Not quite sure what to do about husband

mandy80

Hello everyone. I am new to his site so please be gentle!

I/we had our LBM last year. At that point our unsecured debts were creeping up towards the 40k mark and it was becoming unmanageable. The threat of redundancy scared me enough to take action and for the last 12 months I have managed to get our debt down to around 30K.

I am the main earner. My husband is self employed but earns half of what I earn. This is ok as he is able to sort out child care, school drop offs etc. We reckon that we would be no better off if he went full time.

Like lots of women, I handle the finances in our house ( albeit badly in the past!) and he doesn't really get involved. To be honest this works ok for us as he suffers with stress and I think that he would be overwhelmed. I must admit I do shelter him from it somewhat.

We were watching a programme a couple of nights ago about debt and the couple owed $30,000 US dollars. He made a comment along the lines of "at least we aren't in that deep.... when actually we owe more than that in £'s!!

I don't really know what to do. He knows that we have a lot of debt and that we are working to pay it off asap, but we never had the "this is how much we owe" conversation. I think he would panic and in turn, stress me out with wanting to talk about it constantly. the debt is reducing my a good chunk each month and we are able to have a decent life, therefore I am not inclined to give him the cold hard figures. He also doesn't earn enough to be able to contribute any more than he already does so he couldn't actually do anything to help.

I feel like I am being deceitful, but at the same time I know that revealing the full extent of it will make out lives very difficult. We are open about pretty much every other aspect of our lives, however I think that this has the potential to cause us some upset. Is total honesty always the best policy!?

EssexHebridean

It's a tricky one. On the side of "Tell him" - it would reduce the stress you're feeling, to a degree anyway, and would also mean that you weren't worrying about his reaction if he finds out, perhaps?

One thing I will say - think of "what if the worst was to happen" - what sort of a shock would it be for him if something happened to you, and as well as dealing with the fact of that, he also had to deal with suddenly finding out that there is debt there which he didn't know the extent of? There are some heartrending posts from folk on these very boards who have been in that position, and also from others who have found themselves in debt after the loss of a partner because they simply had no idea of how their own household finances worked, as a partner had always dealt with all that for them.

You're in a position where you have already nailed a good chunk of the debt, which is brilliant work, well done! One aspect of him being fully on board and equipped with the facts is that there may well be other ways you can BOTH team up to make savings, and that might get the Debt Free date that bit closer?

The bottom line is that he IS a grown adult, and I'd lean towards the fact that he has a right to know how things are. It's all well and good "shielding" him from it, but perhaps better to get everything in order, so you can SHOW him how it's being tackled, and what is in place, and sit him down and go through things. You can even use that TV show as a way in - remember chances are he won't remember that figure was in dollars, so no need to underline that point, perhaps. If you can do it at the point when the next month will see the debt dip into the "20k's" rather than the 30's, so much the better.

mandy80

Thanks for reply!

I suppose that I just feel like I am on top of it and don't need the stress of full disclosure, although I accept that this is a little selfish of me. I also think that in some ways, he doesn't want to be given the cold hard figures. He has never asked me what the total is and I have never volunteered the info!

I agree that it would be awful if anything happened to me without him knowing, even though my passing would generate plenty of cash and a mortgage free house - Not that I am planning on going any time soon as I want my letter from the queen

I definitely dont think that I can do it this side of Christmas!

tiger_eyes

Have you tried asking him if he wants to know the details? That way if he doesn't want to know you don't have to break it to him.

EssexHebridean

tiger_eyes wrote: »

Have you tried asking him if he wants to know the details? That way if he doesn't want to know you don't have to break it to him.

I hate to say it, but I'm not sure this is relevant. I'm presuming from what the OP said, that this is shared debt. There are kids involved here - in the event of the worst happening, both parents need to have a grasp on the way the household finances run, If anything, the one with lower earning potential needs MORE of a grasp of it.

enthusiasticsaver

I am with EH on this and think both parties should be aware of their joint financial position and how much debt they have. I have seen numerous posts on this forum usually from the wives who are shielding their OH from the amount of debt they hold due to depression or thinking it would stress them out.

It saddens me that so many are bearing the stress of this alone and yes I remember years ago when money was tight insisting my husband sit down and look at our budget weekly so he knew why I stressed when he went out and bought something totally frivolous (IMHO) when I was struggling to find money to pay for food and kids shoes. Over time he got to understand better and we communicated over the best way to manage our different attitudes to money. He really was not interested and still really isn't interested in money and investments but I still make him look at our financial position in case anything happened to me.

You have a plan and are reducing the debt so surely your OH should be reassured by that but presumably there is a reason you got to £40k in debt and that is not just you which got you to that position. I think unless people acknowledge they have a problem with spending (a bit like alcohol and gambling) then it is very difficult to address the root cause of the overspending.

I guess what you have to ask yourself is are you keeping it secret to protect him or to stop you having to acknowledge the amount is high because you would have to talk about it which makes it more real?

Whichever you are obviously doing a great job of reducing it if you have brought it down by 25% without your OH even knowing. I just think you would find it easier if he knew and was onboard. Debt busting is hard so why make it harder by doing it alone?

Fireflyaway

The main thing is to not get into more debt and concentrate on paying back what you owe which sounds like you are. I understand not wanting to tell your husband. Is it just because it would stress him or because you feel you should have managed the finances better and he might get angry or blame you?
Do you have a written budget? That really helps. If this were me I would reduce the debt until its at a level you feel comfortable disclosing then work together to make a plan. I really love Dave Ramsey check out his YouTube videos.

Timmymallett

This is a tough one. I was in a lot of debt some years ago and I must admit that I wasn't totally open with my wife due to embarrassment etc. Of course, ideally it would be shared, however I know that in reality everyone's relationship is different. You know your husband and how he would react. Would telling him alleviate your stress or just add to it? I think that there does need to be an element of self preservation considered here. You are doing a good job of bringing the debt down so could you perhaps wait another 6 months and then say " half of our debt has gone" etc.

I certainly don't think that this is deceit as I am sure that you would tell him the balances if he asked you outright. He is responsible too. He knows that you have debt so it could be asked why he isn't taking a more active role in its repayment. If you really think that it would cause major upset then I would personally think twice about upsetting the apple cart, particularly if there are children in the mix. I know that a lot of people will disagree with this but in reality not everything is black and white.

Sanctioned_Parts_List

It might be the effect of being a stranger in a strange land for too long, but when I read that title, my first thought was... "make a stew?"

More seriously, reading your initial post, you say "I/we had our LBM last year" then proceed to describe the actions you alone took to reduce the debt. Fantastic job, by the way! But from the sound of things, your husband is oblivious - so in no way could be described as having seen his cartoon light bulb, as he lacks the information to do so.

To add one more voice to EH and ES above, yes, I would tell him exactly what's outstanding - but there are ways and ways of presenting it. I would not simply have a "this is what we owe" conversation, but a "things are getting better, here's what I've been doing and here's what I plan to do next, what do you think?" conversation.

You're presenting the same information, but one is dropping a problem on his head, while the other is inviting him to participate in a process that's already successful.

To date he's been happy to let you manage the budget, happy with what plan you've made for debt repayments, and should still be happy if you point out that despite the size of the debt, he doesn't have to change or do anything special. This is the plan, this is the debt free date, there's nothing to worry about, just read the instructions.

tori.k

Im very much in the complete honesty camp, so if he ask's for the figures then tell him but by the looks of it he's happy to leave it in your hands, if he wanted to know the in's and out's the program would have prompted him to ask. ( the same as I always tidy up if i've been watching programs about messy houses. ) If your happy to continue the burden of sorting this alone then just soldier on as long as he's on the same page with the budget and not obliviously spending.

nkkingston

Maybe start with the budget, including the minimum payments and how you're overpaying, then show him way the payments are what they are (the total debt). That way it's about the process of becoming debt free first, and the debt second. It might be helpful to show him dates as well - various versions of your debt free date depending on holidays, emergencies, changes to your incomes, snowballing etc, so he's conscious that the process is all about choices, and that together the two of your are in control of it.