Evolution of a DFW

Spirit_2

OH treated himself to a little something yesterday. 120 pounds of something . It was not a silly purchase, bought from ebay rather than new (saved hundreds of pounds) so very MSE but not DFW.

I knew he was going to do it, and did not discourage him as I really do not want to nag. He did realise that cashflow is tight this month so drew cash out on Amex. It was not in our budget. This will therefore make next month a bit tricky if I am to stay on track with our snowball plan.

Just writing this down has helped - I am going to ask him what we will cut back on/sell on ebay next month to pay for this. I need him to align his spending decisions with just how much real money we have to play with (none). If any DFW has a better idea please let me have it.

OK. Moaning over.

1. Is this a part of the evolution of a money saving stalwart, feeling resentful/irritated by this sort of thing when just 8 weeks ago this kind of spending was 'normal'?
2. Is there a sort of DFW adolescence when you feel all mixed up - pulled between the paths of single minded pursuit of clearing debts and grown up coping with 'off plan' moments.
3. In the life cycle of a DFW if there is a well known DFW teenage stage, should I also expect raging DFW hormones and DFW spots?

Jacks_xxx

Wow.

So I'm guessing OH hasn't had his lightbulb moment yet then?

Or if he has, it's one of those intermittent ones that goes out once in a while?

I think you've been remarkably calm sweetie. If my OH drew out cash on a CC when we were supposed to be reducing debts - not increasing them I'd probably want to harpoon him to the wall. :eek:

It would definitely take me a while to be philosophical about it and focus on the positives ie basically - "it could've been worse I suppose!" (which is not much of a positive really, is it?)


I'd feel all my efforts had been shat on - to use an unlovely but expressive phrase.


Maybe you should feed him 9p noodles for dinner every night for a few weeks to pay for what he's already spent?


And Um...this Amex card...His? Yours? or joint?


If it's not your card honey, maybe you shouldn't be working so hard to pay it?


And I definitely think it should get lost, or maybe destroyed in a freak flame thrower accident.


And wouldn't you know... Amex 'll keep sending him new cards but weirdly they never seem to arrive...


(Can you tell we have played this game in my house? )


Now, in answer to your questions - it is definitely standard to feel resentful about this kind of thing post-lightbulb. Your mind-set has changed.


It's equally normal to rebel against the rules of DFW-ness once in a while too - and some door slamming may ensue but I think (I hope!) you'll be safe from spots!


I don't know if this will be any help to you but somehow I've eventually managed to convince my fella that moneysaving is manly!


It's all tied up with Being a Man: Taking charge, planning ahead, taking responsibility for his actions and providing for his family cave man stylee.


(as opposed to being a selfish bratty "teenager"...which isn't very sexy frankly is it? )


I'm not quite sure what I did or said, but long may it continue!

I really really hope that your fella steps up to the plate and starts taking on a bit of responsibility, rather than expecting you to be the sensible one all the time.

This is all SO much easier when you're both on the same side.


Take care hon,


Love Jacks xxx

Kevicho

Spirit wrote: »

OH treated himself to a little something yesterday. 120 pounds of something . It was not a silly purchase, bought from ebay rather than new (saved hundreds of pounds) so very MSE but not DFW.

I knew he was going to do it, and did not discourage him as I really do not want to nag. He did realise that cashflow is tight this month so drew cash out on Amex. It was not in our budget. This will therefore make next month a bit tricky if I am to stay on track with our snowball plan.

Just writing this down has helped - I am going to ask him what we will cut back on/sell on ebay next month to pay for this. I need him to align his spending decisions with just how much real money we have to play with (none). If any DFW has a better idea please let me have it.

OK. Moaning over.

1. Is this a part of the evolution of a money saving stalwart, feeling resentful/irritated by this sort of thing when just 8 weeks ago this kind of spending was 'normal'?
2. Is there a sort of DFW adolescence when you feel all mixed up - pulled between the paths of single minded pursuit of clearing debts and grown up coping with 'off plan' moments.
3. In the life cycle of a DFW if there is a well known DFW teenage stage, should I also expect raging DFW hormones and DFW spots?

Maybe you should get him to listen to John Cummuta, hell soon realise how much his 120 temporary treat will cost him 1000s in the long run

1. Im the same with my GF, shes the opposite to me when it comes to money, or more specifically my money.

2. Thats a weird analogy, idont know about adolescence but i think the DFW path gives you a more grown up perspective, and you realise the only way to get ahead in life involves money, toys are for the kids lol

3. Well spots maybe if you skimp on soap

Gemmzie

I think the trick to this is to make sure you get some forms of spending money worked into your budget as soon as is feasible. Just £20 a month for each of you or something.

He needs to see how much difference £120 makes, cut his food, cut any extras he has to repay the money. My dad was the same, credit card money isn't real money - it isn't yours and it lulls people into a false sense of security.

Shineyhappy

My OH is not a dfw, but I explained to him by dream of being mortgage free and all the things I was planning on doing with no debt and not loosing most of my salary and after explaining about all the lovely holidays I was going to go on, I think he is now quite keen to try it.

Does your OH really understand how much of your income every month is used to pay off debt?

TS_777

Hi Spirit

I think there is a child in every man (no offence meant for MSE male members, just an observation on a majority on non-MSE males!). Generally women are more attentive to detail and tend to be more focused. Once she got a goal (say clearing the debt), she will stick to it, while majority of males tend to be easily distracted. Maybe that's the way nature meant it to be: men go away and hunt, so are more attuned to the surroundings while women stay at home taking care of the cave. So your big hairy OH with smelly socks is actually a child deep inside and sadly you are his...mum.. (sorry for bad news!!!). So the strategy is this:

The best way is to say firmly "No" and keep him from the unnecessary expense.

If this fails and you can't say no, then try to forgive. If he wants it so much, maybe he needs this new toy???

If you can't forgive him, than go and buy something for yourself (obviously something very necessary, and MSE-style (cheap), but for you. Primark???maybe???

And don't have joint accounts!!!

TS

mrsspendalot

While we were paying off our CCs I shredded the PIN code letters so that OH couldn't do any ad hoc spending, as he never remembered the codes without looking :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

I, however, stored one of them in my mobile phone for genuine emergencies.

I agree though that working in some spending money into the budget might be the way to go. Totally understand your frustration though. I am very fortunate that my OH is 110% on board with DFW, in fact he's even tighter than me and makes me feel guilty if I buy a bar of choccy that wasn't budgeted for :rolleyes: :rotfl:

Spirit_2

TS_777 wrote: »

Hi Spirit

The best way is to say firmly "No" and keep him from the unnecessary expense.

If this fails and you can't say no, then try to forgive. If he wants it so much, maybe he needs this new toy???

And don't have joint accounts!!!

TS

Three things

1. What do you mean "maybe he needs this toy" there is no maybe about it, he thought he'd like one, which evolved to should have one, indeed by the time the purchase was made he believed he should be considered deprived without one.
2. "don't have joint accounts!" This advice is about 24 years too late. Why didn't someone tell me earlier?
3. Actually the AMEX is in his name but in order to rescue us financially I put myself in charge of money/debt last year (it was a coup - up until that point he had been 'managing it'):rotfl:
   

SarahNeedle1872

Spirit wrote: »

Three things

1. What do you mean "maybe he needs this toy" there is no maybe about it, he thought he'd like one, which evolved to should have one, indeed by the time the purchase was made he believed he should be considered deprived without one.
2. "don't have joint accounts!" This advice is about 24 years too late. Why didn't someone tell me earlier?
3. Actually the AMEX is in his name but in order to rescue us financially I put myself in charge of money/debt last year (it was a coup - up until that point he had been 'managing it'):rotfl:
   

Hi Spirit....

As many people will echo here, it is hard to be DFW when ur OH just likes to keep on spending - personal experience tells me this!
OH spent £500 on his CC last month (39.9%apr :mad: and on what!?!)... I am also in charge of the money/debt, so I told him that I was having his card until he paid it off in full, inc interest. He gives me £50 extra on payday to puit towards it... what he doesn't know is that 1) His card is cut up into little pieces, and 2) I transferred the balance to my 0% card, so he won't be paying int - therefore the family as a whole will not loose out on any money.

The best thing I found with my OH was not to nag him and to let him find out on his own how things are.... HE volunteered his cards to me on pay day, cuz he admitted that he is rubbish with money

Keep focussed on what your trying to achieve and eventually ur OH will see the light and join u on ur journey!

Sarah x

TS_777

Hi Spirit, hi Sarah!

I wrote "Don't have joint accounts", but I am starting to have my Hamlet-like doubts to have or not to have? I never had joint account with my OH, but that is because he is fiercely independent. He opened his accounts without actually asking me will I would like to join or not, so it wasn't much of my choice really. However now he is in debt, and I am not. Recently during our numerous soulsearching debt-induced discussions I asked him if there was any of my fault in this situation. And unbelievably to me he said that I should have checked on him!!!! I should have been more nosey!!! I should have peeked and sneaked into his bills!!! I am stunned and don't know what to think now. (Maybe we should have a vote on this on DFW???)

But the thing is I don't want to be a nagging checking peeking worried shrew! I am a cooool, relaxed, happy and graceful soul, at least I remind myself that that is what I am and want to be and not a shrew!

TS

always_amazed

A newbie here reading through this thread,

.. I seem to spend far too much time thinking, oooh poor me, I'm single with no one to love me (booo hoo sniff!)... this just reminded me of how hard relationships can be and how lucky I am that I'm doing this journey on my own, as I agree with Jacks about how you must be feeling!!

and as for a DFW adolesence, I don't know yet... what I do know is whilst I think I'm past the Being Born bit, I'm in that funny post toddler/preschool age where I'm scared of EVERYTHING- scared of the debt, the changes etc.(Its just my neice & nephew (twins) are 4, and they are both scared of everything. Like flies, cats, dogs, rain, grass..... sigh.) Will let you know if I start feeling the moody blues in a few months though!!


xxx