Think I'm at breaking point...

Anonanon

Not really sure where to post. Have an active account on here but wishing to post as an anonymous looking for any help and advice and to hopefully clear my head a bit.

Basically I lost my job just over 6 months ago and I've been keeping it quiet from everybody I know. The majority of my family and friends think I now work from home / freelance and don't know about my lack of job / income and my debts. In the past few months, despite lack of income, I've got my debts down but I know that once I have a job, it will take me at least two years to get it cleared and for all the cr*p on my credit file to drop off, at which point I hope that I can move out of the area I'm living now and somewhere new. I'm desperate to just 'disappear' to somewhere where no one knows me and I can start afresh. I keep thinking that in two years I'll be able to do this, but it also makes me sad knowing that I still can't escape myself, no matter how far I run.

I'm living extremely frugally due to no income and I've basically used up my savings now and I've entered my overdraft which is pretty small anyway. Not sure what I'll do when that money runs out. I've tried looking for jobs, spent months looking with some interviews, but inevitably I never get the job and I always feel as if I'm not qualified enough to do it. I'm attending night school, to help myself get the qualifications I need but my confidence of working is so low, if I even try to get minimum wage work, I fear that they'll hate me / won't think I'm good enough / won't think I'm working hard enough. I know this stems from a horrible employer previously but I just can't seem to shake this off and I therefore have started to cancel interviews (which I know is stupid!!) I signed on a few months ago but even the job centre gave me a panic attack and I didn't go back.

I feel like a failure. Some days are good and I just get on with stuff, apply for jobs and believe in myself. But the bad days are the worst - sometimes I struggle to eat properly and even washing my hair is an effort. My house could do with a good clean, my washing pile is growing, theres no food or milk in my fridge and my bank account is empty. This isn't the way I should be living. I hate the thought of bumping in to people I used to work with, before I lost my job, and it's got to the point where I avoid certain towns in case I run into them. I left my job very suddenly due a harassment case - the company realised what was going on and basically paid me to leave, rather than letting me keep my job and getting rid of the person in the wrong.

I've also started to worry about what I'll do when I eventually do find a job. I'm hoping to get back on track with my career but the reality is there are hardly any jobs around here so I'll probably have to commute to London, which is about an hour commute each way. I'm more than willing to do this, but I've started to worry about silly things, like my dog. I live by myself and would be out of the house from 7.30am to around 6.30pm which obviously isn't ideal. I'd pay for a dog walker at lunch times and walk her before and after work but my problem is, I left her for 4 hours last night whilst I went to night school and she'd pee'd on my sofa when I got home. If she can't / won't be left for 4 hours, I'm wondering what to do? It breaks my heart thinking I may have to get rid of her, but right now I can't see any alternative. I know so many people will be disappointed in me for not being able to hold on to my commitments.

Lastly, I've started to have panic attacks in the lead up to night school deadlines. I get to about a week before, knowing I should have started but still have plenty of time and then leave it until last minute because I'm scared I won't be able to complete it, which is ridiculous. Given enough time, I'm perfectly capable of completing the work, I just worry about it too much to start it and then panic when I haven't done it and it's last minute.

I've gone to the doctors about my panic attacks but they didn't really offer much advice and I worry that I'm wasting their time.

I'm hoping someone can offer some good advice here as it's all got a bit much and sometimes it's better from an outside point of view.

sourcrates

Hi there,

Sorry about your situation, but what advice are you after exactly ?

Debts I can help you with, can you elaborate a little more about what you owe, because you shouldn't be paying debt with dwindling savings when your not working.

Anonanon

Unfortunately, the debts outstanding are to family and friends, so I'm still having to pay back!

jimmy900

Are you in receipt of benefit yet?

This should have been your first port of call if not.

The benefits system is stretched to breaking point, it can be a muddle and at times you will think they are making things worse than actually trying to help but if you're able bodied and can keep to appointment times, it's worth seeing what support the system can offer.

National Insurance credits alone are worth signing on for.

EssexHebridean

Jimmy makes an excellent point about benefits - you MUST sign on, no ifs, no buts. Your NI stamp is important down the line - don't let it slip!

On the panic attacks/anxiety stuff - from a self-help point of view there is an excellent Scottish NHS site that I can tell you from personal experience is great. I won't insert a link as I can't remember what the rules allow, but Google search "Moodjuice Anxiety" and it'll pop up. Work through the steps on there, don't rush it.

I also think you need to return to your Doctor's surgery. Ask for an appointment with a different Doctor to the one who was unhelpful before - there are some BRILLIANT GP's out there who are incredibly understand about depression and mental health issues.

Tell your family about your situation - especially those you owe the money too. Down the line, the majority are likely to feel horrendous if they find out you've been putting yourself through this and they've been taking money from you. If you don't tell them, they can't know, Once they do, that will almost certainly take the pressure off on those repayments. Do you have other debt though - stuff that isn't to Family/Friends?

In terms of the stuff with the housework etc - work in 15 minute chunks of time. we can do ANYTHING for 15 minutes, trust me, no matter how impossible it seems to start with. So decide on a job, set a timer and go for it. Emptying bins in a great place to start - whizz round with your bin bag and grab all the rubbish you can see and get rid.

The dog. When you have to go out and leave her for the time being, she gets shut into a room with no soft furnishings - kitchen or bathroom. (Pick up the bathmat) Pop her bed in there, and a water bowl, and some toys. If she pees, then it's easy to clean up (She's highly unlikely to pee on her own bed, they just don't). As for what happens when you get a job, get the job first, address that later. It may be that if you keep looking locally, the perfect job will turn up - we're nearing a good time of year for it as people make "new year - new start" changes. There is also the possibility of getting seasonal work at this time of year - check what your local supermarkets may be advertising for, for a start.

Do you have nightschool work to be getting on with at the moment? If so, that's your second "15 minutes" sorted. Set that timer and start work. There's a rule though - when the timer goes off, you stop, and do something else. In fact, best of all, stop, and take the dog for a walk - good for both of you! When you get home - the timer goes on and you find an area to do another 15 minutes in.

Keep posting here - the support and advice is second to none. You can do this - you just have to find your way, and the hardest step - admitting it - is done. Go and give that dog a fuss from me, and then grab that bin bag...there's no time like the present to get started...

bugslet

Anonanon wrote: »

Unfortunately, the debts outstanding are to family and friends, so I'm still having to pay back!

I haven't got advice per se, but I'd be upset if I thought a friend of mine was struggling as much as you to pay me back in order to keep up a pretence that really wouldn't be necessary.

Good friends and family will understand that you need to take a break from the repayments. Please don't take that as a criticism, I think that you perhaps are not realising that most people will have lost jobs and struggled at times to find another and understand your position.

The other thing is that if your friends and family don't know that you are looking for work, they can't help you if they hear of anything where they work. Around 90% of people at our place have come here because of a referral from an existing employee.

Hope you are back on track soon.

lessonlearned

Hi.. didn't want to read and run. Just want to wish you luck.

You have had some excellent advice from Bugslet and EH so I won't repeat it.

I would just add - tell everyone that you. are job hunting. and I mean everyone.......the bloke in the corner shop, the old biddy at the bus stop. When they ask what you do tell them you will consider anything.

You can't beat word of mouth. You would be surprised how many people get their jobs from personal recommendations from friends and family.

It won't get you the job but it will get you the interview, the rest will be up to you.

And please go back to the doctor and get help with your depression - you need support.

Chin up......keep posting, it will help you.

determined_new_ms

I would consider applying for esa. You will need to get a gp certificate to say you are unwell but that would give you a couple of months breathing space to look at dealing with your anxiety and look for work.

I was suffering with anxiety last year and got emdr therapy through the iapt service so got 12 weeks free and it helped tremendously.

I agree with others be brave and tell your family and friends .they love you and am sure most, if not all, would be happy to take a break until you are back on your feet. I lost my job suddenly last year and the impact was incredible, I would have never have thought I would have been so affected. I totally understand the shame of seeing people who know but the reality is thus is a symptom of your poor mental health. People don't really care and if they saw you they'd just be pleased to see you and want to know how you are. I took a year off work to recuperate. I had no money but as I live with my partner my living expenses were paid by him so I was in a fortunate position. I've been back at work for 2 months now and at times its a little rocky, my confidence still isn't what it was but I can see it will be okay. I have been open with my manager and she is bring very supportive. There's no shame in being ill

Anonanon

Thanks to everyone for your advice and support. I'm constantly amazed at how supportive people are on this forum, so thank you. I've tried to take on board everyone's advice so I'll start dealing with it now (in 15 minute chunks!) x

-taff

Go back to your doctors because to be honest, you sound depressed to me, the stuff about not cleaning and running away from yourself etc, the anxiety and panic attacks....Ask for some help and don't go till you get some. Also ask for a double appointment rather than a ten minute one.