first time. It's bad enough when you know more about the ins and out, it's quite petrifying when you are young and until now, your parents dealt with all of it.

If you think that his aggression could come from this, then maybe you can say that you will help him take steps towards dealing with the debt, but won't get him a loan because otherwise, he won't learn how to cope with it on his own.

It won't be what he will want to hear, so will probably throw it back at your face, but when he calms down, he might appreciate your help. Do not take a loan for him, especially when he is asking you in bullying ways.

dizzydolly

hes been nasty for years to be honest but I cant throw him out on the streets , I couldnt live with myself . ive told him to contact a debt charity but he says he cant because hes lied about his income and they will do him for fraud , hes so secretive , ive asked him to come clean and show me all the demands and I may be able to help but I just got called a vile name , I just cant help .

Mojisola

dizzydolly wrote: »

hes been nasty for years to be honest but I cant throw him out on the streets , I couldnt live with myself .

ive asked him to come clean and show me all the demands and I may be able to help but I just got called a vile name , I just cant help.

You can't carry on living with him like this.

Could you fund - for a short time - his rent in a shared house or as someone's lodger?

He's going to have to face up to the mess he's got himself into soon - if he won't go to a debt charity, what does he think is going to happen - if he shuts his eyes, it will all go away?

dizzydolly

no , im literally living on my wage , dad shirked all responsibility years ago , ive said ill kick him out and he laughs , the thing is , if he wont confide I cant help

[Deleted User]

God I hate bullies; do you have a male friend or relative who can help you?
If you do then when he is out one day (soon) throw everything he owns onto the front garden and when he comes back get said friend to tell him that the bailiffs have been and evicted him (or any excuse really), get the locks changed or bolts fitted to front and rear doors, and if he makes a fuss just call the police and get them to shift his fat a@se.
Good luck...dont be bullied and if you need moral support we are always here for you x

angelpye

If he gets aggressive to the point of scaring you then you can call the police without that resulting in kicking him out. A friend called after things had calmed down and they came by and just read the riot act to her son - he got the message that she wasn't going to put up with it. Have you tried a less direct approach such as a letter?Sometimes things written down in a straight forward and simple way can be more effective. Will give you a chance to say you care which is why he is still in your property but you are not willing to sign for loan so these are the options and these are boundaries?

I don't know enough about what lying on the form would result in but perhaps you could call one of the debt charities to discuss? Also need to get some official advice as to whether bailiffs can remove goods when the tenancy/deeds are in the parents name of the person who owes - in this situation surely its obvious he doesn't own your stuff?

He sounds like he is still in denial that it is his responsibility and probably thinks you will relent at some point and bail him out. It must be awful but in the long run this is a learning curve he needs otherwise he will continue not taking responsibility...how the learning curve happens is only something you can decide. After all you are the one living it too. Its clear from many on here that any kind of bail out, even consolidation, is not likely to be effective until the person is willing to change their own behaviour. Good luck.