Have you ever 'ghosted' a friend? (Or had it done to you by a friend?')

Extemporaneous

Yes, I have ghosted people. It will happen - as in your example - where people are behaving unreasonably and either are too obtuse to take hints that this relationship is not working - or are too selfish, narcissistic or overbearing to ever listen to (or understand) why I don't want to see them any more.

If that sounds unpleasant, well, it's only used when people are unpleasant to me! Unfortunately I am a mild person and am often seen as a pushover, or taken advantage of. I see it as a last resort form of retaliation. I actually try to be a very loyal friend and companion. However, when others cause me a hurt and either can't or won't listen to an explanation of that, ghosting is the only alternative.

I have NOT been ghosted myself - although, if it did happen, I would accept it! I hope it won't happen, as it undoubtedly is unpleasant. I try to remain attuned and reasonable to the impression I make on others. And I try NEVER to take advantage of people. By doing this, I hope I would understand the reasons why someone wanted to break contact, without them having to be spelled out to me.

If you are thinking of ghosting some one, they must have made you pretty unhappy. Whilst it's upsetting, try to see it as a form of self-preservation! We live in a harsh, pushy, me-first society, where a lot of people hold very unrealistic expectations of entitlement. You can actually view ghosting as a form of assertion: think how much unhappier you would be, if you continued to put up with seeing and pretending to like, people who hurt and take advantage of you!

olgadapolga

fierystormcloud wrote: »

That's very sad. I think if this woman is a person who could cut off her own son; he is better off without her anyway.

He most certainly is, as are our children. She's a very strange person, I think that egocentric would cover part of her personality, as for the rest, I don't know. A very odd person.

I count my blessings that my DH is as wonderful as he is, given his mother! Obviously takes after his Dad who was one of the nicest people I've ever come across and I consider that we were lucky to have known him.

onlyroz

I have an old school friend who totally dropped contact. I don't know why - I tried contacting her a few times - but I'm happy to take the hint.


My dad dropped all contact with his sister when he found out that she had got married without telling him while he was away on holiday. He reasoned that if she would do something like that then she obviously didn't regard their relationship to be important.


I have also stopped contact with an ex - he would send me messages via facebook every six months or so, which just became tiresome. I used to occasionally respond with polite notes about what I was up to, but he would always be pushing for more and so I decided I was better off just cutting him totally out of my life.


In general, though, I do think it's rude to totally disappear off the radar without explanation. If you want to gradually drop a friendship then just decline invites and don't make any of your own. No need to be rude and ignore people. If somebody gets stalker-ish then a few carefully chosen direct words would be better. Sometimes people need to be told that they're unpleasant - how can they modify their behaviour if they're never challenged?

Proxima_Centauri

I've stopped contact with people I no longer want to have anything to do with, - not sure if that's 'ghosting'? It wasn't done out of spite, I just wanted to move on from that social situation/group.

System

I ghosted a couple who we met on holiday. It started off with hubby helping to set up their awning. neither of them had a clue.

Next thing we knew the kids were always at our caravan, preferring to be at ours than at theirs, they had a barbecue, the pair of them ate burgers and sausages and they kept chucking biscuits at the kids. The poor little 6 month old boy with cerebral palsy was shoved up a corner and left to his own devices and his nappy rash was awful, they didnt even take care when changing his bum, it was raw and weeping. Then they appeared on my Facebook....it appeared she didnt like her stepdaughter and her Facebook was full of digs at her. Then they upset the caravan site owners, kept trying to drag us down to Portsmouth to meet up.

The last straw was when one of her 'friends' had an termination of her pregnancy, she didnt shut up about how every life had a right to live for months. Asked me to sign a petition about it. Whilst i dont necessarily like the idea of termination myself, ive never needed one and think its a personal thing between the woman who is having it and the doctor who carries it out.

I blocked her on Facebook after that. Whenever i refer to her to my husband i refer to her as the 'poison dwarf' Yeah i know its nasty of me but out of her mouth came pure poison. She hadnt got a good word to say about anyone.

I do check on them from time to time, out of pure interest to see how the kids are doing. She had 5 when we knew her. Seems like she has stopped at 8.

lush_walrus

Yep, I think it's probably quite common.

I ghosted a childhood friend. We were close friends for 25 or so years known each other from birth. In our late 20s early 30s I faced the realisation that she was jealous of my life. I think largely fuelled by knowing each other since birth, attending the same schools etc. My life turned to a very different path to hers, I had set up businesses, bought houses, completed my studies, she had worked in a job her dad applied for on her behalf from 18. I hadn't seen it as an issue, but gradually realised she did. One day and one !!!!!ie comment too many, I made the decision to delete her from our life.

Sad, but necessary for both our happiness.

oystercatcher

I have a very narcissistic 'friend' ,who I have learned to 'keep at arms length' . She often complains about various friends and relatives who have vanished without contact. She can't understand why they haven't given her their new address etc !! Or why so and so hasn't phoned her. I just make sympathetic noises , I can't tell her what a selfish pain in the a**e she is .

fierystormcloud

oystercatcher wrote: »

I have a very narcissistic 'friend' ,who I have learned to 'keep at arms length' . She often complains about various friends and relatives who have vanished without contact. She can't understand why they haven't given her their new address etc !! Or why so and so hasn't phoned her. I just make sympathetic noises , I can't tell her what a selfish pain in the a**e she is .

These 2 women I know have both said similar things! 'Hey, have you ever had friends stop answering your calls and texts and messages?' And 'I haven't heard from Liz/Debs/Jen for ages, even though I have messaged her loads...' (And if you knew these 2 women you'd know why!)

I also 'ghosted' a colleague a few years back, who tried to stay in touch after she finished at my workplace, after she said she could never love a son who was gay, and that people from the black country are 'stupid' because they can't even speak their own language correctly. (How am ya?!) I said it's not that they can't speak English; it's their regional dialect. 'Well I think they're thick.' she said. She got on my nerves anyway, but the anti gay comment did it for me.

lush_walrus wrote: »

Yep, I think it's probably quite common.

I ghosted a childhood friend. We were close friends for 25 or so years known each other from birth. In our late 20s early 30s I faced the realisation that she was jealous of my life. I think largely fuelled by knowing each other since birth, attending the same schools etc. My life turned to a very different path to hers, I had set up businesses, bought houses, completed my studies, she had worked in a job her dad applied for on her behalf from 18. I hadn't seen it as an issue, but gradually realised she did. One day and one !!!!!ie comment too many, I made the decision to delete her from our life.

Sad, but necessary for both our happiness.

I had a similar situation. I had a friend I had known since childhood who seemed to be jealous of everything I had or did, ranging from getting married, to buying a house, to having my own car, to travelling quite a lot. She seemed to either make snide remarks, or try to out-do what I did. Got very exhausting. I didn't ghost her, but we did lose touch. Thankfully.

onlyroz wrote: »

I have an old school friend who totally dropped contact. I don't know why - I tried contacting her a few times - but I'm happy to take the hint.

My dad dropped all contact with his sister when he found out that she had got married without telling him while he was away on holiday. He reasoned that if she would do something like that then she obviously didn't regard their relationship to be important.


I have also stopped contact with an ex - he would send me messages via facebook every six months or so, which just became tiresome. I used to occasionally respond with polite notes about what I was up to, but he would always be pushing for more and so I decided I was better off just cutting him totally out of my life.


In general, though, I do think it's rude to totally disappear off the radar without explanation. If you want to gradually drop a friendship then just decline invites and don't make any of your own. No need to be rude and ignore people. If somebody gets stalker-ish then a few carefully chosen direct words would be better. Sometimes people need to be told that they're unpleasant - how can they modify their behaviour if they're never challenged?

Seems a shame to lose touch with a sibling like this, for what seems (IMO) a trivial reason; maybe she had her reasons for getting married in secret. If they got on OK it seems a bit much to lose contact. JMHO.

I know a woman who got married in secret - just her and her husband, and 2 friends (for witnesses,) to save on fuss and cost. Her parents disowned her for doing it. 3 years later, still no contact! Crazy (IMO.) All of my sisters said they'd be glad, as it means they wouldn't have to fork out anything for the wedding!

uberalles

I had to look it up.

I haven't done it to anybody nor have I had it done to me. Not that I noticed anyhow.

I'd find it incredibly rude. Have the guts to put an end to a situation then move on.

fierystormcloud

uberalles wrote: »

I had to look it up.

I haven't done it to anybody nor have I had it done to me. Not that I noticed anyhow.

I'd find it incredibly rude. Have the guts to put an end to a situation then move on.

Easier said than done.

And are you suggesting that it's less rude to say to someone 'you are boring and annoying and I don't want to be friends with you anymore?'

Not quite as cut and dried as it sounds is it?