Is it ok to go it alone?

des79

Hello Everyone. Happy New Year!

I am new to this site but would welcome some feedback on my situation. My wife and I have been married for 3 years but together for 12. We both lived very independent lives before we met and we both decided that we would prefer to maintain some degree of financial independence after we married. Our salaries are paid into our own personal accounts and we both transfer a specific amount into a joint account in order to cover our mortgage and household bills etc. What is left in our own accounts is our own money, although we do split the cost of holidays etc. We have 1 child. We have similar careers in Education and both bring home around £2.5k per month each.

We both have some debt. My wife owes around £15K I think in loans and 0% cc's. This was planned debt and she is very much in control. This is her debt and she doesn't really talk about it.

I have quite a bit of debt in my name - 38k. This is mainly on credit cards, with the majority being 0%. My wife doesn't know how much and to be honest I really don't want to tell her. She knows that I have more debt that she does and that my balance if 'quite a lot' but I haven't actually told her how much. I get the impression that she thinks that my debts are a little higher than her, perhaps 20K. She has never asked me how much. My debts were accrued during a time when income was quite a bit lower. I have also made some poor spending decisions in the past, however this has changed since becoming a father.

I should add that I am not in any difficulty in terms if paying and I have recently restructured my debts so that they are cleared within 36 months. We are planning to move house in 3-4 years and we have both agreed to clear our debts before this point. I will easily meet this deadline based on my current rate of repayment.

The thought of telling any members of my friends or family that I owe 38k fills me with dread. I would be so embarrassed, however I sometimes feel as though i am keeping my wife in the dark.

As I have said, I am up to date and on track to clear this debt before we move house. She knows that I have a lot of debt, just how much!

January2015

des79 wrote: »

Hello Everyone. Happy New Year!

I am new to this site but would welcome some feedback on my situation. My wife and I have been married for 3 years but together for 12. We both lived very independent lives before we met and we both decided that we would prefer to maintain some degree of financial independence after we married. Our salaries are paid into our own personal accounts and we both transfer a specific amount into a joint account in order to cover our mortgage and household bills etc. What is left in our own accounts is our own money, although we do split the cost of holidays etc. We have 1 child. We have similar careers in Education and both bring home around £2.5k per month each.

We both have some debt. My wife owes around £15K I think in loans and 0% cc's. This was planned debt and she is very much in control. This is her debt and she doesn't really talk about it.

I have quite a bit of debt in my name - 38k. This is mainly on credit cards, with the majority being 0%. My wife doesn't know how much and to be honest I really don't want to tell her. She knows that I have more debt that she does and that my balance if 'quite a lot' but I haven't actually told her how much. I get the impression that she thinks that my debts are a little higher than her, perhaps 20K. She has never asked me how much. My debts were accrued during a time when income was quite a bit lower. I have also made some poor spending decisions in the past, however this has changed since becoming a father.

I should add that I am not in any difficulty in terms if paying and I have recently restructured my debts so that they are cleared within 36 months. We are planning to move house in 3-4 years and we have both agreed to clear our debts before this point. I will easily meet this deadline based on my current rate of repayment.

The thought of telling any members of my friends or family that I owe 38k fills me with dread. I would be so embarrassed, however I sometimes feel as though i am keeping my wife in the dark.

As I have said, I am up to date and on track to clear this debt before we move house. She knows that I have a lot of debt, just how much!

Hello and welcome to the forum :wave::wave:

Apart from the title of your thread - was there a question in your post, because if there was I have totally missed it

It seems to me you know you have overspent, and apart from the embarrassment you have a plan to clear the debt in time for your next planned move. What do you mean by "Is it okay to go it alone" ?

Your debts may seem high to you, but believe me there are others (me included) who have run up higher unsecured debts. The important thing is you have recognised the issue and have a plan in place to deal with it and clear those debts. On this forum that is considered as your LBM - lightbulb moment

Edit: You know your wife may just be sitting at home thinking, I know my debt is a bit higher than his, but I daren't tell him how much I owe. It really is good to talk, but I do appreciate this can be difficult. If you talk to one person, it should be your wife. You will feel so much better talking about it to someone and working together to clear both yours and her debts.

des79

January2015 wrote: »

Hello and welcome to the forum :wave::wave:

Apart from the title of your thread - was there a question in your post, because if there was I have totally missed it

It seems to me you know you have overspent, and apart from the embarrassment you have a plan to clear the debt in time for your next planned move. What do you mean by "Is it okay to go it alone" ?

Your debts may seem high to you, but believe me there are others (me included) who have run up higher unsecured debts. The important thing is you have recognised the issue and have a plan in place to deal with it and clear those debts. On this forum that is considered as your LBM - lightbulb moment

Edit: You know your wife may just be sitting at home thinking, I know my debt is a bit higher than his, but I daren't tell him how much I owe. It really is good to talk, but I do appreciate this can be difficult. If you talk to one person, it should be your wife. You will feel so much better talking about it to someone and working together to clear both yours and her debts.

Thanks for the reply. My question was is it ok to deal with this without disclosing the full amount to my wife?

Thanks again

Des

DigForVictory

Yes you can, but is it wise/helpful/a good idea not to tell Herself lest (god forbid) something Go Wrong & either of you be left with an unpleasant surprise? Sure, you've kept your finances separate & somewhat private & that's worked, but you are both now parents. The rules have shifted a bit.

You do not have to tell the world, or other family, or friends, but being clear with your wife about the amount & how you plan to sort it? Makes a deal more sense. May give her a chance to open up a bit, or pass on information you hadn't heard that's useful. How about looking into consolidating & paying off together?

Naturally, a Statement Of Affairs will help you see exactly where your money is going now & will be planned to go time future. If you have the nerve to post it here, the collective mind of MSE debt free wannabees will be able to fillet out anything they think excessive & advise on cheaper sources of utilities etc - you could be debt free sooner than you think!

However, it would be so much easier if you and Herself were on the same page. Please, talk to her.

Little_Miss_Winner

Hi Des,

I am getting the impression that your level of debt isn't in itself worrying you. But the fact you haven't disclosed the amount to your wife.
Why is it worrying you? You say she knows you have more debt than her...so what is it exactly thats bothering you. I think you know yourself that you would probably feel a whole lot better if she knew. ?

I would try and broach the subject with her.

January2015

des79 wrote: »

Thanks for the reply. My question was is it ok to deal with this without disclosing the full amount to my wife?

Thanks again

Des

It's your decision and you need to be comfortable with what you decide to do.

However, as I said in my first post, you only think you know your wife's level of debt, you only think you know she's comfortable with it and in control of it. My husband thought I was in control for years and it was so hard to tell him that our joint unsecured debt had hit almost £95k:eek: Most of that was mine obviously. He was disappointed but he was fantastic and together we are working to clear it. I say it often on this forum, we are so much happier as a couple now we are dealing with our debts together. Don't get me wrong, we were a very happy, loving couple before, but now we just know that we really are dealing with everything together. I know I not hiding money worries from him, and he is not worrying that I am worrying - because it's must have been clear to him that I was spending more than I earnt:o

Personally, I would recommend talking to your wife about it, but I do understand why you feel this may be difficult for you.

bearcat16

Personally, I think it's better to be open, honest and most importantly working together.

I would also say that pooling resources allows you to do more and accomplish bigger things than going it alone, but in this case it's not so simple because you have the bigger debt. So if you were to suggest joining your finances together, what you'd actually be asking is for her to be jointly responsible for some of your debt.

Not saying that it isn't a bad idea, quite the opposite, but she would have to suggest it, not you. She may well do that if you decide that you're going to go all-in and be totally open about your finances.

For example, if you both join your finances together, then it may well be that the debts can be settled sooner, and you'll be able to get the new house sooner- and this is a benefit to both.

DrWatson1

She know's you have debt. If she wanted to know the exact amount, she'd ask. You already said you have it under control, so as long as you're being honest with yourself and you can clear it in 3 years, then i'd not rock the boat by telling her.

If you feel you must tell her, I'd wait maybe 6-12 months so you can demonstrate you have the debt under control (i.e "it was £36k, but now it's £25k").